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soulmatejunkeeTitle: 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral, Part 7/? (You & Me-Series)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
soulmatejunkee
Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 4.148
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta:adoringaudience - thanks so much!
Okay, before the EVIL!Soulmatejunkee icons are coming up again (LOOL) ... I think I should let you know, that... you're free to use them! (SORRY!!) The solution is there, but it doesn't come up with that chapter. Hope you'll enjoy it anyway.
It's so great to get so much feedback from so many people. So, THANK YOU!!
Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6
Justin's POV
“No.”
Thank god!
He shook his head again and opened his eyes. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or to say.”
He was totally helpless and it was all my fault and I felt guilty and sorry. I never thought about what he told me, but he was right. I expected too much without telling him what exactly I expected him to do. I remembered the first time I came up with the rules, it worked. Okay, it always worked much better for him than for me, but it worked, because he knew what I expected him to do. And he did it. Always.
I stroked his cheek. “Okay.”
“Okay what?” He looked a little scared. How could he be so scared all the time?
I bit my lower lip before I started. “I don’t want to come home and find you fucking some guy. I don’t want to go to Babylon with you and then watch you checking out other guys and I don’t like to watch you follow one of them to the backroom, while I’m standing at the bar. Willing and waiting. That’s humiliating. I know that none of those guys mean anything to you, but it means something to me.”
He nodded.
“I don’t expect you to stay abstinent when I’m not here. I know you’re going out during the week and I know you’re fucking other guys and it’s okay. I know you love sex, you always have and you should never give up what you love. But when I’m here or when you’re with me in New York, I want it to be us. Just you and me. Okay?”
He nodded again.
“And whatever you do when I’m not here… don’t do it at the house.”
I had no idea if he ever spent time at the house or if he even stayed there overnight or anything, but I knew he had never fucked anyone there. You don’t fuck with your safe place.
“But above all that I want you to do what you want to do. I want you to be happy.” I touched his lips with my finger. “You need to relax. I know that it sucks that you’re here and I’m in New York and I know that a daily phone sex call is not enough to make up for all the time we would spend together if we weren’t apart and I don’t want to hurt you, but I like to be independent.”
He didn’t look disappointed. He even smiled at me. “You should fucking love it. I did.”
“I’m not talking about the clubs and the boys.“ I bumped his chest. When I decided to move to New York I was expecting to visit the clubs, the scene, to fuck some random guys, to have fun. But I haven’t had time for even that and wasn’t in the mood to do it, which was a little weird. Even if phone sex sucked like hell, I really enjoyed it, because I knew he wanted it too, he was waiting for it, just like I was. “And I’m not lying when I say that I miss you, I do.”
“I know.”
I had the feeling that he finally started to relax, at least a little. “So, what about the rings?”
He shook his had. “Nothing.”
I wasn’t sure if I really believed that. I had to be careful with taking everything he said for the truth. He’d hidden so many things and feelings from me so far. “But you kept them and that means something.”
He frowned. “Guess I’m not so good with letting go and moving on.”
“If those rings are important to you, because they give you some safety, then we’ll wear them”, I said. “It makes way more sense than keeping them in the drawer. Actually, I was wearing my ring last night and I have to admit it looks kinda sexy.”
“Yeah it does, doesn’t it?”
Huh? I always loved it, when he realized that he said something, admitted something, he probably didn’t want to say or admit. He was just adorable.
“Can we… spend the night at the house?” I asked. “And can we stay there for the entire week?”
He smiled at me. “If you want to.” So much for I won’t move in there.
“We pack some stuff and I can buy something to eat and… we can meet there.”
He frowned. “It’s Christmas.”
“Gas stations are open.”
He laughed and leaned his head against my shoulder. “We don’t have to meet there; I think I’ll survive a shopping spree at the gas station before we drive to Debbie.”
O right… I sighed. “There’s a reason why I didn't call you tonight and why you couldn’t reach me.”
He looked up again.
“My father attempted suicide yesterday.” Now I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. “He cut the arteries on his wrists.”
“What the fuck?”
“That’s not the worst part, the worst part is that Molly was supposed to visit him and she found him.”
He pulled back to look at me and I guess to make me look at him, too.
“I was already on my way back to you when my mom called and then… it happened so fast and I forgot to call, I’m sorry.”
He just shook his head. He was shocked, it was obvious.
“He's okay. He was asleep when I arrived and didn't wake up until I left, which probably was the best way. Molly was under shock, they kept her at the hospital for the night. She didn't say anything; she just stared at the ceiling. Anyway, they discharge him today and my mom wants him to move in with them until he leaves for rehab next week. She wants to spend Christmas with him and Molly and…”
“She asked you to come?”
I shrugged. “I don't want to spend Christmas with him, I don't want to spend any time with him and I wouldn't even think about it if it wasn't for Molly. I don't know what the right thing to do is.”
“What a selfish bastard…”, Brian mumbled.
“You think it's a bad idea to take him in, don't you?” I asked. “Because I think it is.”
“I can understand that your mother has mixed feelings about him. He sucked as your father but until now we never heard anything bad about him and your sister. But … yes, I think it's a bad idea. Too much conflict material, especially for Christmas.”
I had enough disappointment for the rest of my life, since absolutely nothing had worked out the way I had planned it this weekend. I already had disappointed Brian with the website, which was planned as a reason for celebration, so I didn't want another unexpected surprise.
“Would you be angry if I'd go there?” I asked.
“As long as you don't ask me to accompany you.”
“I'm only masochistic, not sadistic.”
He stroked my back. “Are you sure you want to go?”
“No.”
“Holy shit!” he screamed out and jerked when my cell phone rang. “What the fuck?”
“It's the ring tone, I have to change it.” I grabbed my phone and swallowed. It was Molly's number. She asked me to take her with me when I got some of my fathers stuff out of his house. She sounded very strong, much stronger than I had expected. So I agreed, even though I was sure my mother didn't. Molly asked me to pick her up right now, because she wanted to go out. My sister never asked me for anything before, all we normally did was email small talk. But she had been through a lot and yes, I somehow felt guilty. All the family trouble started because of me.
“Shit!”
Brian grabbed my hand and pulled me into his arms. I was really close to break down and cry. I didn't, I just closed my eyes. Fuck my father, fuck my mother, fuck New York, fuck my solution, fuck my plans – I just wanted to be happy and safe.
“It's okay”, he said while holding me.
We weren't done; there was still a lot of stuff to talk about and to figure out. We hadn't changed anything so far and things had to change.
“Will you be here when I come back?” I asked.
“Sure.”
He told me to go and so I did.
When I picked up Molly twenty minutes later she didn’t look as strong as she sounded on the phone before.
“You’re all right?” I asked.
She shook her head. “She’s driving me crazy.”
“She’s worried.”
“She’s driving me crazy.”
We didn’t talk while we drove to Dad’s house, she just stared out of the window. When we arrived I got worried, too. I was sure that the house wasn’t cleaned so far, there would’ve been blood.
“Are you sure you want to go in there?”
“Why not? It’s not that he died in there, he’s fine.” She had the key, so I had to follow her and I did. It was a long time ago that I had been there.
“Have you ever been here?” she asked me when we entered the house.
“Once. I was asking him to pay for my school, he rejected me.”
“Why?”
I looked at her and shrugged. What was I suppose to tell her? What did she already know? What did he tell her about me? “Guess he had other plans for me.”
“Other than being a gay artist?”
Wow… obviously she knew more than I expected. I just nodded. And then we stood in front of the living room, where she had found him – probably less than 24 hours ago. The blood was still there, but it was almost invisible on the dark floor.
“He apologized, you know”, she said. “Mom fell asleep and I went to his room and woke him up and… he cried and apologized and he promised me that he’ll go to rehab and that… that everything will be okay again.”
I cleared my throat. At least he seemed to realize what he did to her. “Well, that’s a start.”
We were still standing there, staring at the floor. Well she was staring at the floor, I was looking at her.
She crossed her arms and turned around to face me. “Have you wished him to be dead?”
“No.” I cursed him – very often. But deep inside I was still waiting for him to accept me, to love me, to apologize to me and to be my father again. I knew it would never happen and I accepted it.
She nodded and went to the bedroom. I followed her and then I saw it, right above the bed – my painting. The one that Sidney had sold a few days ago; the one that paid 2000 Dollars. A man in a wheelchair with a young woman, probably his daughter.
And there it went, the last bit of pride. My fucking father had bought my fucking painting.
“He bought it”, she said.
I wasn't happy about that and I guess it was obvious since I didn't even try to hide it, not even from her. “Why?”
“Not sure”, she said while packing some of his stuff. “We were talking about my school and about Christmas and what I wanted to have and… then he asked me about you. It was weird, because he rarely asks me about you anymore.”
“I bet.”
“It's because Mom told him that if she ever finds out that he eggs me on against you… she wouldn't let him see me anymore. So he doesn't say anything about you and when I mention you he just smiles and nods.”
I was still staring at the painting. It looked good, it fit with the colors of the room.
“When he came home from the hospital on Thanksgiving he started asking questions about you.”
“Like, is he still gay?” I shook my head.
She sat down on the bed. “I told him some stuff.”
I looked at her. “What stuff?”
“About your comic and that you and Brian were engaged and that you were now living in New York.”
“Okay.”
“He somehow found out that there's one of your paintings hanging in a gallery and he wanted to see it. I didn't expect him to buy it, but when he saw it, he seemed really impressed.”
“And so he decided to pay the fourfold prize?”
“Guess he thought you might need the money.”
“Guess he tried to salve his bad conscience or something.” I sat down beside her and sighed.
She was looking at me; she looked insecure, as if she was afraid of something. “Maybe a near-death experience does that to people. He would be happy to see you.”
I shook my head and laughed. “I'm sorry, but that feeling isn't mutual.”
“So you won't come over tonight?”
“I haven't decided yet.”
“Is it because of Brian? Because you want to spend Christmas with him?”
“Of course I do, that's why I'm here, because of him.”
“Yeah.” She looked down and she sounded disappointed.
“O come on, I didn't mean it that way. Of course I also wanted to see you and Mom and wanted to spend Christmas with you, with the family.”
“He's a part of the family.”
“Not part of mine, I'm sorry Molly, I know you love him and he loves you and that’s how it’s supposed to be and of course you want to spend time with him, but he did some things…”, I closed my eyes briefly and took a deep breath. “I can not act as if that never happened, just because he starts to regret based on a near-death experience and bought one of my paintings.”
“I know”, she sighed. “What happened between you and Dad? It's like a red flag for everyone. Every time I ask Mom she just says, it's better I don't know anything and I can't ask Dad, since… like I said, he doesn't talk about you. All I know is that the two of you don't get along well and that he… doesn't like Brian. Things are complicated is everything Mom says.”
“I'm not sure what to tell you.”
“The truth would be nice.”
“Guess my truth is another than his”, I said and raised an eyebrow.
“Is that why you don't like me?”
“What?” She really caught me off-guard here. I mean, the girl is 12 years old, what are girls supposed to do at that age? She was worrying way too much for my taste and about stuff she shouldn't worry about.
“Because he cares about me, but did bad things to you. Is that why you don't like me?”
I shook my head. “Why do you think I don't like you?”
She shrugged and put a strand of hair behind her ear. “You never call me and when you're in town you barely talk to me, you don't care.”
“Neither do you.” I mean, I would never ignore her. But when I was in town and at my mother's house, she barely looked at me. Most of time she was playing with her play station – my play station – or she went to her room a few minutes after I arrived.
“I send you emails”, she said.
“And I answer you. Always.”
“But you never talk about anything. When I ask you if you're okay, you just say yes, I hope you're too. What kind of conversation is supposed to come out of that?”
“What kind of conversation do you want to come out of it?”
“You could ask me stuff about school or my friends or … anything. You moved out and disappeared. All you care about is Brian and your new family.”
Wow. I didn't see that coming. “I had no idea that you feel like this.”
“You never cared.”
“That's not true Molly. And it's also not true that I don't like you, you're my baby sister, and I love you.”
“So, I can call you from time to time?”
Was there a reason to worry? Again, she was just 12 years old. “You can call me anytime.”
“And about Dad…”
“We shouldn't talk about that. What happened between me and him has nothing to do with you or your relationship to him.”
We packed some of his stuff and then went to a Café. We talked about some things. She told me about school and that some of the boys really liked her and then she made me promise to never tell Mom about it. She also told me that she wasn't a fan of the relationship between Mom and Tucker. Not because she didn't like him, she called him cool, but because he was a teacher at her school and some of her friends were making fun of it/her. She totally relaxed, she even laughed and she asked me about New York, but she was not really interested in the fact that I wasn't the biggest Big Apple fan. She had already decided that she would once live there. She also told me that she wanted to be an architect, which I would call a very weird career choice for a girl her age.
It was almost afternoon when I brought her back home and we sat in the car in front of the house.
“Can you please show up tonight?” she asked me. “Just for a while? An hour or two or so? Please.”
What was I supposed to say?
“I promise he won't say or do anything to hurt you”, she said.
I had to smile, it was too cute. She was really worried. I nodded. “Okay. I'll show up.”
“Great!” She hugged me. “And don't forget my present.”
I looked after her until she closed the door behind her and sat there for a few minutes to think about everything. Had I really been so ignorant that I never realized that my baby sister missed me or wanted to talk to me or tried to talk to me?
I drove back to the loft, it was empty. He wasn't there. And I couldn't call him, because his cell phone was broken. He had told me that he would be here when I came back and now he wasn't. The kitchen was cleaned up, so was the bedroom. My laptop was still standing on the table. I sat down and waited. What else was I supposed to do?
He came back almost one hour later, packed with two bags. He placed them at the kitchen table.
“Where have you been?”
He jerked and turned around. “Fuck! Don't do that.”
I stood up and walked over to him. “Where have you been?”
“I bought some things for the house.”
Wasn't he just adorable? I looked into the bags and found healthy stuff he loved and I laughed. “Is there anything for me in there?”
“I'm sure Debbie will give me enough stuff for you.”
True, she would. And with him saying that I knew he figured out I would go to my Mom's house tonight. “So, you're not angry?”
He leaned against the table and crossed his arms. “How's she?”
“She's doing fine, way better than I expected. She asked me to come tonight.” I moved closer to him and took his hands in mine. “It's not what I had planned for Christmas.”
“It never works out as we plan it.”
“I'll make up for it, I promise.”
He smiled at me, leaned down and kissed me. “I have to go.”
“Where to?” We still had to talk, we had to work things out. Yes, we talked this morning and it was a good talk, but so far nothing had changed.
“Gus arrived and he called and…”
“Okay.” Gus was an acceptable reason.
He looked at me. He knew we had to talk, I could see it in his eyes, he knew we weren't done yet. “I see you tonight?”
I nodded. “At the house.”
When he was gone I was still standing there. It was wrong that we weren't together for Christmas, I could feel it. Not that I expected anything to happen because of it, he knew I would prefer to be with him and the others and I knew that he understood why I would be at my Mom’s house. But it was wrong, it felt wrong. Everything felt just wrong…
Brian's POV
It was the weirdest Christmas I've ever had. And I had a lot of weird Christmases in my life so far.
I enjoyed the time I spent with Gus, he seemed happy to see me, he smiled and ran into my arms, it was different than it was before. He wasn't shy or needed to figure out what I would do, he seemed to know. We talked very often on the phone – he talked and I listened. He told me the same story over and over again and I just listened because I loved to listen to him, I love him for calling, even though I was sure it wasn't his idea, at least not always. One day he would be old enough to realize that I could call him, too and would stop calling. But so far he was just happy to talk to me and to see me and to run through the snow with me – I wasn't that happy about it. The fucking snow ruined my Armani coat.
When we came back to Debbie's house he was tired and fell asleep.
Everybody knew what had happened and why Jennifer and Justin wouldn't be there and so I got a lot of pitiful looks and slaps on the back. Most of time I just sat on one of the chairs and watched them, everyone of them. Lindsay and Melanie, Ted and Blake, Michael and Ben, Debbie and Carl – and Emmett.
Ben had published his new book and we all got one. It was a story of a guy who wanted to get HIV. He was very happy and relieved that they allowed him to publish it. We all congratulated him, even though I doubted that I would ever read the novel.
“I'm so proud of you”, Michael said and kissed him.
“Thanks baby, that means everything.”
For some reason Ben's answer really hit me. The look in his eyes… he was happy, he was proud, he was relieved – he looked at Michael just like Justin looked at me, when he showed me his website. Guess Michael said what I should’ve said. What I still needed to say. There were still a lot of things I needed to tell Justin, things I should’ve told him this morning – or even before.
I felt totally out of place and it got worse with every minute. I felt like I shouldn't be here, like I didn't belong here. And I admit I didn't want to be here. If it wasn't for Gus, I would've left as soon as the presents had been opened.
I just wanted to leave and drive to the house and wait there for Justin. He wasn't far away, just a few minutes by car, but it was a place where I couldn't be and where I didn't want to be. I wanted him to be here, I needed him to be here, with me. I just wanted to flee, to be alone – with him. I just didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone to call me.
Right after dinner Michael's cell phone rang and I knew it was Justin. Who else should call, everyone was here. And I was right, it was Justin. They exchanged some small talk, Justin greeted everybody and then Michael gave me his cell phone.
“He wants to talk to you”, he said with one of his puppy dog smiles.
I took the cell phone and stood up. I couldn't leave the room, since there wasn’t another room downstairs, so I just went to the stairs.
„Hey“, he said.
„Hey“, I answered. “How's it going?“
„Weird.“
I nodded and looked at the table and all the people who were happy, or at least seemed to be. They were laughing, smiling, hugging, and kissing. „Yeah, here, too.“
„It feels just wrong.“
„Totally”, I agreed.
„I miss you.“
I liked that conversation. „You too.“
„How long do you have to stay?“ he asked.
I really liked that conversation. “I could leave. You?”
“Me too.”
I went to the wardrobe and took my jacket. Finally, the weirdness was over. I had a reason to leave, a reason everyone would understand. “See you in thirty minutes?”
I heard a relieved sigh. “I can't wait.”
I hung up and gave Michael his phone back. Before anyone could ask me anything, I just said: “I have to go.”
TBC
Author:
soulmatejunkee Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 4.148
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta:
adoringaudience - thanks so much!Okay, before the EVIL!Soulmatejunkee icons are coming up again (LOOL) ... I think I should let you know, that... you're free to use them! (SORRY!!) The solution is there, but it doesn't come up with that chapter. Hope you'll enjoy it anyway.
It's so great to get so much feedback from so many people. So, THANK YOU!!
Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6
Justin's POV
“No.”
Thank god!
He shook his head again and opened his eyes. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or to say.”
He was totally helpless and it was all my fault and I felt guilty and sorry. I never thought about what he told me, but he was right. I expected too much without telling him what exactly I expected him to do. I remembered the first time I came up with the rules, it worked. Okay, it always worked much better for him than for me, but it worked, because he knew what I expected him to do. And he did it. Always.
I stroked his cheek. “Okay.”
“Okay what?” He looked a little scared. How could he be so scared all the time?
I bit my lower lip before I started. “I don’t want to come home and find you fucking some guy. I don’t want to go to Babylon with you and then watch you checking out other guys and I don’t like to watch you follow one of them to the backroom, while I’m standing at the bar. Willing and waiting. That’s humiliating. I know that none of those guys mean anything to you, but it means something to me.”
He nodded.
“I don’t expect you to stay abstinent when I’m not here. I know you’re going out during the week and I know you’re fucking other guys and it’s okay. I know you love sex, you always have and you should never give up what you love. But when I’m here or when you’re with me in New York, I want it to be us. Just you and me. Okay?”
He nodded again.
“And whatever you do when I’m not here… don’t do it at the house.”
I had no idea if he ever spent time at the house or if he even stayed there overnight or anything, but I knew he had never fucked anyone there. You don’t fuck with your safe place.
“But above all that I want you to do what you want to do. I want you to be happy.” I touched his lips with my finger. “You need to relax. I know that it sucks that you’re here and I’m in New York and I know that a daily phone sex call is not enough to make up for all the time we would spend together if we weren’t apart and I don’t want to hurt you, but I like to be independent.”
He didn’t look disappointed. He even smiled at me. “You should fucking love it. I did.”
“I’m not talking about the clubs and the boys.“ I bumped his chest. When I decided to move to New York I was expecting to visit the clubs, the scene, to fuck some random guys, to have fun. But I haven’t had time for even that and wasn’t in the mood to do it, which was a little weird. Even if phone sex sucked like hell, I really enjoyed it, because I knew he wanted it too, he was waiting for it, just like I was. “And I’m not lying when I say that I miss you, I do.”
“I know.”
I had the feeling that he finally started to relax, at least a little. “So, what about the rings?”
He shook his had. “Nothing.”
I wasn’t sure if I really believed that. I had to be careful with taking everything he said for the truth. He’d hidden so many things and feelings from me so far. “But you kept them and that means something.”
He frowned. “Guess I’m not so good with letting go and moving on.”
“If those rings are important to you, because they give you some safety, then we’ll wear them”, I said. “It makes way more sense than keeping them in the drawer. Actually, I was wearing my ring last night and I have to admit it looks kinda sexy.”
“Yeah it does, doesn’t it?”
Huh? I always loved it, when he realized that he said something, admitted something, he probably didn’t want to say or admit. He was just adorable.
“Can we… spend the night at the house?” I asked. “And can we stay there for the entire week?”
He smiled at me. “If you want to.” So much for I won’t move in there.
“We pack some stuff and I can buy something to eat and… we can meet there.”
He frowned. “It’s Christmas.”
“Gas stations are open.”
He laughed and leaned his head against my shoulder. “We don’t have to meet there; I think I’ll survive a shopping spree at the gas station before we drive to Debbie.”
O right… I sighed. “There’s a reason why I didn't call you tonight and why you couldn’t reach me.”
He looked up again.
“My father attempted suicide yesterday.” Now I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. “He cut the arteries on his wrists.”
“What the fuck?”
“That’s not the worst part, the worst part is that Molly was supposed to visit him and she found him.”
He pulled back to look at me and I guess to make me look at him, too.
“I was already on my way back to you when my mom called and then… it happened so fast and I forgot to call, I’m sorry.”
He just shook his head. He was shocked, it was obvious.
“He's okay. He was asleep when I arrived and didn't wake up until I left, which probably was the best way. Molly was under shock, they kept her at the hospital for the night. She didn't say anything; she just stared at the ceiling. Anyway, they discharge him today and my mom wants him to move in with them until he leaves for rehab next week. She wants to spend Christmas with him and Molly and…”
“She asked you to come?”
I shrugged. “I don't want to spend Christmas with him, I don't want to spend any time with him and I wouldn't even think about it if it wasn't for Molly. I don't know what the right thing to do is.”
“What a selfish bastard…”, Brian mumbled.
“You think it's a bad idea to take him in, don't you?” I asked. “Because I think it is.”
“I can understand that your mother has mixed feelings about him. He sucked as your father but until now we never heard anything bad about him and your sister. But … yes, I think it's a bad idea. Too much conflict material, especially for Christmas.”
I had enough disappointment for the rest of my life, since absolutely nothing had worked out the way I had planned it this weekend. I already had disappointed Brian with the website, which was planned as a reason for celebration, so I didn't want another unexpected surprise.
“Would you be angry if I'd go there?” I asked.
“As long as you don't ask me to accompany you.”
“I'm only masochistic, not sadistic.”
He stroked my back. “Are you sure you want to go?”
“No.”
“Holy shit!” he screamed out and jerked when my cell phone rang. “What the fuck?”
“It's the ring tone, I have to change it.” I grabbed my phone and swallowed. It was Molly's number. She asked me to take her with me when I got some of my fathers stuff out of his house. She sounded very strong, much stronger than I had expected. So I agreed, even though I was sure my mother didn't. Molly asked me to pick her up right now, because she wanted to go out. My sister never asked me for anything before, all we normally did was email small talk. But she had been through a lot and yes, I somehow felt guilty. All the family trouble started because of me.
“Shit!”
Brian grabbed my hand and pulled me into his arms. I was really close to break down and cry. I didn't, I just closed my eyes. Fuck my father, fuck my mother, fuck New York, fuck my solution, fuck my plans – I just wanted to be happy and safe.
“It's okay”, he said while holding me.
We weren't done; there was still a lot of stuff to talk about and to figure out. We hadn't changed anything so far and things had to change.
“Will you be here when I come back?” I asked.
“Sure.”
He told me to go and so I did.
When I picked up Molly twenty minutes later she didn’t look as strong as she sounded on the phone before.
“You’re all right?” I asked.
She shook her head. “She’s driving me crazy.”
“She’s worried.”
“She’s driving me crazy.”
We didn’t talk while we drove to Dad’s house, she just stared out of the window. When we arrived I got worried, too. I was sure that the house wasn’t cleaned so far, there would’ve been blood.
“Are you sure you want to go in there?”
“Why not? It’s not that he died in there, he’s fine.” She had the key, so I had to follow her and I did. It was a long time ago that I had been there.
“Have you ever been here?” she asked me when we entered the house.
“Once. I was asking him to pay for my school, he rejected me.”
“Why?”
I looked at her and shrugged. What was I suppose to tell her? What did she already know? What did he tell her about me? “Guess he had other plans for me.”
“Other than being a gay artist?”
Wow… obviously she knew more than I expected. I just nodded. And then we stood in front of the living room, where she had found him – probably less than 24 hours ago. The blood was still there, but it was almost invisible on the dark floor.
“He apologized, you know”, she said. “Mom fell asleep and I went to his room and woke him up and… he cried and apologized and he promised me that he’ll go to rehab and that… that everything will be okay again.”
I cleared my throat. At least he seemed to realize what he did to her. “Well, that’s a start.”
We were still standing there, staring at the floor. Well she was staring at the floor, I was looking at her.
She crossed her arms and turned around to face me. “Have you wished him to be dead?”
“No.” I cursed him – very often. But deep inside I was still waiting for him to accept me, to love me, to apologize to me and to be my father again. I knew it would never happen and I accepted it.
She nodded and went to the bedroom. I followed her and then I saw it, right above the bed – my painting. The one that Sidney had sold a few days ago; the one that paid 2000 Dollars. A man in a wheelchair with a young woman, probably his daughter.
And there it went, the last bit of pride. My fucking father had bought my fucking painting.
“He bought it”, she said.
I wasn't happy about that and I guess it was obvious since I didn't even try to hide it, not even from her. “Why?”
“Not sure”, she said while packing some of his stuff. “We were talking about my school and about Christmas and what I wanted to have and… then he asked me about you. It was weird, because he rarely asks me about you anymore.”
“I bet.”
“It's because Mom told him that if she ever finds out that he eggs me on against you… she wouldn't let him see me anymore. So he doesn't say anything about you and when I mention you he just smiles and nods.”
I was still staring at the painting. It looked good, it fit with the colors of the room.
“When he came home from the hospital on Thanksgiving he started asking questions about you.”
“Like, is he still gay?” I shook my head.
She sat down on the bed. “I told him some stuff.”
I looked at her. “What stuff?”
“About your comic and that you and Brian were engaged and that you were now living in New York.”
“Okay.”
“He somehow found out that there's one of your paintings hanging in a gallery and he wanted to see it. I didn't expect him to buy it, but when he saw it, he seemed really impressed.”
“And so he decided to pay the fourfold prize?”
“Guess he thought you might need the money.”
“Guess he tried to salve his bad conscience or something.” I sat down beside her and sighed.
She was looking at me; she looked insecure, as if she was afraid of something. “Maybe a near-death experience does that to people. He would be happy to see you.”
I shook my head and laughed. “I'm sorry, but that feeling isn't mutual.”
“So you won't come over tonight?”
“I haven't decided yet.”
“Is it because of Brian? Because you want to spend Christmas with him?”
“Of course I do, that's why I'm here, because of him.”
“Yeah.” She looked down and she sounded disappointed.
“O come on, I didn't mean it that way. Of course I also wanted to see you and Mom and wanted to spend Christmas with you, with the family.”
“He's a part of the family.”
“Not part of mine, I'm sorry Molly, I know you love him and he loves you and that’s how it’s supposed to be and of course you want to spend time with him, but he did some things…”, I closed my eyes briefly and took a deep breath. “I can not act as if that never happened, just because he starts to regret based on a near-death experience and bought one of my paintings.”
“I know”, she sighed. “What happened between you and Dad? It's like a red flag for everyone. Every time I ask Mom she just says, it's better I don't know anything and I can't ask Dad, since… like I said, he doesn't talk about you. All I know is that the two of you don't get along well and that he… doesn't like Brian. Things are complicated is everything Mom says.”
“I'm not sure what to tell you.”
“The truth would be nice.”
“Guess my truth is another than his”, I said and raised an eyebrow.
“Is that why you don't like me?”
“What?” She really caught me off-guard here. I mean, the girl is 12 years old, what are girls supposed to do at that age? She was worrying way too much for my taste and about stuff she shouldn't worry about.
“Because he cares about me, but did bad things to you. Is that why you don't like me?”
I shook my head. “Why do you think I don't like you?”
She shrugged and put a strand of hair behind her ear. “You never call me and when you're in town you barely talk to me, you don't care.”
“Neither do you.” I mean, I would never ignore her. But when I was in town and at my mother's house, she barely looked at me. Most of time she was playing with her play station – my play station – or she went to her room a few minutes after I arrived.
“I send you emails”, she said.
“And I answer you. Always.”
“But you never talk about anything. When I ask you if you're okay, you just say yes, I hope you're too. What kind of conversation is supposed to come out of that?”
“What kind of conversation do you want to come out of it?”
“You could ask me stuff about school or my friends or … anything. You moved out and disappeared. All you care about is Brian and your new family.”
Wow. I didn't see that coming. “I had no idea that you feel like this.”
“You never cared.”
“That's not true Molly. And it's also not true that I don't like you, you're my baby sister, and I love you.”
“So, I can call you from time to time?”
Was there a reason to worry? Again, she was just 12 years old. “You can call me anytime.”
“And about Dad…”
“We shouldn't talk about that. What happened between me and him has nothing to do with you or your relationship to him.”
We packed some of his stuff and then went to a Café. We talked about some things. She told me about school and that some of the boys really liked her and then she made me promise to never tell Mom about it. She also told me that she wasn't a fan of the relationship between Mom and Tucker. Not because she didn't like him, she called him cool, but because he was a teacher at her school and some of her friends were making fun of it/her. She totally relaxed, she even laughed and she asked me about New York, but she was not really interested in the fact that I wasn't the biggest Big Apple fan. She had already decided that she would once live there. She also told me that she wanted to be an architect, which I would call a very weird career choice for a girl her age.
It was almost afternoon when I brought her back home and we sat in the car in front of the house.
“Can you please show up tonight?” she asked me. “Just for a while? An hour or two or so? Please.”
What was I supposed to say?
“I promise he won't say or do anything to hurt you”, she said.
I had to smile, it was too cute. She was really worried. I nodded. “Okay. I'll show up.”
“Great!” She hugged me. “And don't forget my present.”
I looked after her until she closed the door behind her and sat there for a few minutes to think about everything. Had I really been so ignorant that I never realized that my baby sister missed me or wanted to talk to me or tried to talk to me?
I drove back to the loft, it was empty. He wasn't there. And I couldn't call him, because his cell phone was broken. He had told me that he would be here when I came back and now he wasn't. The kitchen was cleaned up, so was the bedroom. My laptop was still standing on the table. I sat down and waited. What else was I supposed to do?
He came back almost one hour later, packed with two bags. He placed them at the kitchen table.
“Where have you been?”
He jerked and turned around. “Fuck! Don't do that.”
I stood up and walked over to him. “Where have you been?”
“I bought some things for the house.”
Wasn't he just adorable? I looked into the bags and found healthy stuff he loved and I laughed. “Is there anything for me in there?”
“I'm sure Debbie will give me enough stuff for you.”
True, she would. And with him saying that I knew he figured out I would go to my Mom's house tonight. “So, you're not angry?”
He leaned against the table and crossed his arms. “How's she?”
“She's doing fine, way better than I expected. She asked me to come tonight.” I moved closer to him and took his hands in mine. “It's not what I had planned for Christmas.”
“It never works out as we plan it.”
“I'll make up for it, I promise.”
He smiled at me, leaned down and kissed me. “I have to go.”
“Where to?” We still had to talk, we had to work things out. Yes, we talked this morning and it was a good talk, but so far nothing had changed.
“Gus arrived and he called and…”
“Okay.” Gus was an acceptable reason.
He looked at me. He knew we had to talk, I could see it in his eyes, he knew we weren't done yet. “I see you tonight?”
I nodded. “At the house.”
When he was gone I was still standing there. It was wrong that we weren't together for Christmas, I could feel it. Not that I expected anything to happen because of it, he knew I would prefer to be with him and the others and I knew that he understood why I would be at my Mom’s house. But it was wrong, it felt wrong. Everything felt just wrong…
Brian's POV
It was the weirdest Christmas I've ever had. And I had a lot of weird Christmases in my life so far.
I enjoyed the time I spent with Gus, he seemed happy to see me, he smiled and ran into my arms, it was different than it was before. He wasn't shy or needed to figure out what I would do, he seemed to know. We talked very often on the phone – he talked and I listened. He told me the same story over and over again and I just listened because I loved to listen to him, I love him for calling, even though I was sure it wasn't his idea, at least not always. One day he would be old enough to realize that I could call him, too and would stop calling. But so far he was just happy to talk to me and to see me and to run through the snow with me – I wasn't that happy about it. The fucking snow ruined my Armani coat.
When we came back to Debbie's house he was tired and fell asleep.
Everybody knew what had happened and why Jennifer and Justin wouldn't be there and so I got a lot of pitiful looks and slaps on the back. Most of time I just sat on one of the chairs and watched them, everyone of them. Lindsay and Melanie, Ted and Blake, Michael and Ben, Debbie and Carl – and Emmett.
Ben had published his new book and we all got one. It was a story of a guy who wanted to get HIV. He was very happy and relieved that they allowed him to publish it. We all congratulated him, even though I doubted that I would ever read the novel.
“I'm so proud of you”, Michael said and kissed him.
“Thanks baby, that means everything.”
For some reason Ben's answer really hit me. The look in his eyes… he was happy, he was proud, he was relieved – he looked at Michael just like Justin looked at me, when he showed me his website. Guess Michael said what I should’ve said. What I still needed to say. There were still a lot of things I needed to tell Justin, things I should’ve told him this morning – or even before.
I felt totally out of place and it got worse with every minute. I felt like I shouldn't be here, like I didn't belong here. And I admit I didn't want to be here. If it wasn't for Gus, I would've left as soon as the presents had been opened.
I just wanted to leave and drive to the house and wait there for Justin. He wasn't far away, just a few minutes by car, but it was a place where I couldn't be and where I didn't want to be. I wanted him to be here, I needed him to be here, with me. I just wanted to flee, to be alone – with him. I just didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone to call me.
Right after dinner Michael's cell phone rang and I knew it was Justin. Who else should call, everyone was here. And I was right, it was Justin. They exchanged some small talk, Justin greeted everybody and then Michael gave me his cell phone.
“He wants to talk to you”, he said with one of his puppy dog smiles.
I took the cell phone and stood up. I couldn't leave the room, since there wasn’t another room downstairs, so I just went to the stairs.
„Hey“, he said.
„Hey“, I answered. “How's it going?“
„Weird.“
I nodded and looked at the table and all the people who were happy, or at least seemed to be. They were laughing, smiling, hugging, and kissing. „Yeah, here, too.“
„It feels just wrong.“
„Totally”, I agreed.
„I miss you.“
I liked that conversation. „You too.“
„How long do you have to stay?“ he asked.
I really liked that conversation. “I could leave. You?”
“Me too.”
I went to the wardrobe and took my jacket. Finally, the weirdness was over. I had a reason to leave, a reason everyone would understand. “See you in thirty minutes?”
I heard a relieved sigh. “I can't wait.”
I hung up and gave Michael his phone back. Before anyone could ask me anything, I just said: “I have to go.”
TBC
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on 2011-02-05 11:33 am (UTC)OMG, what a sad tension here. It´s really not easy for both of them, and that you captured so well that I feel as if I´m there too. They both are like a robot going through the day, the christmas events, Justin´s talk with Molly, so much more needed to be said but it´s too much to work through all of that by now. Same for Brian, he seems to be standing just before an outburst. I guess it´s absolutely clear that for both of them it was more like a day to get over, still waiting for the main event, the talk at the house, to be together where they both feel belonging now.
But I was proud of Justin, the way he managed Brian to be open up, to be honest about what he wants. I hope he can manage this for their longer talk as well. There will be a longer talk, right? And soon, right? It´s really painful for BJ (and little Pet too)....
Whow, the tension like crawled under my skin...
Have to re-read it later. For now, thanks, soulmate, for this tension! Pet
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on 2011-02-05 01:46 pm (UTC)There will be a... talk.
Depends on what you would call long *lol*
Anyway, nice icon!
Thanks for reading and... thanks for your comment.
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on 2011-02-05 09:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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on 2011-02-05 12:59 pm (UTC)First, so glad Brian said "no"
I didn't have any doubts, but with you, we can never be sure ;)
I really like the new rules Justin asked for.
That's fair. They have just few time together, and they have to spend those special moments just the two of them.
The rings!!! Yeah! That's the right thing to do.
Oh poor little Molly =(
She's really smart. I really appreciated she told Justin about her feelings. Now brother and sister can start a new kind of relationship.
So, the secret man that bought the painting was Craig eh? I've never imagined it. That was a surprise, and honestly a good one. Maybe he has finally realized the big mistake he has made in the past... let's just hope he won't hurt Justin anymore.
Brian has now finally realized that his reaction about the website hurt Justin. I'm sure he will try to fix this.
Ok, now you've left us AGAIN here, with the terrible need to read more.... The house, the boys alone, talks to do... isn't the next update really up???? ;)
I love my evil soulmate ♥
Thanks sweetie for another terrific chapter.
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on 2011-02-05 01:49 pm (UTC)Guess there are some out there, right?! :D
Thanks for your lovely comment.
Craig, the rings, the future... it will all be figured out :)
Sooner or later.
Honestly, I haven't found a solution for everything so far, but... maybe my muse will show up again and give me some input!
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on 2011-02-05 01:14 pm (UTC)thanks so much for this,hon,can't wait for more!
huge hugs
V.
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on 2011-02-05 02:01 pm (UTC)Lovely comment as always, loved to read it.
Happy you liked it.
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on 2011-02-05 01:53 pm (UTC)Finally, the weirdness was over.
Yes, please, I just want them to have a nice Christmas together. Make love. Talk. Feel good.
It was such relief after all the sad tension in this chapter when Justin finally called Brian so that they could both go to the house.
Also, I don't really know what to make of Craig here.
Have a nice weekend and thanks for this chapter!
Hugs, Rena :)
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on 2011-02-05 02:03 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading.
We all want happy BJ, right? :)
I'll do my best.
Nice weekend for you, too.
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on 2011-02-05 04:50 pm (UTC)I don't know how to feel about Craig buying the painting. Justin on some level must be disappointed. I mean, he believes his father bought it out of guilt or something. It would have meant much more to him if a stranger bought it with no other motive than he/she just really liked it. I feel bad for Justin.
Justin setting 'rules' with Brian is perfect. Brian has no clue about relationships, he needs guidance in that department. Glad to see Justin realizing that. it's not that he's telling Brian what to do, he's just expressing what he wants out of the relationship, it's up to Brian to decide what he can give him, and what he can't. Though I don't believe there is anything Brian would deny his Sunshine. :-)
Really loved this chapter!
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on 2011-02-05 07:19 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading and for your lovely comment.
I'm happy that you liked the chapter.
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on 2011-02-05 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-05 07:14 pm (UTC)Everybody thinks I'm evil... *sniff*
Well, yes, Craig traumatized his girl, she sure is shocked, but if he really would be dead now, wouldn't she be even more traumatized?
It sucks for Justin - as always when Craig shows up :)
We'll seee... EVIL!SMJ is a Justin's girl so I will make him happy.
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on 2011-02-05 06:32 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-05 07:11 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-05 06:33 pm (UTC)Rules for Brian to live by...yeah I think he needs that, something to keep him focused, keep his actions in check. Because for all those years he lived by his own rules until Justin came along and gave him some new ones in S2, and now again that their situation has changed. it's kind of a way that Justin is able to care for Brian...
Lovely update! ...on to Britin! :)
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on 2011-02-05 07:12 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading and for your comment.
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on 2011-02-05 06:47 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-05 07:18 pm (UTC)It's so great to read that you like my little story, makes me very proud.
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on 2011-02-05 07:20 pm (UTC)Later Darling ~ Kathleen
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on 2011-02-05 07:23 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading and for your comment, Kathleen.
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on 2011-02-05 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-05 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-05 08:56 pm (UTC)Dee Dee
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on 2011-02-05 09:31 pm (UTC)Happy that you liked it.
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on 2011-02-05 09:07 pm (UTC)From Justin's talk with Molly & his "not finished yet" talk with Brian, they still have a ways to go.
I think they should wear their rings, that should make Brian a lot happier, I can;t wait to read about their Xmas night at Britin.
They will make it, nothings ever easy, they just need to love each other & ah yes "trust" as well,,I enjoyed this later Jx
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on 2011-02-05 09:35 pm (UTC)Missed your comment at the last chapter.
Happy to read that you still like it :)
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on 2011-02-05 09:28 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-05 09:31 pm (UTC)They always make up for anything, don't they?
Thanks for reading and for your comment.
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on 2011-02-05 10:14 pm (UTC)New rules. It has never happened was Brian the one who broke even the ancient ones! But Justin was! The rules his-self made. But yes: I like even the new ones, in order to see this relationship increase more and more and becoming a REAL LOVE.
And I love the way you keep on the tread of original series of QAF, no missing any details: you know very well your stuff! Loved the reload of Molly-Justin relationship and Gus-Brian too. About Craig: I hope he feel really guilty for his son and tried to manage this by doing non-senses someway. I hope he'll set up with Justin... maybe through Molly? It'd be great!
Now our lovey-dovies... can't wait to read next chapter: you'll give us some desirable content will you? After all these evil stuff we deserve it! Don't we?
BTW : the Deutsch board, I'd like to know those fans thoughts too... but, even if I meant to learn Deutsch I don't understand a single word yet. But I don't despair, I'll learn it before I die!
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on 2011-02-05 10:44 pm (UTC)Here it's Justin, yes.
And yes, Brian never broke the rules... I'm totally aware of that and I always loved him for that. But that doesn't mean that those rules were perfect or easy to live for Justin. IMO those rules were very Brian-friendly.
New rules or... some more rules are just a kind of developing, at least for me :) It doesn't mean that Brian did anything wrong with the old ones. This talk is all about "What do you want? And what do I want? And are we able to find a way, a compromise?"
Thanks for reading and thanks for your comment and for sharing your thoughts. And yes, the next chapter will be pure B/J ;)
Deutsch is a very difficult language IMO.
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on 2011-02-05 11:02 pm (UTC)I was afraid about Brian's answer but, all the conversation was good. They need to talk about other things but, it was a start, a good start. The meeting at the house will be the Big Talk, I can't wait.
And how about the painting who Craig bought, it surprised me a lot and how the little Molly isn't the little Molly anymore, she missed Justin a lot, she said laud, she's very brave, isn't she?
I feel our boys are a little close now, maybe it's about the conversation on the phone, I don't know but I can feel it. I love when Brian admits that he weared the ring and when Justin talks for the two of them, that way is easy for Brian.
I'm relly excited about the next chapter.
Kisses
PD: I see you admit that you are, well, they say it's the first step, to admit that you are Evil, anyway all we already know it!!
I love your Evil-icon, thankfully I'm already prepared :D
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on 2011-02-05 11:29 pm (UTC)Well, about my icon: I had to do something after I found 3 of your icons on the replies *LOL*
I'm happy to read that you don't hate me anymore after this chapter :)
It's a step forward, isn't it?
Yes, I think Molly's a strong girl: Look at her mother, look at her brother - and overlook her father (LOL).
Thanks for reading and for your comment :)
Ejem*clearthroat*....what??
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on 2011-02-06 12:41 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-06 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-07 02:36 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-07 08:53 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading.
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on 2011-02-07 07:05 pm (UTC)Thank you for the update!!!
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on 2011-02-07 08:53 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-07 08:57 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-07 09:00 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading and for your lovely comment :)
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on 2011-02-08 09:08 pm (UTC)Great update!
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on 2011-02-17 02:44 am (UTC)He nodded.
“I don’t expect you to stay abstinent when I’m not here. I know you’re going out during the week and I know you’re fucking other guys and it’s okay. I know you love sex, you always have and you should never give up what you love. But when I’m here or when you’re with me in New York, I want it to be us. Just you and me. Okay?”
He nodded again.
“And whatever you do when I’m not here… don’t do it at the house.”
I had no idea if he ever spent time at the house or if he even stayed there overnight or anything, but I knew he had never fucked anyone there. You don’t fuck with your safe place.
“But above all that I want you to do what you want to do. I want you to be happy.” I touched his lips with my finger. “You need to relax. I know that it sucks that you’re here and I’m in New York and I know that a daily phone sex call is not enough to make up for all the time we would spend together if we weren’t apart and I don’t want to hurt you, but I like to be independent.”
That is just about precisely how I think their relationship would evolve. Causal sex was always v. important to Brian, but not so important to Justin. But, as long as Justin feels loved and secure, he doesn't mind in the least what Brian does when he's not around. In this fic, they really need to have this kind of talk and I'm v. happy that Justin took Daphne's advice!
Further, I truly do believe canon!Justin would feel this way, that Brian can do what he likes when he's alone, but when they're together, they need to be together. And, as we saw how canon!Brian, evolved, I don't think he would have a major problem with that, so well done!
But, wow, all the stuff with Molly is sure complicated - it was good to see her and Justin's relationship laid out. I hope they're able to become closer.
When are they gonna put on the rings? It needs to happen asap, lol!
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on 2011-02-17 02:49 pm (UTC)So glad to see you back!!
Hope I get more of your lovely feedbacks on the other chapters, too!
And thanks so much. I agree, I always thought that they had to talk and to compromise, because IMO none of there problems was so big that they had to break up... but talking (or listening or compromising) was never one of their best.