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soulmatejunkeeTitle: 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral, Part 8/? (You & Me-Series)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
soulmatejunkee
Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 4.326
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta: Anna - thanks so much!
It's so great to get so much feedback from so many people. So, THANK YOU!!
Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
Brian's POV
When I arrived at the house, he wasn’t there yet. I put the bags and Debbie’s food in the kitchen and waited for him at the stairs. It was almost two months ago since I had been here for the last time. It was after Thanksgiving. I just went here and sat down in the living room and did nothing. I liked being here from time to time, I liked this place, even though I couldn’t imagine living here full time – not as long as we had this long-distance-bullshit – but I also couldn’t sell it. It was the place where everything began – so to say.
When he arrived, he closed the door and leaned against it and we looked at each other for a few seconds. We never had been here together again since the proposal. There was still so much between us in the sorry state and we had still so much to work out, but for a few seconds that didn’t matter.
I stood up and he walked over to me and gave me one of those typical Justin smiles I could never resist. Thank god I never had to. I pulled him up on the stairs and kissed him. It was a breathtaking kiss, I loved those kisses.
We walked up the stairs without losing lip contact and when we reached the bedroom and I switched on the light I saw his backpack beside the bed. He must have been here one more time this afternoon – before he went to his mom.
I took his head between my hands and looked at him, he looked a little dizzy from the kissing. “I’m proud of you.”
I admit it came somehow out of nowhere and so he was very confused what I was talking about. He laughed. “What for?”
I shrugged. It looked so easy for Michael and Ben, why couldn’t it be so easy for me, too? It was the truth. It wasn’t an empty speech or something meaningless. It was important. “Everything.”
I tried to detect in his eyes if he understood what I meant. Because I had no idea how to find the right words for what I tried to say. I swallowed. “I want you to know that you don’t need to prove anything to me.”
Justin's POV
It really came out of nowhere, I had no idea what had happened that he now told me that he was proud of me, but I could tell that it was important for him to let me know, so I just nodded and leaned against him. It was really good to hear that, but my own pride had faded a lot since I came back from New York.
“My father bought my painting from the gallery”, I said. “You know, the one that paid so well.”
He stroked my back and I just enjoyed it while leaning against him.
“Why?”
Yeah, why? When I saw the painting this morning, I had planned to ask him. I was angry and I wanted to tell him that buying a fucking painting wasn’t enough to make me forgive him. But when I saw him in the evening, I didn't say anything. He looked weak and tired and broken and ashamed. “I didn’t ask him. I couldn’t. What if he would’ve started to apologize or something, I can’t take that.”
He held me close. “Did he say anything?”
“No.” He barely said anything. It was Molly who talked the most and Tucker who answered her the most. My Mom tried to make the dinner as perfect as possible and I tried to disappear while still being there. “I ignored him, he was very quiet. He seemed to know that he was just a guest. He barely talked and when he did, it was just … small talk. I tried to avoid being alone with him. It worked. But it sucks, fuck him! I was happy when Sidney told me that someone finally bought the painting and now…”
He put a finger under my chin to raise my head up. “And now you’re still happy about it, because it’s still sold and still paid and fuck… your father owes you a lot more than he paid for the painting.”
I frowned.
“What?” he asked. “It’s the truth. No agent or gallery owner cares about who paid for the painting, as long as someone paid for it. And with paying so much he might have really helped you, because it can upvalue your stuff.”
“So I should be thankful?” The last thing I wanted to do was to thank my father for finally doing something nice to me.
“You don’t have to show him, but yes, be thankful and don’t doubt it. Fuck the reason why he did it. You don’t owe him anything for that. Take the money. You can use it.”
I nodded. “Yeah, that... might be true, but I thought... I mean...”
“You were hoping that someone had bought your painting just because he liked it.”
“Yeah.”
“Someone will. Actually, someone did. What about the other painting?” He asked.
“Yeah, it’s true... it was a guy in Alabama, I don’t know him. I... this painting at the gallery was something special, I was proud of it. And now... he somehow...”
“Ruined it?”
How was that about finishing each other’s sentences, Mr. Kinney?
I leaned my head against his chest again and sighed. I couldn’t change anything anymore. My father had bought the painting and I had to deal with that. I pushed Brian back a little, so that I could take off my jacket. “I can’t give the money back anyway, I already spent it.”
“You already spent 2000 Dollars?”
“1650”, I corrected him. I sat down on the bet and pointed to the place beside me. “Sit down, we need to talk.”
I knew he didn’t like to talk, it scared him, it always did. But we still had to work things out if we wanted to make this relationship work. And since we both didn’t want to break up, we had to find a way to make it work. And so he sat down beside me and looked down.
I turned around to face him. The last thing I needed and wanted was him to be scared or to close up again. We needed to work this out together.
“Sooo…”, I started and waited until he looked at me.
“So?”
“We have to talk things out.”
He nodded and looked down again. “I know.”
I cleared my throat. “How much does this house cost you?”
“Not so much, it’s fully paid and since the work is done... it’s okay.”
“I want a number”, I said.
He shrugged. “1200 per month.”
Jesus! Well, what did I expect? It was a really big house, it had a pool and during the winter it had to be heated. Not to mention the cleaning. “That’s a lot.”
“For a big house like this, it’s not so much.” He looked at me again.
I closed my eyes briefly and shook my head. “I can’t afford that.”
“You don’t have to.”
“But you don’t want to live here and I won’t live here, at least not full time and...” I looked around. It was so beautiful.
“Well...”, he looked down as soon as I faced him again. “Maybe one day we will live here, who knows.”
He didn’t want to sell it, it was his safe place. He was so fucking adorable and he didn’t even know it. But maybe that didn’t matter, because I knew it.
“So we keep it?” I asked him. “And don’t tell me that I can sell it if I want to.”
He still looked down and nodded. “Yes, I think we should keep it.”
“Maybe I can contribute some money.”
He sighed and shook his head before he looked at me. “I can afford it. Why do you care so much about the fucking money? It’s not important.”
“Maybe not when you have it”; I agreed.
“And I do have it. What am I supposed to do with it? I could buy another nightclub, but actually I think that would be a little excessive. It’s just money.”
He was right. I didn’t have any problem to take the house as a gift when he bought it to convince me to marry him. But somehow it felt different now. Maybe I exaggerated a little. I nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I love the house and what you made of it. Especially the studio, it’s beautiful. I would love to live here one day. With you.”
He tried to smile, but I knew he was still too insecure to admit out loud that he wanted that too. At least not when he was looking at me.
“What about kids? We never talked about that.”
He shrugged. “We don’t have kids.”
Smartass! “But what if I want to have a kid one day? I haven’t planned anything so far and maybe I never will, but maybe I do. Maybe one day I want to be a father. What would you do?”
He frowned and looked down again. “What do you want me to say? Having kids is a really big responsibility, I’m not good with that, I never was, which is one of the reasons why I never wanted to have a family.”
“Or a partner, or a relationship, or a husband…?” I continued the list of things he never wanted to have when I first met him.
He laughed and shook his head before he faced me again. “It’s all your fault.”
“And I’m proud of it”, I answered and smiled at him. “Look, I really haven’t planned anything. It’s just a normal topic couples should talk about, that’s all. I just want to know if you... if you would support me, if I ever decided to have a kid. I just want to know if it would be our kid.”
He just looked at me for what felt like an eternity, before he looked away and closed his eyes. Have we already reached the irreconcilable issue?
“I can’t even take care of my son”, he said.
Now I had to laugh. “That’s bullshit. Just because he doesn’t live with you, doesn’t mean that you’re a bad father. Why do you think loving him, supporting him and listening to him isn’t enough? You’re not like your father. Tell me why you still think that.”
He swallowed and looked at me. He might not be good with words, but sometimes his eyes were like a mirror to his soul. “That’s what he always told me. That we aren’t so different. That... we’re both not the family type.”
“Well, I never met your father, but I think if he would’ve been like you... you wouldn’t hate him as much as you do.”
He nodded. “Michael also told me more than once that I sucked as a father and Melanie... would sign any paper that described me as the worst father on this planet. Actually, you are the only one who thinks I’m a good father.”
“No, I’m not the only one”, I disagreed. “And I’m also not the one that matters. Neither is your father or Michael or Melanie. It’s only Gus. You don’t have to prove it anyone else. And from what I can say, the kid loves you and doesn’t see you as a bad father.”
He didn’t really believe me. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. I guess it’s impossible to undo a childhood full of humiliation and violence.
“If I wouldn’t think that you’re a good father, I wouldn’t ask you that question.”
It was just a shy smile, a really small one, but it was there. And it was an answer. We didn’t have to figure everything out that night, having an own child was just a possibility for the future, not a concrete plan at the present. And if I really ever decided to become a father, we could still figure it out. We could... I knew it and so did he.
I sighed, stood up and got my backpack. I opened it and took out the printout from last night.
“Okay, let’s talk about the main problem. You living here and me living in New York. I have... made some plans.”
“Plans?”
“Yeah. Since you won’t admit that you want me around 24/7 because that would mean for me to live here and that would mean for me to move back here and that would mean for me to give up New York and that’s not what you want, we have to work out a compromise. So… I did it. Wanna hear it?”
He shrugged, nodded and frowned. “Can’t wait.”
“First of all I will buy and install a webcam on my laptop. So we can see each other while we have phone sex every night. Which is a good thing, because I love to see your face when you come. When we’re in a good mood we can make the cheesy stupid girly stuff and kiss each other goodbye on the laptop, but I won’t force you to do that.”
“Thank you.”
I nodded and clicked my tongue. I gave him one of the papers and cleared my throat.
“What’s that?” he asked.
„The solution”, I answered. “The lines that are marked pink are your flights and the green ones are mine. I’ve bought tickets online from now til the end of April. I used your credit card for your tickets and the money my dad paid for my painting for my tickets, which is kinda ironic when you think about it, but what the fuck! I used your bonus miles for your tickets, don’t worry.”
He was practically staring at the paper.
“We’re gonna see each other every weekend, alternating between here and New York. And of course we’ll also see each other when you’re on a business trip there. And... I want us to live here at the house on the Pittsburgh weekends.”
He was still staring at the paper. He made me fucking nervous. I had spent my entire money for that solution instead of using it for finally getting an agent. It wasn’t a hard decision. I knew my priorities, I knew what I wanted and what I needed and I couldn’t have one without the other. I couldn’t give up on him and time seemed to work against us. But now... I got some doubts. He didn’t say anything. What if he didn’t like the idea? I doubted that I could cancel the tickets.
“You don’t like the idea?” I asked.
He cleared his throat, folded the paper and put it down before he looked at me. Then he nodded, laughed, shook his head, pushed me down on the bed and kissed me. It was a very tender, but passionate kiss. His fingers were fondling my face and he nudged my nose with his.
“You do like the idea”, I assumed and smiled at him. It took a load off my mind. Sure, we had to see if my plans really worked out the way I wanted them to, but so far it was a plan, it was a change, maybe even a step forward.
He breathed into my mouth when he kissed me again and I knew the talking was over, at least for a while. There was no chance that we would interrupt this longing and desire for each other for another talk.
He pushed up my shirt and I pulled it over my head while he kissed my chest. “I meant it”, he breathed out between two kisses.
“What?” I asked breathless.
He kept kissing me. I could feel his lips on my nipples and then on my stomach. When he started to unbutton my pants he looked up to me. “That I’m proud of you. I am.”
He stood up and pulled off my shoes and my socks before he finally removed my jeans. I watched him undressing himself and just let my mind slip away. This was all so unreal, the house, him and me together in our bedroom, in our bed... a bed where no one else ever slept in.
I felt his hands on my legs, my calves, my knees, my thighs, my hips, my stomach, my chest, my neck, my face ... somewhere in between I had closed my eyes. Then I felt his lips on my cheeks, my neck, my chest, my stomach, before he took my cock into his mouth. I arched my hips towards his mouth and moaned. From that on I was totally lost.
I just let myself fall and didn’t do anything other than feel him. I remembered him saying “Turn around” and I knew I did. I also remembered being on my knees and feeling his lubed fingers inside me. And I remembered leaning back into his chest, his arms around me, his breath on my neck, my fingers in his hair and his hand around my cock.
I remembered falling back onto the bed, him half on top of me, breathing, moaning and I think I also remembered him pulling out of me. The next thing I knew was that he turned out the light and pulled the blanket over us. I could feel him behind me and closed my eyes.
When I woke up again I couldn’t feel him anymore and tried to touch him, but the bed was empty. I opened my eyes and moaned when the sunlight dazzled me. I sighed and fell on my back. I grabbed his pillow and pulled it over my face.
After a few seconds I realized that I had to pee and so I tried to open my eyes again. When I looked at the clock I sighed again, it was almost noon. I had slept for more than twelve hours. I sat up and stretched myself when I saw the ring box on my nightstand. It was open and there was only one ring left inside. Guess that was the answer to the question whether the rings were important to him.
I laughed silently when I took the ring out of the box and pulled it over my left ring finger. No words were necessary... and we would never speak about it again. That was his plan. I closed the box and put it into my backpack. I wasn’t sure If I should throw it away, I decided to decide that when I was back in New York, so far I kept it outside the range of vision.
I went to the bathroom to pee and just as with everything else, it was the first time I used the toilette. It was a stupid thought, after all it was just a toilette, but somehow it was... my toilette... our toilette. I put on my pants and my socks and walked down, but he was neither in the living room nor in the kitchen. But there was coffee in the thermos jug.
“Brian?”
I went upstairs again and then I saw that the last door on the floor was slightly open. I remembered considering it as an office. I knocked and pushed the door open. There he was, sitting behind his laptop, looking at me.
“Good morning, sleepy head.”
I made a face. “Why did I wake up alone?”
“I didn’t want to wake you, I thought you might need the sleep.”
I nodded. I did. I saw the ring on his finger and walked over to him, to get my good morning kiss.
“How’d you sleep?” he asked.
“Very good. What are you doing?”
“Just working out some stuff, nothing important.”
“I wanted to take a shower. Wanna join me?” While asking I realized that this was a premiere, too. It still just felt unreal. We’ve never lived anywhere else than the loft and the loft – as much as I loved it and as cool as it was – was never my home. It was his loft and I lived there.
The shower was a very comfortable place. It was bigger than the one at the loft. I felt like levitating the entire time. As if this had to be a dream and I had to wake up sooner or later, it was too good to be true.
Of course we fucked in the shower, it was the official ceremony for the shower. And still, shower sex was the best.
“Do you have anything planned for today?” I asked while I brushed my teeth.
He shook his head and pulled on a shirt.
I spit out the toothpaste and cleaned my brush. “What about Gus? Maybe he wants to come over?”
“Yeah... I thought about inviting him for the next weekend, if that’s okay for you.”
What a question. “He’s gonna love the house.”
“I also thought about removing the tennis court and building a small... soccer ground. For the summer. What do you think?”
What I thought was, that I had to slap him, because it wasn’t even twenty hours ago when he told me that he was such a bad father. And now he wanted to build a soccer field for his son. But I didn’t say anything about that, I just nodded. “He’s gonna love that, too.”
“Guess you’re gonna spend the day at the studio?”
I gave him a really bright smile. “Yes, that what I had in mind.” I sat down on the bed and watched him dress himself. “This is... incredible, I can’t believe that this is really happening.”
He laughed. “That’s definitely the strangest Christmas I’ve ever had.”
“I got more than I ever wished for”, I mumbled and looked at him. “Are you happy?”
I knew that was one of those questions whose answer made him vulnerable and insecure, so I was happy when he just nodded and even smiled at me.
“I’ve never felt like this before”, I said. I couldn’t even describe how exactly I felt, it was just overwhelming. “Thank you.”
He leaned down and kissed me and of course I grabbed him and pulled him onto the bed. What else was I supposed to do?
“Let’s do this honesty thing again, okay?” he asked and looked at me, while he was playing with my damp hair. “Do you want me to sell the loft?”
I stroked his back. “No, why would I.”
“Because you want to live here.”
“Only when I’m in town. Honestly I’m a little afraid that you would get depressed when you were to live here – alone.”
He laughed and nudged my cheek with his nose. “That’s absolutely possible.”
“You love your loft and well, so do I. And it’s closer to your office and to the club and … I still don’t want you to fuck anyone else here, so you might need the loft.”
He stopped laughing and looked at me, as if he wanted to deny what I just said. It was weird, I knew he wanted to say the opposite of what he then said: “You’re right.”
Was I really supposed to believe that he didn’t fuck anyone when I wasn’t in town? Fuck, that man was so confusing.
“I want to celebrate”, I said. “I want to dance, can we go to Babylon tonight?”
“That’s probably not such a good idea.”
“Why not? Is it closed over Christmas?”
“No, of course not. But... it’s a long drive from there to here and ... we can’t drink anything.”
“So?” I shrugged. “If we’re too drunk to drive we can sleep at the loft and then drive back tomorrow morning.” My way to prevent that he would start to think that I might not want to be at the loft anymore. I still loved that place and I always would.
He was still playing with my hair. “I have to go to the office tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I frowned. “Is that your way of telling me that you prefer to stay at the loft for the week?” I knew there had to be a letdown; it was just to good to be true.
“No, that’s my way of telling you that if we stay at the loft tonight, I’d prefer not to drive back to the house tomorrow morning, just to have breakfast here and then to drive back to the office, that would be very ... complicated.”
I laughed and closed my eyes, when he kissed me again.
“I would come back here after work.”
It was still too good to be true. “I’ll be here.” I entwined him with my legs and turned us around, so that I was sitting on top of him. “There’s something else I have to tell you.”
“Then tell me.”
“I have a new job.” I crawled down of him and searched for the letter I got from the company to give it to him. “You told me to try something else and so I applied for computer animation and they offered me this.”
He read the letter and nodded. “Wow, that’s a really good offer.”
“It is, isn’t it?”
“And it’s also a very good company. Zack Mitchell is a very professional guy, he’s young but also very ambitious.”
“Just like you?”
“So to say”, he nodded. “Except that he’s not gay. Which is a shame, because he’s fucking hot. You’ll see.”
“How do you know him?” I asked.
“We worked with MiZaCom for an advertising spot last year.”
Small world... “You think I should take the offer?”
“You don’t?”
I sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. I know that it’s a great opportunity and he was very nice when I talked to him and I always wanted to be a computer animator when I was a teenager and every nerve in my brain tells me to take the offer, but...”
“But?”
“Wouldn’t it just be another alternative to what I originally moved to New York for?”
TBC
Author:
soulmatejunkee Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 4.326
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta: Anna - thanks so much!
It's so great to get so much feedback from so many people. So, THANK YOU!!
Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
Brian's POV
When I arrived at the house, he wasn’t there yet. I put the bags and Debbie’s food in the kitchen and waited for him at the stairs. It was almost two months ago since I had been here for the last time. It was after Thanksgiving. I just went here and sat down in the living room and did nothing. I liked being here from time to time, I liked this place, even though I couldn’t imagine living here full time – not as long as we had this long-distance-bullshit – but I also couldn’t sell it. It was the place where everything began – so to say.
When he arrived, he closed the door and leaned against it and we looked at each other for a few seconds. We never had been here together again since the proposal. There was still so much between us in the sorry state and we had still so much to work out, but for a few seconds that didn’t matter.
I stood up and he walked over to me and gave me one of those typical Justin smiles I could never resist. Thank god I never had to. I pulled him up on the stairs and kissed him. It was a breathtaking kiss, I loved those kisses.
We walked up the stairs without losing lip contact and when we reached the bedroom and I switched on the light I saw his backpack beside the bed. He must have been here one more time this afternoon – before he went to his mom.
I took his head between my hands and looked at him, he looked a little dizzy from the kissing. “I’m proud of you.”
I admit it came somehow out of nowhere and so he was very confused what I was talking about. He laughed. “What for?”
I shrugged. It looked so easy for Michael and Ben, why couldn’t it be so easy for me, too? It was the truth. It wasn’t an empty speech or something meaningless. It was important. “Everything.”
I tried to detect in his eyes if he understood what I meant. Because I had no idea how to find the right words for what I tried to say. I swallowed. “I want you to know that you don’t need to prove anything to me.”
Justin's POV
It really came out of nowhere, I had no idea what had happened that he now told me that he was proud of me, but I could tell that it was important for him to let me know, so I just nodded and leaned against him. It was really good to hear that, but my own pride had faded a lot since I came back from New York.
“My father bought my painting from the gallery”, I said. “You know, the one that paid so well.”
He stroked my back and I just enjoyed it while leaning against him.
“Why?”
Yeah, why? When I saw the painting this morning, I had planned to ask him. I was angry and I wanted to tell him that buying a fucking painting wasn’t enough to make me forgive him. But when I saw him in the evening, I didn't say anything. He looked weak and tired and broken and ashamed. “I didn’t ask him. I couldn’t. What if he would’ve started to apologize or something, I can’t take that.”
He held me close. “Did he say anything?”
“No.” He barely said anything. It was Molly who talked the most and Tucker who answered her the most. My Mom tried to make the dinner as perfect as possible and I tried to disappear while still being there. “I ignored him, he was very quiet. He seemed to know that he was just a guest. He barely talked and when he did, it was just … small talk. I tried to avoid being alone with him. It worked. But it sucks, fuck him! I was happy when Sidney told me that someone finally bought the painting and now…”
He put a finger under my chin to raise my head up. “And now you’re still happy about it, because it’s still sold and still paid and fuck… your father owes you a lot more than he paid for the painting.”
I frowned.
“What?” he asked. “It’s the truth. No agent or gallery owner cares about who paid for the painting, as long as someone paid for it. And with paying so much he might have really helped you, because it can upvalue your stuff.”
“So I should be thankful?” The last thing I wanted to do was to thank my father for finally doing something nice to me.
“You don’t have to show him, but yes, be thankful and don’t doubt it. Fuck the reason why he did it. You don’t owe him anything for that. Take the money. You can use it.”
I nodded. “Yeah, that... might be true, but I thought... I mean...”
“You were hoping that someone had bought your painting just because he liked it.”
“Yeah.”
“Someone will. Actually, someone did. What about the other painting?” He asked.
“Yeah, it’s true... it was a guy in Alabama, I don’t know him. I... this painting at the gallery was something special, I was proud of it. And now... he somehow...”
“Ruined it?”
How was that about finishing each other’s sentences, Mr. Kinney?
I leaned my head against his chest again and sighed. I couldn’t change anything anymore. My father had bought the painting and I had to deal with that. I pushed Brian back a little, so that I could take off my jacket. “I can’t give the money back anyway, I already spent it.”
“You already spent 2000 Dollars?”
“1650”, I corrected him. I sat down on the bet and pointed to the place beside me. “Sit down, we need to talk.”
I knew he didn’t like to talk, it scared him, it always did. But we still had to work things out if we wanted to make this relationship work. And since we both didn’t want to break up, we had to find a way to make it work. And so he sat down beside me and looked down.
I turned around to face him. The last thing I needed and wanted was him to be scared or to close up again. We needed to work this out together.
“Sooo…”, I started and waited until he looked at me.
“So?”
“We have to talk things out.”
He nodded and looked down again. “I know.”
I cleared my throat. “How much does this house cost you?”
“Not so much, it’s fully paid and since the work is done... it’s okay.”
“I want a number”, I said.
He shrugged. “1200 per month.”
Jesus! Well, what did I expect? It was a really big house, it had a pool and during the winter it had to be heated. Not to mention the cleaning. “That’s a lot.”
“For a big house like this, it’s not so much.” He looked at me again.
I closed my eyes briefly and shook my head. “I can’t afford that.”
“You don’t have to.”
“But you don’t want to live here and I won’t live here, at least not full time and...” I looked around. It was so beautiful.
“Well...”, he looked down as soon as I faced him again. “Maybe one day we will live here, who knows.”
He didn’t want to sell it, it was his safe place. He was so fucking adorable and he didn’t even know it. But maybe that didn’t matter, because I knew it.
“So we keep it?” I asked him. “And don’t tell me that I can sell it if I want to.”
He still looked down and nodded. “Yes, I think we should keep it.”
“Maybe I can contribute some money.”
He sighed and shook his head before he looked at me. “I can afford it. Why do you care so much about the fucking money? It’s not important.”
“Maybe not when you have it”; I agreed.
“And I do have it. What am I supposed to do with it? I could buy another nightclub, but actually I think that would be a little excessive. It’s just money.”
He was right. I didn’t have any problem to take the house as a gift when he bought it to convince me to marry him. But somehow it felt different now. Maybe I exaggerated a little. I nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I love the house and what you made of it. Especially the studio, it’s beautiful. I would love to live here one day. With you.”
He tried to smile, but I knew he was still too insecure to admit out loud that he wanted that too. At least not when he was looking at me.
“What about kids? We never talked about that.”
He shrugged. “We don’t have kids.”
Smartass! “But what if I want to have a kid one day? I haven’t planned anything so far and maybe I never will, but maybe I do. Maybe one day I want to be a father. What would you do?”
He frowned and looked down again. “What do you want me to say? Having kids is a really big responsibility, I’m not good with that, I never was, which is one of the reasons why I never wanted to have a family.”
“Or a partner, or a relationship, or a husband…?” I continued the list of things he never wanted to have when I first met him.
He laughed and shook his head before he faced me again. “It’s all your fault.”
“And I’m proud of it”, I answered and smiled at him. “Look, I really haven’t planned anything. It’s just a normal topic couples should talk about, that’s all. I just want to know if you... if you would support me, if I ever decided to have a kid. I just want to know if it would be our kid.”
He just looked at me for what felt like an eternity, before he looked away and closed his eyes. Have we already reached the irreconcilable issue?
“I can’t even take care of my son”, he said.
Now I had to laugh. “That’s bullshit. Just because he doesn’t live with you, doesn’t mean that you’re a bad father. Why do you think loving him, supporting him and listening to him isn’t enough? You’re not like your father. Tell me why you still think that.”
He swallowed and looked at me. He might not be good with words, but sometimes his eyes were like a mirror to his soul. “That’s what he always told me. That we aren’t so different. That... we’re both not the family type.”
“Well, I never met your father, but I think if he would’ve been like you... you wouldn’t hate him as much as you do.”
He nodded. “Michael also told me more than once that I sucked as a father and Melanie... would sign any paper that described me as the worst father on this planet. Actually, you are the only one who thinks I’m a good father.”
“No, I’m not the only one”, I disagreed. “And I’m also not the one that matters. Neither is your father or Michael or Melanie. It’s only Gus. You don’t have to prove it anyone else. And from what I can say, the kid loves you and doesn’t see you as a bad father.”
He didn’t really believe me. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. I guess it’s impossible to undo a childhood full of humiliation and violence.
“If I wouldn’t think that you’re a good father, I wouldn’t ask you that question.”
It was just a shy smile, a really small one, but it was there. And it was an answer. We didn’t have to figure everything out that night, having an own child was just a possibility for the future, not a concrete plan at the present. And if I really ever decided to become a father, we could still figure it out. We could... I knew it and so did he.
I sighed, stood up and got my backpack. I opened it and took out the printout from last night.
“Okay, let’s talk about the main problem. You living here and me living in New York. I have... made some plans.”
“Plans?”
“Yeah. Since you won’t admit that you want me around 24/7 because that would mean for me to live here and that would mean for me to move back here and that would mean for me to give up New York and that’s not what you want, we have to work out a compromise. So… I did it. Wanna hear it?”
He shrugged, nodded and frowned. “Can’t wait.”
“First of all I will buy and install a webcam on my laptop. So we can see each other while we have phone sex every night. Which is a good thing, because I love to see your face when you come. When we’re in a good mood we can make the cheesy stupid girly stuff and kiss each other goodbye on the laptop, but I won’t force you to do that.”
“Thank you.”
I nodded and clicked my tongue. I gave him one of the papers and cleared my throat.
“What’s that?” he asked.
„The solution”, I answered. “The lines that are marked pink are your flights and the green ones are mine. I’ve bought tickets online from now til the end of April. I used your credit card for your tickets and the money my dad paid for my painting for my tickets, which is kinda ironic when you think about it, but what the fuck! I used your bonus miles for your tickets, don’t worry.”
He was practically staring at the paper.
“We’re gonna see each other every weekend, alternating between here and New York. And of course we’ll also see each other when you’re on a business trip there. And... I want us to live here at the house on the Pittsburgh weekends.”
He was still staring at the paper. He made me fucking nervous. I had spent my entire money for that solution instead of using it for finally getting an agent. It wasn’t a hard decision. I knew my priorities, I knew what I wanted and what I needed and I couldn’t have one without the other. I couldn’t give up on him and time seemed to work against us. But now... I got some doubts. He didn’t say anything. What if he didn’t like the idea? I doubted that I could cancel the tickets.
“You don’t like the idea?” I asked.
He cleared his throat, folded the paper and put it down before he looked at me. Then he nodded, laughed, shook his head, pushed me down on the bed and kissed me. It was a very tender, but passionate kiss. His fingers were fondling my face and he nudged my nose with his.
“You do like the idea”, I assumed and smiled at him. It took a load off my mind. Sure, we had to see if my plans really worked out the way I wanted them to, but so far it was a plan, it was a change, maybe even a step forward.
He breathed into my mouth when he kissed me again and I knew the talking was over, at least for a while. There was no chance that we would interrupt this longing and desire for each other for another talk.
He pushed up my shirt and I pulled it over my head while he kissed my chest. “I meant it”, he breathed out between two kisses.
“What?” I asked breathless.
He kept kissing me. I could feel his lips on my nipples and then on my stomach. When he started to unbutton my pants he looked up to me. “That I’m proud of you. I am.”
He stood up and pulled off my shoes and my socks before he finally removed my jeans. I watched him undressing himself and just let my mind slip away. This was all so unreal, the house, him and me together in our bedroom, in our bed... a bed where no one else ever slept in.
I felt his hands on my legs, my calves, my knees, my thighs, my hips, my stomach, my chest, my neck, my face ... somewhere in between I had closed my eyes. Then I felt his lips on my cheeks, my neck, my chest, my stomach, before he took my cock into his mouth. I arched my hips towards his mouth and moaned. From that on I was totally lost.
I just let myself fall and didn’t do anything other than feel him. I remembered him saying “Turn around” and I knew I did. I also remembered being on my knees and feeling his lubed fingers inside me. And I remembered leaning back into his chest, his arms around me, his breath on my neck, my fingers in his hair and his hand around my cock.
I remembered falling back onto the bed, him half on top of me, breathing, moaning and I think I also remembered him pulling out of me. The next thing I knew was that he turned out the light and pulled the blanket over us. I could feel him behind me and closed my eyes.
When I woke up again I couldn’t feel him anymore and tried to touch him, but the bed was empty. I opened my eyes and moaned when the sunlight dazzled me. I sighed and fell on my back. I grabbed his pillow and pulled it over my face.
After a few seconds I realized that I had to pee and so I tried to open my eyes again. When I looked at the clock I sighed again, it was almost noon. I had slept for more than twelve hours. I sat up and stretched myself when I saw the ring box on my nightstand. It was open and there was only one ring left inside. Guess that was the answer to the question whether the rings were important to him.
I laughed silently when I took the ring out of the box and pulled it over my left ring finger. No words were necessary... and we would never speak about it again. That was his plan. I closed the box and put it into my backpack. I wasn’t sure If I should throw it away, I decided to decide that when I was back in New York, so far I kept it outside the range of vision.
I went to the bathroom to pee and just as with everything else, it was the first time I used the toilette. It was a stupid thought, after all it was just a toilette, but somehow it was... my toilette... our toilette. I put on my pants and my socks and walked down, but he was neither in the living room nor in the kitchen. But there was coffee in the thermos jug.
“Brian?”
I went upstairs again and then I saw that the last door on the floor was slightly open. I remembered considering it as an office. I knocked and pushed the door open. There he was, sitting behind his laptop, looking at me.
“Good morning, sleepy head.”
I made a face. “Why did I wake up alone?”
“I didn’t want to wake you, I thought you might need the sleep.”
I nodded. I did. I saw the ring on his finger and walked over to him, to get my good morning kiss.
“How’d you sleep?” he asked.
“Very good. What are you doing?”
“Just working out some stuff, nothing important.”
“I wanted to take a shower. Wanna join me?” While asking I realized that this was a premiere, too. It still just felt unreal. We’ve never lived anywhere else than the loft and the loft – as much as I loved it and as cool as it was – was never my home. It was his loft and I lived there.
The shower was a very comfortable place. It was bigger than the one at the loft. I felt like levitating the entire time. As if this had to be a dream and I had to wake up sooner or later, it was too good to be true.
Of course we fucked in the shower, it was the official ceremony for the shower. And still, shower sex was the best.
“Do you have anything planned for today?” I asked while I brushed my teeth.
He shook his head and pulled on a shirt.
I spit out the toothpaste and cleaned my brush. “What about Gus? Maybe he wants to come over?”
“Yeah... I thought about inviting him for the next weekend, if that’s okay for you.”
What a question. “He’s gonna love the house.”
“I also thought about removing the tennis court and building a small... soccer ground. For the summer. What do you think?”
What I thought was, that I had to slap him, because it wasn’t even twenty hours ago when he told me that he was such a bad father. And now he wanted to build a soccer field for his son. But I didn’t say anything about that, I just nodded. “He’s gonna love that, too.”
“Guess you’re gonna spend the day at the studio?”
I gave him a really bright smile. “Yes, that what I had in mind.” I sat down on the bed and watched him dress himself. “This is... incredible, I can’t believe that this is really happening.”
He laughed. “That’s definitely the strangest Christmas I’ve ever had.”
“I got more than I ever wished for”, I mumbled and looked at him. “Are you happy?”
I knew that was one of those questions whose answer made him vulnerable and insecure, so I was happy when he just nodded and even smiled at me.
“I’ve never felt like this before”, I said. I couldn’t even describe how exactly I felt, it was just overwhelming. “Thank you.”
He leaned down and kissed me and of course I grabbed him and pulled him onto the bed. What else was I supposed to do?
“Let’s do this honesty thing again, okay?” he asked and looked at me, while he was playing with my damp hair. “Do you want me to sell the loft?”
I stroked his back. “No, why would I.”
“Because you want to live here.”
“Only when I’m in town. Honestly I’m a little afraid that you would get depressed when you were to live here – alone.”
He laughed and nudged my cheek with his nose. “That’s absolutely possible.”
“You love your loft and well, so do I. And it’s closer to your office and to the club and … I still don’t want you to fuck anyone else here, so you might need the loft.”
He stopped laughing and looked at me, as if he wanted to deny what I just said. It was weird, I knew he wanted to say the opposite of what he then said: “You’re right.”
Was I really supposed to believe that he didn’t fuck anyone when I wasn’t in town? Fuck, that man was so confusing.
“I want to celebrate”, I said. “I want to dance, can we go to Babylon tonight?”
“That’s probably not such a good idea.”
“Why not? Is it closed over Christmas?”
“No, of course not. But... it’s a long drive from there to here and ... we can’t drink anything.”
“So?” I shrugged. “If we’re too drunk to drive we can sleep at the loft and then drive back tomorrow morning.” My way to prevent that he would start to think that I might not want to be at the loft anymore. I still loved that place and I always would.
He was still playing with my hair. “I have to go to the office tomorrow.”
“Okay.” I frowned. “Is that your way of telling me that you prefer to stay at the loft for the week?” I knew there had to be a letdown; it was just to good to be true.
“No, that’s my way of telling you that if we stay at the loft tonight, I’d prefer not to drive back to the house tomorrow morning, just to have breakfast here and then to drive back to the office, that would be very ... complicated.”
I laughed and closed my eyes, when he kissed me again.
“I would come back here after work.”
It was still too good to be true. “I’ll be here.” I entwined him with my legs and turned us around, so that I was sitting on top of him. “There’s something else I have to tell you.”
“Then tell me.”
“I have a new job.” I crawled down of him and searched for the letter I got from the company to give it to him. “You told me to try something else and so I applied for computer animation and they offered me this.”
He read the letter and nodded. “Wow, that’s a really good offer.”
“It is, isn’t it?”
“And it’s also a very good company. Zack Mitchell is a very professional guy, he’s young but also very ambitious.”
“Just like you?”
“So to say”, he nodded. “Except that he’s not gay. Which is a shame, because he’s fucking hot. You’ll see.”
“How do you know him?” I asked.
“We worked with MiZaCom for an advertising spot last year.”
Small world... “You think I should take the offer?”
“You don’t?”
I sighed and shrugged. “I don’t know. I know that it’s a great opportunity and he was very nice when I talked to him and I always wanted to be a computer animator when I was a teenager and every nerve in my brain tells me to take the offer, but...”
“But?”
“Wouldn’t it just be another alternative to what I originally moved to New York for?”
TBC
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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on 2011-02-08 07:24 am (UTC)cheers!!!
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on 2011-02-08 09:06 am (UTC)After all the angst...
Thanks for reading, glad you liked it.
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on 2011-02-08 08:23 am (UTC)I was thrilled to see the new chap after I waked up today and I was much more thrilled and quite a bit surprised after reading it. Prepared for one more BJ and their communication problems, ending with one of them leaving or worse...but no, they did it, and in a good way, from the beginning to the end - and the icon doesn´t fit here because even the last line is NOT killing me. I really don´t have time now so sorry, I couldn´t prepare properly and just wanted to get this out of my system.
Will be back in the evening.
But honestly: I LOVED THIS CHAP! Not schmoozy or OOC, just realistic, BJ and good!
Pet
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on 2011-02-08 09:17 am (UTC)GRMPF!
So... now I'm evil :P
Do I get more this evening? :)
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on 2011-02-08 08:38 am (UTC)Great Update!
Later Darling ~ Kathleen ♥♥♥
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on 2011-02-08 09:18 am (UTC)Glad you like it.
Hope you had a nice birthday.
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on 2011-02-08 09:38 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-08 10:31 am (UTC)Where are the "I love Soulmate" icons?! GRMPF *LOL*
Thanks for reading ... happy you liked it.
(no subject)
Posted by(no subject)
Posted byno subject
on 2011-02-08 10:05 am (UTC)I freakin loved this chapter & I'm so happy that Justin finally made a "plan" for them both, he just had to take the bull by the horns lol, I'm so happy he finally made Brian happy!
I love the house, & I love how they just popped their wedding rings on, I had tingles all over.
Wonderful update babe, the ending was a little confusing, & what did all that mean about Brian not fucking other guys at the loft:)
LOVED this, I got called away before I sent this, I bet I'm not the 1st one now:D
later jx
PS The webcam was a great idea, makes the mind boggle:)
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on 2011-02-08 10:30 am (UTC)Thank you for reading and I'm glad you liked it.
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on 2011-02-08 10:33 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-08 10:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Posted byno subject
on 2011-02-08 12:31 pm (UTC)HUGS Linda
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on 2011-02-08 01:30 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-08 01:01 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-08 01:30 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-08 02:11 pm (UTC)This was terrific sweetie. Put a Sunshine smile on my face ♥
Ok, you know that I love angst, but I really needed today to read something like this.
Loved they were able to talk and being honest.
No more hiding, no more lies... A new beginning.
Justin's plan it's perfect, and it seems that Brian liked the idea.
They will make it work, I'm sure.
The rings have finally found their place \o/
It's funny and sweet to see how Justin is excited about all those 'first times'. And I love how he's able to read Brian's mind.
They both needed to spend the night talking, fucking; just the two of them, away from the family, away from the rest of the world.
Thanks as always for this amazing story ♥ Hugs
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on 2011-02-08 02:37 pm (UTC)That is soooo cute!!
And happy to read that you like the chapter.
I do love angst too, but sometimes in between there has to be a solution to the angst *gg*
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on 2011-02-08 02:48 pm (UTC)it is an amazing chapter,Steffi.you're a true master of BJ dialogs and inner dialogs.your Brian and Justin sound so natural,so real,so...them.I know how much work you put into it to make it look so honest,and I thank you so much for that.
I have to say there were a few points during that chapter when I thought,omg,guys,will you stop over thinking everything? but than I figured out that that's what being in a relationship means for them.to feel safe enough to be asking questions,and share your doubts and fears with your partner.
I love how Justin feels about the house,it reminds me of what we talked about on the QaF board a while ago ;)
and I love the way they used the rings,of course *sighs*
oh,well,can't wait to see what comes next (but I won't call you evil,my dear...)
warm hugs
your devoted fan
V.
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on 2011-02-08 07:52 pm (UTC)Happy you liked it.
Well, I can't remember that we talked about the house on FF, but there were sooo many talks *gg*
(no subject)
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on 2011-02-08 03:40 pm (UTC)I'm glad Justin is starting to think about his original reasons for being in NY. Graphic arts job? Hmmmm.... For that matter he could work for Kinnitik. :-) Just a thought.
I'm so in love with the love in this story!
Gina
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on 2011-02-08 08:28 pm (UTC)That's a nice responding :)
Well being a computer animator was what Justin wanted to become in the pilot, so it's not coming out of nowhere.
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on 2011-02-08 05:26 pm (UTC)I love this thought of Brian's!
I especially love how Justin has "the plan" all written out. That's really the only way to do it with Brian; simple, straightforward, follow-the-steps; plus we all know he loves TakeCharge!Justin!
Brian's wearing the ring! Brian's wearing the ring! I'm so happy!!
Hugs, ♥ Cindy
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on 2011-02-08 07:53 pm (UTC)Glad you liked it :)
Thanks for reading and for your comment.
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on 2011-02-08 05:38 pm (UTC)Susan
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on 2011-02-08 07:55 pm (UTC)Thank you.
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on 2011-02-08 05:58 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-08 07:57 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading, I'm happy you liked it.
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on 2011-02-08 06:29 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-08 08:02 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading. I'm happy you liked it.
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on 2011-02-08 07:36 pm (UTC)You know, I do love you for gift us this chapter, Christ, I hated you since yesterday but...today, I'm not.
I had no idea what was going to happen but the Justin's solutions and the way Brian reacted let me so relieved. It's like...everything made sense now, you know??
Thank you.
PD: I promise lovely loveSoulmate icons for the next chapter, can I made it...right? RIGHT?????? Remember, now you are a good person, you are not EvilSoulmate anymoore!!!!
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on 2011-02-08 08:11 pm (UTC)Mh... now you owe me a "Lovely!Soulmate" icon, because you loved this chapter and you don't hate me anymore :)
Wo, wo,wo...
Posted byRe: Wo, wo,wo...
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on 2011-02-08 08:12 pm (UTC)craig is trying to make ammends and justin doesn't want anything to do with him. who's he trying to convince?
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on 2011-02-08 08:22 pm (UTC)In the end that changed, but IMO Brian was very insecure when Justin left (and before, too) and I don't think that this will disappear.
It's also not that he doesn't say (or show) what he wants :)
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on 2011-02-08 08:37 pm (UTC)Dee Dee
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on 2011-02-08 08:45 pm (UTC)Glad you liked the solution :)
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on 2011-02-08 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-09 07:22 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-09 12:23 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-09 07:24 am (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it so much :)
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on 2011-02-09 02:24 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-09 07:23 am (UTC)Thanks a lot.
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on 2011-02-09 11:37 am (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-09 12:32 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-09 03:31 pm (UTC)And I am curious to know more about the job proposal ... maybe this time Brian could give him an advice ...
But I have one question: what happens after April?
;D
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on 2011-02-09 03:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Posted by(no subject)
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on 2011-02-10 09:17 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2011-02-10 09:28 pm (UTC)It always depends on my mood, you know?
I wanted to have something new, something different, so I tried some stuff and here we go *lol*
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on 2011-02-11 01:29 am (UTC)They talked! They talked!
I'm so glad they straightened some important things out.