Changes, Part 15
Oct. 16th, 2011 08:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soulmatejunkeeTitle: Changes, Part 15/? (You & Me-Series)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
soulmatejunkee
Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 3.538
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta: My lovelymander3_swish - thank you :)
As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
01. Listen to me
02. Trust me
03. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
04. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
05. ...remember what's missing?
06. The Party
07. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
08. 1 wedding, 4 rings... 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
09. The first Webcam Sex Chat
10. The first call
11. Expectations - Happy Valentine | Revenge
12. March 18th 2006
13. Aftermath - 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8
14. Be careful what you wish for
15. Changes - 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15
Justin's POV
We were dancing. Actually, we were almost standing still while the others were dancing around us; our moves didn’t fit with the music. My original plan was to go out to dance and to just get ourselves free of all the bullshit that had happened during my first week at home, but Brian seemed to think a little differently and I had no intention to change his plans – whatever they were.
After he come home again and made… well… made love to me - I can’t call it fucking because he was so tender, so careful, so thoughtful all the time, as if he would break me if he would fuck me – he told me that he had ordered Cynthia to book two tickets to Acapulco and that he couldn’t wait to get out of here.
That’s when I decided to give him some free time and offered a night dancing (and fucking and drugging and whatever he wanted to do), and I expected him to go alone, I expected him to need a break. Even though it was my first week it had been a shitty week for him, but as soon as I said “You should go clear your head for bit, how about dancing?” he gave me a knowing smile and nodded and told me that it was about time that we showed up at Babylon again. That way people would know I was back in town.
I had no intention of going to Babylon with him just to watch him find some hot stud to fuck to get his mind clear. Then I remembered us agreeing that as long as I was there he wouldn’t leave me alone for someone else, so I decided to not mention it and to trust him.
But I never expected this. On the other hand… why was I so surprised? It wasn’t the first time he completely shut out everyone and everything else around us. Being with Brian, who was very unpredictable normally, meant expecting the worse. It wasn’t fair. He had changed a lot, and I knew he really tried to please me and to do everything right and no matter how often I told him that he should do what made him happy, I admit I had reached a level where I had no idea anymore what really made him happy.
Being high?
Getting sucked off?
Being fucked?
Fucking someone?
And if it was none of that anymore, if it was me who made him happy, and if he really didn’t want to find some hot guy to fuck him against the wall in the backroom, but wanted to dance with me, then I would need a little time to deal with the new Brian Kinney. I had already lost count of how many different sides of him I already knew.
As cool as it was to be the center of his world – I mean, come on, after all we’re still talking about the guy who fucked at least two different guys per night since he was 18 years old and who never wanted to fall in love, be in a relationship, nor get married – it made me a little insecure. I didn’t want to ask him all the time if he was happy and if he was really doing what he wanted to do. If I asked him to trust me, I had to trust him, too.
Honestly, what was I worried about? There might have been some new so-called “hot studs of Liberty Avenue,” but there was no second Brian Kinney. He was still beautiful and as soon as he entered a room every guy was looking at him. So how cool was it to watch all of them looking at him and knowing that he only had eyes for me? I tamed Brian Kinney.
Scary, wasn’t it?
“What?!” I heard his voice.
I looked up at him and he was obviously worried. What had happened? We weren’t dancing anymore, we were standing still. When did we stop dancing?
“What’s wrong?!” I asked him. I really wanted to remain calm… to not be worried that he had seen a hot guy he needed to fuck, but it was a mission impossible. Okay, give me a little time!
“You stopped!” he said.
I did? Hmm…
Damn, he looked really worried. I smiled at him, put one arm around his neck, and kissed him. I got up on my tip toes to get my lips close to his ear so that I wouldn’t have to yell. “Where do you want me to suck you off? In the VIP room or the good old backroom? We can show them that we’re back.”
We so fucking showed them and you know what? I loved it! It was great to be back. They recognized me immediately when Brian pulled me through the crowd into the backroom and pressed me against the wall to kiss me.
“Here we are,” he whispered onto my lips.
I turned us around, pushed him against the wall, and opened his Jeans. Well, one thing never changed… his already hard dick popped out. I got down on my knees to celebrate a homecoming like they had never seen before. I also wanted to show Brian why I was the man who gave the best blowjobs.
My mouth slipped around the head of his cock. I moved my tongue in long, savory strokes, fingers loosely coiled at the base. I sucked the tip until he made a choked sound, and then slid my lips down a few more inches.
I kept my eyes shut because I knew my plan was working. He was totally lost, totally into it. His hand on my neck pushed me while he pushed himself. There was no better way to make Brian Kinney lose control than sucking him of in front of an audience. At least for me… He never lost control with others. I’ve seen it. So either I was better then the rest or it was simply because he loved me and was willing to give up control with me. Honestly, I prefer my first theory.
I shifted a little and the head of his cock pressed against my cheek, while my tongue angling to reach the area I couldn't quite get in my mouth. He moaned loudly and I could feel his legs shaking.
I pulled back a little and smiled up at him. He looked back at me and breathed in sharply through his teeth as my fingers stroked up and down his cock. "Ready to come?”
He nodded, closed his eyes, and moaned again when I pursed my lips into a kiss and brushed them across the tip of his cock. I felt his precome on my tongue and licked it around his tip.
I met his gaze as I slid my mouth back down his length. I knew he was close to coming when he started to fuck my mouth. He normally didn’t do that, he normally stayed in control and let – whoever – finish the blowjob. As I said, I’ve seen it. But with me, he didn’t let me finish it, he forced it by fucking my mouth. I swallowed down his cock and when my teeth touched him, just lightly, it was all over. One last moan, eyes closed, one hand in my hair – and completely not in control anymore.
He groaned into the darkness, his hips arched upwards off the wall. I tried to press him back when he forced his cock farther into my mouth. I pulled back just enough so that when he finally came, I could swallow it easily.
He shivered while I licked him clean. ThenI got up again and pressed myself against him. He was still leaning against the wall, his eyes closed, and his breathing hard. I kissed his neck and sighed, satisfied. We had the attention of the guys around us and some of them had even used us to speed up their own orgasms. I knew that was exactly the attention Brian loved to get.
After a few seconds, I felt his hand on my neck and his lips on mine, before he nodded and said, “Welcome home.”
Even though some things might have changed, I don’t think Brian Kinney will ever sink down to his knees in front of me in the backroom. To be honest, I don’t even want him too. Some things don’t have to change. He took my hand and pulled me out of the backroom and straight into his private VIP lounge. Actually… it’s a shame that no one will ever see how great he is in giving head.
That night was amazing and it was the totally right decision to go out and to stay out the entire night. We had a brunch invitation Ted and Blake at their house for Sunday. It was short notice, but it seemed to be very important to them. So we stayed at the loft that night, which was weird honestly. It was still a cool place, but it didn’t seem like us anymore. It felt strange. Of course I didn’t say anything. It was just one night, so what the fuck?
I didn’t sleep well… no idea why. My head was full with bullshit, things I shouldn’t think about, but it had been things I needed to talk about to Brian. I was really scared that in the end he would freak out about it and I would spend the entire week alone at the house while he tried to find his libido again or something.
“You know, thinking too much makes you old,” he sighed.
It was 7 AM, way to soon to get up. I looked at him, his eyes were still closed.
“I’ll try not to frown while thinking, I promise,” I answered.
“What is it?”
Yeah what, a lot of stuff, but in the end it was just… “You.”
“What about me?”
“A lot.”
“I’m still asleep, how can I keep you awake?”
“I feel like I’m living with loose cannon. You know, like now. While saying that I’m afraid that it will scare you and that you’re going to freak out and start to fuck around again. I know you don’t fuck around much lately, so don’t even try to deny it. It’s just so… I can’t just ask you if you’re happy and I’m always wondering if you really are or not. And then the next bullshit thing happens, like your mom, and you finally talk to me about your parents, but in the end I’m even more confused…”
I turned to him and now his eyes were open and he was looking at me, actually he was frowning.
“…because I don’t understand it. I know that you don’t want to be like your father and I know he was abusive and told you that he never wanted to have a family and blah blah… but…” I got up, so that was sitting straight up in bed while looking at him. “Honestly Brian, how can you blame this on yourself? How can you be responsible for your father's mistakes? I don’t get that. If he really never loved your mother, why did he marry her? And if he really didn’t want another kid after your sister – which actually is understandable, she’s horrible – why didn’t he use a condom or stop it before it happened?”
Now the frowning was accompanied by a raised eyebrow.
“And why did he stay? If he was so fucking unhappy, if he hated to be the guy he was, why didn’t he just leave? And how exactly can it be your fault that you were born and that he stuck with a wife he didn’t love and a family he never wanted? If you ask me, your father was a fucking coward! If he would’ve had any balls he would’ve left and started a new life someplace else. It happens all the time, everywhere! It’s neither noble nor pitiable what he did, it’s just pathetic! And because he was to coward to take the responsibility for his decisions, he blamed it all on you – and probably also on your sister and your mother!”
Now the frowning and the raised eyebrow were accompanied by blinking.
“Talking about your mother makes me even more angry! She was just as pathetic as he was! If she would’ve been a good mother, she would’ve packed up her stuff and her kids and would’ve left him. Praying 24/7” – I looked up and nodded, “God forgive me,” – I looked back at Brian, “doesn’t help anyone and it also doesn’t prevent anything from happening. Same goes for drinking. And even though she might have never hit you, she was even worse! What mother tells her son that he got cancer as a punishment? She makes me feel sorry for every bad attitude I ever gave my mom! And your sister is… completely fucked up. She’s just as pathetic as her parents were; she’s a brat, a bitch, coldhearted, and stupid. She’s stupid! And you know what’s the worst part?”
The blinking had stopped, but the rest was still there. Okay, I admit I was totally enraged. I hadn’t intented to talk/vent so much, but as soon as I started, it all came out and it felt good.
“You are! Because you still believe all the bullshit they told you! No matter how often you’ve been told that you’re not like your father, you still think you are! And the more you distance yourself from being the selfish loner who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else, the more you fight against it, as if being like your father was safer than accepting that you’re not like him and that you do love others, that you want to be in a relationship, that you love your son, and…” I swallowed and looked down. “…that what I want to have with you isn’t that bad.”
Then there was silence for a few seconds before he cleared his throat. “Wow, you definitely spent a lot more time thinking about my fucking family than I ever have.”
I looked back at him. “I just tried to figure you out. I just want to know if you’re happy and I want to make sure that we’re doing it right this time, but I’m afraid I lost my ability to read you.”
“Do I seem unhappy to you?” he asked me.
“You also seemed happy when you proposed to me and when I said yes and when we bought the suits and the rings, and in the end it turned out you weren’t happy.”
“Really?” He sighed and closed his eyes again when he stretched himself. “What the fuck is this ‘talking’ shit all about? It seems like it’s all we do anymore!”
“And still everything so fucking complicated.” I let myself slip down again and moved closer to him. “I’m really just trying to understand. Everytime I think I do… I don’t.”
He looked back at me and frowned. “How exactly did you figure out that I don’t fuck around much, lately?”
“I have my ways.”
He looked at this fingers that were playing with the pillow. “And you like it that way, don’t you?”
“I told you that I don’t expect you to be monogamous. I can deal with it.”
“Bull. Shit. You would be disappointed.”
I bit my lower lip. He was right and I was still busy with figuring out when this had happened. Sure, I always wanted us to be exclusive, but I never felt betrayed when he was with others. I knew for him it was just sex and that I had nothing to fear. “It never bothered me. I always knew that none of those guys meant anything to you, that there was no competition for me, so… what is this? What’s changed?”
He was still staring at his hand, probably at the ring on his finger. “We did.”
“And what are we doing now?”
He laughed and looked up at me. “Funny that you’re asking me.”
We were looking at each other for a while. At least he wasn’t freaking out or pushing me away… that was a good thing. With everything I had been saying, it could have ended worse. A lot worse.
“Do you miss it?” I asked him.
“No, I don’t miss it. I’m just wondering when I lost my hunting instinct.”
I started laughing. I had no idea why, but I couldn’t help it. We really were a weird couple. Even when he didn’t have any problems, we were able to create some because our relationship was so fucked up, so fucking complicated. I took his hand in mine, still laughing, and then I sighed.
“We’re going to fuck this up again, aren’t we?” he asked.
“More than likely.”
He nodded and entwined his fingers with mine. “Those so-called perfect relationships never work.”
“Some do.”
“Like the munchers?”
“Like Michael and Ben or Blake and Ted.”
He made a face and shook his head. “Seven and three years, that’s your reference?”
“How about eight years? And oh my good, do you know that we’re the longest-lasting couple of he gang?” I smiled at him and closed my eyes briefly. “I’m sorry for … this.”
He shrugged. “Everything you said was true.”
“Thanks. So, let’s make a deal okay? We stop being so fucking careful around each other because that’s really stressful. We just have to be honest with each other and with ourselves. If you’re not happy, tell me and if I’m not happy, I tell you. Then we’ll figure out if we find a way to fix it together or… not.”
“Okay.”
So far so good, especially since I had no idea what I expected to come of this. And as much as I loved to talk and as much as I needed him to talk to me from time to time, this new stage of life was just as new for him as it was for me. We would figure it out. We always had. “Wanna fuck me in the shower?”
He sighed. “I thought you’d never ask.”
Have I mentioned that I love fucking in the shower? I wish I could say that I felt better, relieved and less insecure, but I didn’t. It was one thing to deal with Brian-Fucking-Kinney, it was another thing to deal with Brian-loves-me-Kinney. But I would figure it out, sooner or later. It was just another challenge.
After we both came, he held me close with my back pressed against his chest, his arms around my shoulders, and the water falling down on us. I could feel his breath on my ear.
“And by the way,” he whispered. “I am happy.”
See, we would figure it out…
We had a small breakfast, and while he was dressing, I was standing in front of the windows wondering what had changed with the loft that it didn’t feel like home anymore. I had always wanted to live here from the first moment I stepped inside, and when I lived here it felt like home, but now…
“It doesn’t feel like home anymore, does it?”
I winced and looked at him. Did I say it loud? No, I didn’t. “What?”
“The loft. It doesn’t fit anymore.”
I knew how much he had always loved this place and so did I. And it was still special, but it felt strange to be here. I had no idea he felt the same. “It’s still a cool place.”
“Yeah, but it’s not my place anymore. I already thought so when I was here a few days ago.”
As stupid as it might sound, even though I didn’t feel at home here anymore, I didn’t want to give up on it. Does that make any sense? The loft would always be a special place to me and even thinking about not being here anymore – never again – was worse than feeling like a visitor. I walked over to Brian. “Maybe you should rent it out. I’m sure there are some people who would love to live here. And then you wouldn’t have to give it up completely. It’s still there.”
He looked at me for a while, before he nodded. “I guess I have to call your mom… again.”
I didn’t want to force him to do it, there was no reason for. “You don’t have to, Brian. It’s still your loft, if you…”
“I’ll call her.” He pulled me closer and kissed me and I couldn’t help it, I started smiling like an idiot. It made him laugh at me. “What?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “It’s just... this is so fucking cool.”
“What exactly?”
“This, everything, we… you and me… in the house… together. I never thought this would happen. I mean for real. It’s just cool.”
He nodded and frowned. “So I finally made you happy.”
I got up on my tiptoes and kissed his chin. “Give yourself more credit.” Then I took his hand. “Come on, let’s go and see what big news Ted and Blake have to share with us.”
“Ted impregnated Blake, what else?”
TBC
Author:
soulmatejunkee Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 3.538
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta: My lovely
mander3_swish - thank you :)As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
01. Listen to me
02. Trust me
03. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
04. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
05. ...remember what's missing?
06. The Party
07. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
08. 1 wedding, 4 rings... 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12
09. The first Webcam Sex Chat
10. The first call
11. Expectations - Happy Valentine | Revenge
12. March 18th 2006
13. Aftermath - 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8
14. Be careful what you wish for
15. Changes - 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15
Justin's POV
We were dancing. Actually, we were almost standing still while the others were dancing around us; our moves didn’t fit with the music. My original plan was to go out to dance and to just get ourselves free of all the bullshit that had happened during my first week at home, but Brian seemed to think a little differently and I had no intention to change his plans – whatever they were.
After he come home again and made… well… made love to me - I can’t call it fucking because he was so tender, so careful, so thoughtful all the time, as if he would break me if he would fuck me – he told me that he had ordered Cynthia to book two tickets to Acapulco and that he couldn’t wait to get out of here.
That’s when I decided to give him some free time and offered a night dancing (and fucking and drugging and whatever he wanted to do), and I expected him to go alone, I expected him to need a break. Even though it was my first week it had been a shitty week for him, but as soon as I said “You should go clear your head for bit, how about dancing?” he gave me a knowing smile and nodded and told me that it was about time that we showed up at Babylon again. That way people would know I was back in town.
I had no intention of going to Babylon with him just to watch him find some hot stud to fuck to get his mind clear. Then I remembered us agreeing that as long as I was there he wouldn’t leave me alone for someone else, so I decided to not mention it and to trust him.
But I never expected this. On the other hand… why was I so surprised? It wasn’t the first time he completely shut out everyone and everything else around us. Being with Brian, who was very unpredictable normally, meant expecting the worse. It wasn’t fair. He had changed a lot, and I knew he really tried to please me and to do everything right and no matter how often I told him that he should do what made him happy, I admit I had reached a level where I had no idea anymore what really made him happy.
Being high?
Getting sucked off?
Being fucked?
Fucking someone?
And if it was none of that anymore, if it was me who made him happy, and if he really didn’t want to find some hot guy to fuck him against the wall in the backroom, but wanted to dance with me, then I would need a little time to deal with the new Brian Kinney. I had already lost count of how many different sides of him I already knew.
As cool as it was to be the center of his world – I mean, come on, after all we’re still talking about the guy who fucked at least two different guys per night since he was 18 years old and who never wanted to fall in love, be in a relationship, nor get married – it made me a little insecure. I didn’t want to ask him all the time if he was happy and if he was really doing what he wanted to do. If I asked him to trust me, I had to trust him, too.
Honestly, what was I worried about? There might have been some new so-called “hot studs of Liberty Avenue,” but there was no second Brian Kinney. He was still beautiful and as soon as he entered a room every guy was looking at him. So how cool was it to watch all of them looking at him and knowing that he only had eyes for me? I tamed Brian Kinney.
Scary, wasn’t it?
“What?!” I heard his voice.
I looked up at him and he was obviously worried. What had happened? We weren’t dancing anymore, we were standing still. When did we stop dancing?
“What’s wrong?!” I asked him. I really wanted to remain calm… to not be worried that he had seen a hot guy he needed to fuck, but it was a mission impossible. Okay, give me a little time!
“You stopped!” he said.
I did? Hmm…
Damn, he looked really worried. I smiled at him, put one arm around his neck, and kissed him. I got up on my tip toes to get my lips close to his ear so that I wouldn’t have to yell. “Where do you want me to suck you off? In the VIP room or the good old backroom? We can show them that we’re back.”
We so fucking showed them and you know what? I loved it! It was great to be back. They recognized me immediately when Brian pulled me through the crowd into the backroom and pressed me against the wall to kiss me.
“Here we are,” he whispered onto my lips.
I turned us around, pushed him against the wall, and opened his Jeans. Well, one thing never changed… his already hard dick popped out. I got down on my knees to celebrate a homecoming like they had never seen before. I also wanted to show Brian why I was the man who gave the best blowjobs.
My mouth slipped around the head of his cock. I moved my tongue in long, savory strokes, fingers loosely coiled at the base. I sucked the tip until he made a choked sound, and then slid my lips down a few more inches.
I kept my eyes shut because I knew my plan was working. He was totally lost, totally into it. His hand on my neck pushed me while he pushed himself. There was no better way to make Brian Kinney lose control than sucking him of in front of an audience. At least for me… He never lost control with others. I’ve seen it. So either I was better then the rest or it was simply because he loved me and was willing to give up control with me. Honestly, I prefer my first theory.
I shifted a little and the head of his cock pressed against my cheek, while my tongue angling to reach the area I couldn't quite get in my mouth. He moaned loudly and I could feel his legs shaking.
I pulled back a little and smiled up at him. He looked back at me and breathed in sharply through his teeth as my fingers stroked up and down his cock. "Ready to come?”
He nodded, closed his eyes, and moaned again when I pursed my lips into a kiss and brushed them across the tip of his cock. I felt his precome on my tongue and licked it around his tip.
I met his gaze as I slid my mouth back down his length. I knew he was close to coming when he started to fuck my mouth. He normally didn’t do that, he normally stayed in control and let – whoever – finish the blowjob. As I said, I’ve seen it. But with me, he didn’t let me finish it, he forced it by fucking my mouth. I swallowed down his cock and when my teeth touched him, just lightly, it was all over. One last moan, eyes closed, one hand in my hair – and completely not in control anymore.
He groaned into the darkness, his hips arched upwards off the wall. I tried to press him back when he forced his cock farther into my mouth. I pulled back just enough so that when he finally came, I could swallow it easily.
He shivered while I licked him clean. ThenI got up again and pressed myself against him. He was still leaning against the wall, his eyes closed, and his breathing hard. I kissed his neck and sighed, satisfied. We had the attention of the guys around us and some of them had even used us to speed up their own orgasms. I knew that was exactly the attention Brian loved to get.
After a few seconds, I felt his hand on my neck and his lips on mine, before he nodded and said, “Welcome home.”
Even though some things might have changed, I don’t think Brian Kinney will ever sink down to his knees in front of me in the backroom. To be honest, I don’t even want him too. Some things don’t have to change. He took my hand and pulled me out of the backroom and straight into his private VIP lounge. Actually… it’s a shame that no one will ever see how great he is in giving head.
That night was amazing and it was the totally right decision to go out and to stay out the entire night. We had a brunch invitation Ted and Blake at their house for Sunday. It was short notice, but it seemed to be very important to them. So we stayed at the loft that night, which was weird honestly. It was still a cool place, but it didn’t seem like us anymore. It felt strange. Of course I didn’t say anything. It was just one night, so what the fuck?
I didn’t sleep well… no idea why. My head was full with bullshit, things I shouldn’t think about, but it had been things I needed to talk about to Brian. I was really scared that in the end he would freak out about it and I would spend the entire week alone at the house while he tried to find his libido again or something.
“You know, thinking too much makes you old,” he sighed.
It was 7 AM, way to soon to get up. I looked at him, his eyes were still closed.
“I’ll try not to frown while thinking, I promise,” I answered.
“What is it?”
Yeah what, a lot of stuff, but in the end it was just… “You.”
“What about me?”
“A lot.”
“I’m still asleep, how can I keep you awake?”
“I feel like I’m living with loose cannon. You know, like now. While saying that I’m afraid that it will scare you and that you’re going to freak out and start to fuck around again. I know you don’t fuck around much lately, so don’t even try to deny it. It’s just so… I can’t just ask you if you’re happy and I’m always wondering if you really are or not. And then the next bullshit thing happens, like your mom, and you finally talk to me about your parents, but in the end I’m even more confused…”
I turned to him and now his eyes were open and he was looking at me, actually he was frowning.
“…because I don’t understand it. I know that you don’t want to be like your father and I know he was abusive and told you that he never wanted to have a family and blah blah… but…” I got up, so that was sitting straight up in bed while looking at him. “Honestly Brian, how can you blame this on yourself? How can you be responsible for your father's mistakes? I don’t get that. If he really never loved your mother, why did he marry her? And if he really didn’t want another kid after your sister – which actually is understandable, she’s horrible – why didn’t he use a condom or stop it before it happened?”
Now the frowning was accompanied by a raised eyebrow.
“And why did he stay? If he was so fucking unhappy, if he hated to be the guy he was, why didn’t he just leave? And how exactly can it be your fault that you were born and that he stuck with a wife he didn’t love and a family he never wanted? If you ask me, your father was a fucking coward! If he would’ve had any balls he would’ve left and started a new life someplace else. It happens all the time, everywhere! It’s neither noble nor pitiable what he did, it’s just pathetic! And because he was to coward to take the responsibility for his decisions, he blamed it all on you – and probably also on your sister and your mother!”
Now the frowning and the raised eyebrow were accompanied by blinking.
“Talking about your mother makes me even more angry! She was just as pathetic as he was! If she would’ve been a good mother, she would’ve packed up her stuff and her kids and would’ve left him. Praying 24/7” – I looked up and nodded, “God forgive me,” – I looked back at Brian, “doesn’t help anyone and it also doesn’t prevent anything from happening. Same goes for drinking. And even though she might have never hit you, she was even worse! What mother tells her son that he got cancer as a punishment? She makes me feel sorry for every bad attitude I ever gave my mom! And your sister is… completely fucked up. She’s just as pathetic as her parents were; she’s a brat, a bitch, coldhearted, and stupid. She’s stupid! And you know what’s the worst part?”
The blinking had stopped, but the rest was still there. Okay, I admit I was totally enraged. I hadn’t intented to talk/vent so much, but as soon as I started, it all came out and it felt good.
“You are! Because you still believe all the bullshit they told you! No matter how often you’ve been told that you’re not like your father, you still think you are! And the more you distance yourself from being the selfish loner who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else, the more you fight against it, as if being like your father was safer than accepting that you’re not like him and that you do love others, that you want to be in a relationship, that you love your son, and…” I swallowed and looked down. “…that what I want to have with you isn’t that bad.”
Then there was silence for a few seconds before he cleared his throat. “Wow, you definitely spent a lot more time thinking about my fucking family than I ever have.”
I looked back at him. “I just tried to figure you out. I just want to know if you’re happy and I want to make sure that we’re doing it right this time, but I’m afraid I lost my ability to read you.”
“Do I seem unhappy to you?” he asked me.
“You also seemed happy when you proposed to me and when I said yes and when we bought the suits and the rings, and in the end it turned out you weren’t happy.”
“Really?” He sighed and closed his eyes again when he stretched himself. “What the fuck is this ‘talking’ shit all about? It seems like it’s all we do anymore!”
“And still everything so fucking complicated.” I let myself slip down again and moved closer to him. “I’m really just trying to understand. Everytime I think I do… I don’t.”
He looked back at me and frowned. “How exactly did you figure out that I don’t fuck around much, lately?”
“I have my ways.”
He looked at this fingers that were playing with the pillow. “And you like it that way, don’t you?”
“I told you that I don’t expect you to be monogamous. I can deal with it.”
“Bull. Shit. You would be disappointed.”
I bit my lower lip. He was right and I was still busy with figuring out when this had happened. Sure, I always wanted us to be exclusive, but I never felt betrayed when he was with others. I knew for him it was just sex and that I had nothing to fear. “It never bothered me. I always knew that none of those guys meant anything to you, that there was no competition for me, so… what is this? What’s changed?”
He was still staring at his hand, probably at the ring on his finger. “We did.”
“And what are we doing now?”
He laughed and looked up at me. “Funny that you’re asking me.”
We were looking at each other for a while. At least he wasn’t freaking out or pushing me away… that was a good thing. With everything I had been saying, it could have ended worse. A lot worse.
“Do you miss it?” I asked him.
“No, I don’t miss it. I’m just wondering when I lost my hunting instinct.”
I started laughing. I had no idea why, but I couldn’t help it. We really were a weird couple. Even when he didn’t have any problems, we were able to create some because our relationship was so fucked up, so fucking complicated. I took his hand in mine, still laughing, and then I sighed.
“We’re going to fuck this up again, aren’t we?” he asked.
“More than likely.”
He nodded and entwined his fingers with mine. “Those so-called perfect relationships never work.”
“Some do.”
“Like the munchers?”
“Like Michael and Ben or Blake and Ted.”
He made a face and shook his head. “Seven and three years, that’s your reference?”
“How about eight years? And oh my good, do you know that we’re the longest-lasting couple of he gang?” I smiled at him and closed my eyes briefly. “I’m sorry for … this.”
He shrugged. “Everything you said was true.”
“Thanks. So, let’s make a deal okay? We stop being so fucking careful around each other because that’s really stressful. We just have to be honest with each other and with ourselves. If you’re not happy, tell me and if I’m not happy, I tell you. Then we’ll figure out if we find a way to fix it together or… not.”
“Okay.”
So far so good, especially since I had no idea what I expected to come of this. And as much as I loved to talk and as much as I needed him to talk to me from time to time, this new stage of life was just as new for him as it was for me. We would figure it out. We always had. “Wanna fuck me in the shower?”
He sighed. “I thought you’d never ask.”
Have I mentioned that I love fucking in the shower? I wish I could say that I felt better, relieved and less insecure, but I didn’t. It was one thing to deal with Brian-Fucking-Kinney, it was another thing to deal with Brian-loves-me-Kinney. But I would figure it out, sooner or later. It was just another challenge.
After we both came, he held me close with my back pressed against his chest, his arms around my shoulders, and the water falling down on us. I could feel his breath on my ear.
“And by the way,” he whispered. “I am happy.”
See, we would figure it out…
We had a small breakfast, and while he was dressing, I was standing in front of the windows wondering what had changed with the loft that it didn’t feel like home anymore. I had always wanted to live here from the first moment I stepped inside, and when I lived here it felt like home, but now…
“It doesn’t feel like home anymore, does it?”
I winced and looked at him. Did I say it loud? No, I didn’t. “What?”
“The loft. It doesn’t fit anymore.”
I knew how much he had always loved this place and so did I. And it was still special, but it felt strange to be here. I had no idea he felt the same. “It’s still a cool place.”
“Yeah, but it’s not my place anymore. I already thought so when I was here a few days ago.”
As stupid as it might sound, even though I didn’t feel at home here anymore, I didn’t want to give up on it. Does that make any sense? The loft would always be a special place to me and even thinking about not being here anymore – never again – was worse than feeling like a visitor. I walked over to Brian. “Maybe you should rent it out. I’m sure there are some people who would love to live here. And then you wouldn’t have to give it up completely. It’s still there.”
He looked at me for a while, before he nodded. “I guess I have to call your mom… again.”
I didn’t want to force him to do it, there was no reason for. “You don’t have to, Brian. It’s still your loft, if you…”
“I’ll call her.” He pulled me closer and kissed me and I couldn’t help it, I started smiling like an idiot. It made him laugh at me. “What?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “It’s just... this is so fucking cool.”
“What exactly?”
“This, everything, we… you and me… in the house… together. I never thought this would happen. I mean for real. It’s just cool.”
He nodded and frowned. “So I finally made you happy.”
I got up on my tiptoes and kissed his chin. “Give yourself more credit.” Then I took his hand. “Come on, let’s go and see what big news Ted and Blake have to share with us.”
“Ted impregnated Blake, what else?”
TBC
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on 2011-10-16 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-10-17 06:59 am (UTC)But this is B/J, they'll find a way.