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soulmatejunkeeTitle: 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral, Part 6/? (You & Me-Series)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
soulmatejunkee
Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 2.488
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta:adoringaudience - thanks so much!
Okay, now let me thank to you, to ALL of you, for your wonderful, adorable comments, which I do sooo love and appreciate! It's so great to get so much feedback from so many people. So, THANK YOU!!
Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5
Justin's POV
Like I expected, I couldn’t sleep. Brian fell asleep half on top of me and after two hours he turned around and snored silently into his pillow while I was staring at the ceiling and tried to sort out my feelings and thoughts.
After a while I got up and stood in front of the bed, watching him and wondering how we got here. It was always complicated with us, but it was never this complicated. Somehow we always knew who we were, but now we didn’t anymore.
I opened the drawer and took the box with the rings before I went to the couch.
All I had planed was a funny happy week in Pittsburgh and now everything was just wrong. I saw my laptop standing on the table and closed my eyes briefly. There must be a way; I just hadn’t found it so far. But it was out there, it had to be.
I opened the box and took out my ring and pulled it over my left ring finger. It wasn’t the first time I tried it, of course we did that when we bought them. But it was different now. Back then I was living in my fairytale dream, I finally had everything I ever wanted, just to realize a few days later that it wasn’t everything and that I didn’t want it that way. Somehow I always thought that Brian felt the same way. Now it turned out he didn’t.
I thought about the possibilities, just as Daphne told me to do.
First possibility: Breaking up! Never coming back, never looking back, never calling, never opening the door when he’s there, never touching him, never kissing him, no phone sex anymore… no Brian anymore. I shook my head. Breaking up wasn’t a possibility. I didn’t want to break up, I never did. I always wanted to be with him, that hadn’t changed. Even though I’m sure there was barely one person out there who believed in us.
Second possibility: Moving back! Never living in New York, not living in my own place, never being alone, and giving up my independence… I didn’t want to give that up, not now. One day I would, I knew that. One day I would move back to Pittsburgh and I would live here. Right now I saw Brian in that future vision; I wanted him to be a part of my life, no matter where I lived. So I had to find a compromise where I could have Brian and New York – without him expecting me to never come home again.
Third possibility: Getting married! I looked at my hand… I still couldn’t believe that this was really a possibility. Not that I had any problems with marrying him, I just couldn’t believe that he really wanted that.
And then there it was: My solution to everything. It wasn’t so hard, it was easy. I grabbed my laptop and opened it. Things had to change and this time it was my turn to change something…
When the sun slowly began to rise I was done with my plan – I had a plan. I printed what I had planned and got up, showered and made some coffee and toast. Then I went to the bedroom to wake him up. He really was grumpy in the morning. But I wasn’t in the mood for any kind of childish games. We had enough of that.
“Get up“, I said. “We need to talk.”
The prospect of a talk was not really the best way to bring Brian back to life. But there was no other way, not yet. We had to talk and my plan implied to not fall into a fight again.
“Go take a shower”, I said with a strong voice. “Coffee and toast is up. I’m waiting.”
“Not hungry”, he mumbled and turned around.
“You never are.” I stood up. “Come on. We need to talk. You can’t avoid it.”
I knew he was stalling for time when he needed more than thirty minutes for showering and shaving. When he finally showed up in the kitchen and sat down on one of the stools, he just looked at me. He was still as beautiful as he was the night I first met him.
I passed him the coffee cup. “It already has sugar in it.”
He took it and cleared his throat. “Thanks.”
“I wanted to apologize that I didn’t call you, but then I found this.” I showed him his smashed cell phone. “When did that happen?”
“At 1.10 AM”, he answered and nipped at his coffee. “I tried to reach you for five hours and I got… angry and a new cell phone is less expensive than any piece of furniture.”
I nodded. I had to tell him what had happened but before I came up with the next problem I wanted to fix. “I went to the house yesterday.”
“Hm“, he sighed and put the cup down. “And now you’re touched, because you had never expected that.”
Well, he got his sarcasm back, that wasn’t a bad sign. But I had promised myself that I wouldn’t jump on it again. “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“What for?” he shrugged.
“Brian.”
Now he looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “Do you like it?”
“It’s beautiful.” But that wasn’t the point, was it? He couldn’t be worrying that I wouldn’t like it. Everybody would like it.
He nodded. “It’ll help selling it.”
“I already told you that I won’t sell it.”
“Well, I’m not moving in there.”
Now we were headed in the right direction. He went straight into defensive mode, I could deal with that, I was used to it. “Then why did you furnish it?”
“Because it’ll help selling it.”
“Then why didn’t you sell it?”
“I told you I can’t, it’s not mine.”
“Bullshit! You bought it, we never went to a lawyer to sign it over to me, there’s no deed of donation. You might have bought it for me, but it’s not mine. And you’re not an idiot, you know that. So you furnished it to sell it, but then didn’t sell it. And I want to know why.”
Didn’t work out very well, did it? He totally closed up. He looked down. I sighed, moved closer to him and took his hand. He let me, but still didn’t look at me. That wasn’t good. I needed eye contact. “Brian, look at me. Please.”
He did and as always I could see the fear in his eyes. “Why did you furnish it? And why didn’t you sell it?”
He didn’t look away, but he also didn’t answer me, he just shrugged.
I moved two steps closer to him. I stood between his legs. I was really focused on not losing eye contact. “Tell me what you want.”
He shrugged again. “You can do anything you want, you are young, and you should be free to do what you want.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to know what you want for me. This is not about me. Tell me what you want.”
He didn’t know what to say, I could see it, he was struggling with himself. He was scared. Sometimes I wished he would be a little more selfish about what he really wanted– when it was really about him and not about his job or some material things.
“I don’t want you to sacrifice New York for me.”
“Do you want me to sacrifice you for New York?”
He shook his had and closed his eyes. We lost eye contact. “Justin...“
„Fuck you!“ I yelled at him and he looked back into my eyes. I was still holding his hand; I was still standing between his legs. „It’s enough! Tell me what you want!“
He tried to avoid me. I took his face between my hands to make sure that he kept looking at me. „Just tell me what you want! What you really want!“
“You!”
And that was it, just one single word and it was a complete and wonderful and touching profession of love. I had no idea what I expected him to say but this simple answer really hit me. But there was still the fear in his eyes.
I couldn’t help it, I smiled. “But you have me. I’m here.”
“Are you?” He sighed, closed his eyes again and pushed me away to stand up. He walked through the loft, massaging his temples. “Fuck.”
“Brian…”
“No!” He raised his hand to stop me. “I can’t. And I also don’t want to do this anymore.”
I swallowed. By finding a solution for the problem I have never thought about the possibility that he might want to break up. What if he really wanted to? What would I do then?
He looked at me again and bit his lower lip. “You wanted to hear that I love you, so I told you that I love you, but you didn’t come back.” He shrugged. “You wanted a commitment, a husband, so I proposed to you, but you said no.” He shrugged again. “You wanted a manor with stables and a pool, so I bought you one, but you never moved in. It’s been furnished for six months by the way.” He shrugged. “You wanted a monogamous relationship, no fucking around, no tricking, and no clubbing, so I tried to be exactly who you wanted me to be, but then you practically told me to fuck around.” And he shrugged again. “I don’t know what to do! Practically everything seems to be wrong!”
That was probably the longest speech he had ever given me and probably also the most honest. I was really impressed and confused. When exactly had I become I the complicated one in our relationship?
“Why didn’t you sell the house?” I asked him again.
He closed his eyes briefly and sighed. “You said yes and you came back and…”
Fuck, Daphne was right; it was a safe place for him.
He shook his head and went back to the chair at the kitchen counter. “I didn’t see New York coming.”
I nodded. “Neither did I.”
I moved closer to him until I was standing between his legs again and kissed him softly. I was relieved when he answered the kiss. I leaned my forehead against his and I couldn’t help it, I started laughing. “We’re so fucking complicated.”
“It’s a challenge.”
I kissed him again, put my arms around his neck and hugged him. I pressed my whole body against his, he held me close. I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I kissed his neck and inhaled his smell. Well, it was shampoo and shower gel, but it was him, it was home, it was my safe place. It was where I wanted to be.
“So what was that crap about us doing a mistake by cancelling the wedding?” I kept one arm around his shoulder and looked into his eyes. “Do you really want to marry me?”
He smacked his tongue and raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I just got a little frustrated with all those happy couples around me.”
Fuck, Daphne was really right.
“I don’t know if I really want to get married with a minister and hundreds of so called friends, just to make sure that everybody knows that we’re wearing rings. That turns me really off, it’s so…“
“Ordinary?” I asked.
“It’s not me.”
I nodded. “That’s true, you’re definitely not ordinary.”
He shrugged. “But if it’s what you want, I…“
“This is still not about what I want”, I reminded him. “And no, I don’t need a minister and hundreds of so called friends to tell you that I love you and that I want to be with you. I meant it; we don’t need rings or vows. At least I don‘t … I never expected you to. I always thought you just proposed to me, because you thought it’s what I wanted.”
„I did. I wanted you to come back and if I had to marry you to make sure that you would come back and stay… I would’ve done it.” His voice broke a little while he said it. That always happened when he was really scared, really vulnerable. “I wanted you to be happy. Perfectly happy.”
I just looked at him. I remembered the night after we broke up the last time, when he came to Michael’s house and yelled at him and Michael told him that I was never perfectly happy. And even though that was bullshit, I didn’t interrupt them back then, because it wouldn’t have changed anything.
“It’s not true that I was never perfectly happy”, I shook my head. “Sometimes I was. Every time when it was just you and me and all about us, then I felt… loved and safe and I knew where I belonged.”
“But you left.”
“I couldn’t feel it anymore.”
He nodded and looked down. “And you thought a husband and a home would change that?”
I put my hand on his cheek to make him look at me again. It was important that he saw that I really meant what I said. “I was wrong. A wedding, a ring, a house, I don’t need any of it. Even though I won’t sell it, because it’s fucking beautiful. Those are all material things. It’s a fantasy, just like the red roses and the picnics on the floor, it’s nothing real. All I wanted was safety.”
He simply didn’t know how to give me that safety. He was never good with words, it were always his actions that spoke for him. So of course, when I left, he wasn’t able to do anything to stop me and I guess when I didn’t give in after he told me, that he loved me, I confused him even more. What was he supposed to do other than giving me what I told him I wanted to have?
And now he was the one who needed safety. Somehow we seemed to have switched roles, which was really abnormal and confusing.
“So, what do you want? What do you want to happen?” I asked him. “Just tell me the truth.”
The lips, again… I wished I could’ve made it easier for him, but I needed him to be honest. Otherwise we would end up fighting because of misunderstandings again and I hated it when we were fighting, especially when it escalated like last night or when I came here the last time.
He closed his eyes and shook his head.
Okay, I could try to help him. “Do you want me to move back here?” I asked.
His eyes were still closed and he shook his head again.
I swallowed. “Do you… want to break up?”
TBC
Author:
soulmatejunkee Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 2.488
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta:
adoringaudience - thanks so much!Okay, now let me thank to you, to ALL of you, for your wonderful, adorable comments, which I do sooo love and appreciate! It's so great to get so much feedback from so many people. So, THANK YOU!!
Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5
Justin's POV
Like I expected, I couldn’t sleep. Brian fell asleep half on top of me and after two hours he turned around and snored silently into his pillow while I was staring at the ceiling and tried to sort out my feelings and thoughts.
After a while I got up and stood in front of the bed, watching him and wondering how we got here. It was always complicated with us, but it was never this complicated. Somehow we always knew who we were, but now we didn’t anymore.
I opened the drawer and took the box with the rings before I went to the couch.
All I had planed was a funny happy week in Pittsburgh and now everything was just wrong. I saw my laptop standing on the table and closed my eyes briefly. There must be a way; I just hadn’t found it so far. But it was out there, it had to be.
I opened the box and took out my ring and pulled it over my left ring finger. It wasn’t the first time I tried it, of course we did that when we bought them. But it was different now. Back then I was living in my fairytale dream, I finally had everything I ever wanted, just to realize a few days later that it wasn’t everything and that I didn’t want it that way. Somehow I always thought that Brian felt the same way. Now it turned out he didn’t.
I thought about the possibilities, just as Daphne told me to do.
First possibility: Breaking up! Never coming back, never looking back, never calling, never opening the door when he’s there, never touching him, never kissing him, no phone sex anymore… no Brian anymore. I shook my head. Breaking up wasn’t a possibility. I didn’t want to break up, I never did. I always wanted to be with him, that hadn’t changed. Even though I’m sure there was barely one person out there who believed in us.
Second possibility: Moving back! Never living in New York, not living in my own place, never being alone, and giving up my independence… I didn’t want to give that up, not now. One day I would, I knew that. One day I would move back to Pittsburgh and I would live here. Right now I saw Brian in that future vision; I wanted him to be a part of my life, no matter where I lived. So I had to find a compromise where I could have Brian and New York – without him expecting me to never come home again.
Third possibility: Getting married! I looked at my hand… I still couldn’t believe that this was really a possibility. Not that I had any problems with marrying him, I just couldn’t believe that he really wanted that.
And then there it was: My solution to everything. It wasn’t so hard, it was easy. I grabbed my laptop and opened it. Things had to change and this time it was my turn to change something…
When the sun slowly began to rise I was done with my plan – I had a plan. I printed what I had planned and got up, showered and made some coffee and toast. Then I went to the bedroom to wake him up. He really was grumpy in the morning. But I wasn’t in the mood for any kind of childish games. We had enough of that.
“Get up“, I said. “We need to talk.”
The prospect of a talk was not really the best way to bring Brian back to life. But there was no other way, not yet. We had to talk and my plan implied to not fall into a fight again.
“Go take a shower”, I said with a strong voice. “Coffee and toast is up. I’m waiting.”
“Not hungry”, he mumbled and turned around.
“You never are.” I stood up. “Come on. We need to talk. You can’t avoid it.”
I knew he was stalling for time when he needed more than thirty minutes for showering and shaving. When he finally showed up in the kitchen and sat down on one of the stools, he just looked at me. He was still as beautiful as he was the night I first met him.
I passed him the coffee cup. “It already has sugar in it.”
He took it and cleared his throat. “Thanks.”
“I wanted to apologize that I didn’t call you, but then I found this.” I showed him his smashed cell phone. “When did that happen?”
“At 1.10 AM”, he answered and nipped at his coffee. “I tried to reach you for five hours and I got… angry and a new cell phone is less expensive than any piece of furniture.”
I nodded. I had to tell him what had happened but before I came up with the next problem I wanted to fix. “I went to the house yesterday.”
“Hm“, he sighed and put the cup down. “And now you’re touched, because you had never expected that.”
Well, he got his sarcasm back, that wasn’t a bad sign. But I had promised myself that I wouldn’t jump on it again. “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“What for?” he shrugged.
“Brian.”
Now he looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “Do you like it?”
“It’s beautiful.” But that wasn’t the point, was it? He couldn’t be worrying that I wouldn’t like it. Everybody would like it.
He nodded. “It’ll help selling it.”
“I already told you that I won’t sell it.”
“Well, I’m not moving in there.”
Now we were headed in the right direction. He went straight into defensive mode, I could deal with that, I was used to it. “Then why did you furnish it?”
“Because it’ll help selling it.”
“Then why didn’t you sell it?”
“I told you I can’t, it’s not mine.”
“Bullshit! You bought it, we never went to a lawyer to sign it over to me, there’s no deed of donation. You might have bought it for me, but it’s not mine. And you’re not an idiot, you know that. So you furnished it to sell it, but then didn’t sell it. And I want to know why.”
Didn’t work out very well, did it? He totally closed up. He looked down. I sighed, moved closer to him and took his hand. He let me, but still didn’t look at me. That wasn’t good. I needed eye contact. “Brian, look at me. Please.”
He did and as always I could see the fear in his eyes. “Why did you furnish it? And why didn’t you sell it?”
He didn’t look away, but he also didn’t answer me, he just shrugged.
I moved two steps closer to him. I stood between his legs. I was really focused on not losing eye contact. “Tell me what you want.”
He shrugged again. “You can do anything you want, you are young, and you should be free to do what you want.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to know what you want for me. This is not about me. Tell me what you want.”
He didn’t know what to say, I could see it, he was struggling with himself. He was scared. Sometimes I wished he would be a little more selfish about what he really wanted– when it was really about him and not about his job or some material things.
“I don’t want you to sacrifice New York for me.”
“Do you want me to sacrifice you for New York?”
He shook his had and closed his eyes. We lost eye contact. “Justin...“
„Fuck you!“ I yelled at him and he looked back into my eyes. I was still holding his hand; I was still standing between his legs. „It’s enough! Tell me what you want!“
He tried to avoid me. I took his face between my hands to make sure that he kept looking at me. „Just tell me what you want! What you really want!“
“You!”
And that was it, just one single word and it was a complete and wonderful and touching profession of love. I had no idea what I expected him to say but this simple answer really hit me. But there was still the fear in his eyes.
I couldn’t help it, I smiled. “But you have me. I’m here.”
“Are you?” He sighed, closed his eyes again and pushed me away to stand up. He walked through the loft, massaging his temples. “Fuck.”
“Brian…”
“No!” He raised his hand to stop me. “I can’t. And I also don’t want to do this anymore.”
I swallowed. By finding a solution for the problem I have never thought about the possibility that he might want to break up. What if he really wanted to? What would I do then?
He looked at me again and bit his lower lip. “You wanted to hear that I love you, so I told you that I love you, but you didn’t come back.” He shrugged. “You wanted a commitment, a husband, so I proposed to you, but you said no.” He shrugged again. “You wanted a manor with stables and a pool, so I bought you one, but you never moved in. It’s been furnished for six months by the way.” He shrugged. “You wanted a monogamous relationship, no fucking around, no tricking, and no clubbing, so I tried to be exactly who you wanted me to be, but then you practically told me to fuck around.” And he shrugged again. “I don’t know what to do! Practically everything seems to be wrong!”
That was probably the longest speech he had ever given me and probably also the most honest. I was really impressed and confused. When exactly had I become I the complicated one in our relationship?
“Why didn’t you sell the house?” I asked him again.
He closed his eyes briefly and sighed. “You said yes and you came back and…”
Fuck, Daphne was right; it was a safe place for him.
He shook his head and went back to the chair at the kitchen counter. “I didn’t see New York coming.”
I nodded. “Neither did I.”
I moved closer to him until I was standing between his legs again and kissed him softly. I was relieved when he answered the kiss. I leaned my forehead against his and I couldn’t help it, I started laughing. “We’re so fucking complicated.”
“It’s a challenge.”
I kissed him again, put my arms around his neck and hugged him. I pressed my whole body against his, he held me close. I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I kissed his neck and inhaled his smell. Well, it was shampoo and shower gel, but it was him, it was home, it was my safe place. It was where I wanted to be.
“So what was that crap about us doing a mistake by cancelling the wedding?” I kept one arm around his shoulder and looked into his eyes. “Do you really want to marry me?”
He smacked his tongue and raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I just got a little frustrated with all those happy couples around me.”
Fuck, Daphne was really right.
“I don’t know if I really want to get married with a minister and hundreds of so called friends, just to make sure that everybody knows that we’re wearing rings. That turns me really off, it’s so…“
“Ordinary?” I asked.
“It’s not me.”
I nodded. “That’s true, you’re definitely not ordinary.”
He shrugged. “But if it’s what you want, I…“
“This is still not about what I want”, I reminded him. “And no, I don’t need a minister and hundreds of so called friends to tell you that I love you and that I want to be with you. I meant it; we don’t need rings or vows. At least I don‘t … I never expected you to. I always thought you just proposed to me, because you thought it’s what I wanted.”
„I did. I wanted you to come back and if I had to marry you to make sure that you would come back and stay… I would’ve done it.” His voice broke a little while he said it. That always happened when he was really scared, really vulnerable. “I wanted you to be happy. Perfectly happy.”
I just looked at him. I remembered the night after we broke up the last time, when he came to Michael’s house and yelled at him and Michael told him that I was never perfectly happy. And even though that was bullshit, I didn’t interrupt them back then, because it wouldn’t have changed anything.
“It’s not true that I was never perfectly happy”, I shook my head. “Sometimes I was. Every time when it was just you and me and all about us, then I felt… loved and safe and I knew where I belonged.”
“But you left.”
“I couldn’t feel it anymore.”
He nodded and looked down. “And you thought a husband and a home would change that?”
I put my hand on his cheek to make him look at me again. It was important that he saw that I really meant what I said. “I was wrong. A wedding, a ring, a house, I don’t need any of it. Even though I won’t sell it, because it’s fucking beautiful. Those are all material things. It’s a fantasy, just like the red roses and the picnics on the floor, it’s nothing real. All I wanted was safety.”
He simply didn’t know how to give me that safety. He was never good with words, it were always his actions that spoke for him. So of course, when I left, he wasn’t able to do anything to stop me and I guess when I didn’t give in after he told me, that he loved me, I confused him even more. What was he supposed to do other than giving me what I told him I wanted to have?
And now he was the one who needed safety. Somehow we seemed to have switched roles, which was really abnormal and confusing.
“So, what do you want? What do you want to happen?” I asked him. “Just tell me the truth.”
The lips, again… I wished I could’ve made it easier for him, but I needed him to be honest. Otherwise we would end up fighting because of misunderstandings again and I hated it when we were fighting, especially when it escalated like last night or when I came here the last time.
He closed his eyes and shook his head.
Okay, I could try to help him. “Do you want me to move back here?” I asked.
His eyes were still closed and he shook his head again.
I swallowed. “Do you… want to break up?”
TBC
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Re: What...??
on 2011-02-02 05:18 pm (UTC)