In between, Part 1 (Cancer-Fic)
Apr. 17th, 2011 09:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soulmatejunkeeTitle: In Between, Part 1/20
Author:soulmatejunkee
Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: What happened between episode 4.09 and 4.10 (POV’s). It starts right after "Eat some fucking chicken soup"
Word Count: 400 words (drabbles)
Summary: I am writing on it since weeks, so I just thought, maybe I should start posting it
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It's all CowLip and Showtime.
A/N: Beta byqafkinnetik - thanks a lot. Every comment is welcome. Let me know what you think. Thanks!
Author:
soulmatejunkee Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: What happened between episode 4.09 and 4.10 (POV’s). It starts right after "Eat some fucking chicken soup"
Word Count: 400 words (drabbles)
Summary: I am writing on it since weeks, so I just thought, maybe I should start posting it
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It's all CowLip and Showtime.
A/N: Beta by
qafkinnetik - thanks a lot. Every comment is welcome. Let me know what you think. Thanks! Brian's POV
1)
If I wanted to leave you, I had better reasons, plenty of them.
What do you answer to someone who has every right to be pissed and angry about what you said and did? Of course he had reasons to leave me and if he hadn’t, I would give him some. Nothing’s easier than to disappoint someone who expects something from you. I ended up disappointed so often – until I stopped expecting anything and just took whatever I could get. Sometimes it was nothing, sometimes it was a lot, and with Justin it was more than I could handle.
2)
I thought we had a commitment and I plan to stand by it.
It’s one thing to admit to him that we are partners, it’s another thing to live (in) a partnership or relationship or whatever the fuck they want to call it. Especially when you've never done it before, when you've never had any responsibility for anything other or anyone else other than yourself. It’s so easy to make mistakes, to ignore signs and misunderstand what was said. And the worst thing is – most of time you know it better, you know your partner, but you still misunderstand him.
3)
Like when we had dinner two days before I left for surgery and Justin made fun with his fortune cookie and talked about my "perfect body“ and my "beautiful dick“ and all I heard was "That’s what I love the most about you“. He had no idea about the cancer, so of course he wasn’t teasing me, and I know that he never would’ve done anything like that. But it hurt and it made me insecure when he tried to touch me, my "beautiful dick“. All I could think about was the sick ball behind my dick and that he might feel it.
4)
The result of my behaviour was that he started to feel insecure because I rejected him and so he tried to work things out. I knew he was worried and yes, I felt guilty about it. But all I was able to tell him was "It’s not you“. So my misunderstanding of his words led into his misunderstanding of my rejection. That’s relationship, that’s responsibility, it’s a doom loop!
Well, there I was now, sick, weak, tired and not sure if my small breakfast would really survive it’s journey through my digestive tract, without saying "hello“ to me again.
TBC
1)
If I wanted to leave you, I had better reasons, plenty of them.
What do you answer to someone who has every right to be pissed and angry about what you said and did? Of course he had reasons to leave me and if he hadn’t, I would give him some. Nothing’s easier than to disappoint someone who expects something from you. I ended up disappointed so often – until I stopped expecting anything and just took whatever I could get. Sometimes it was nothing, sometimes it was a lot, and with Justin it was more than I could handle.
2)
I thought we had a commitment and I plan to stand by it.
It’s one thing to admit to him that we are partners, it’s another thing to live (in) a partnership or relationship or whatever the fuck they want to call it. Especially when you've never done it before, when you've never had any responsibility for anything other or anyone else other than yourself. It’s so easy to make mistakes, to ignore signs and misunderstand what was said. And the worst thing is – most of time you know it better, you know your partner, but you still misunderstand him.
3)
Like when we had dinner two days before I left for surgery and Justin made fun with his fortune cookie and talked about my "perfect body“ and my "beautiful dick“ and all I heard was "That’s what I love the most about you“. He had no idea about the cancer, so of course he wasn’t teasing me, and I know that he never would’ve done anything like that. But it hurt and it made me insecure when he tried to touch me, my "beautiful dick“. All I could think about was the sick ball behind my dick and that he might feel it.
4)
The result of my behaviour was that he started to feel insecure because I rejected him and so he tried to work things out. I knew he was worried and yes, I felt guilty about it. But all I was able to tell him was "It’s not you“. So my misunderstanding of his words led into his misunderstanding of my rejection. That’s relationship, that’s responsibility, it’s a doom loop!
Well, there I was now, sick, weak, tired and not sure if my small breakfast would really survive it’s journey through my digestive tract, without saying "hello“ to me again.
TBC