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soulmatejunkeeTitle: 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral, Part 4/? (You & Me-Series)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
soulmatejunkee
Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 3.350
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta:adoringaudience - thanks so much!
I have plans for this story, so far I have no idea how to put them into it! Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2 | 3
Brian's POV
Fuck, did I really say that? Did I speak it out loud?
We looked at each other, we stared at each other, and no one said anything. There was nothing to say. Or maybe there was too much to say, I didn’t know. I couldn’t believe what I had said.
I could hear my breath and my heartbeat, but I couldn’t hear anything else. There was just silence – and not a good one. It was like a big dark cloud that hang all over the loft, all over us.
I had no idea how long we just stood there and stared at each other without moving until we both jerked because someone knocked on the door.
I cleared my throat. “Must be the food.”
I wasn’t hungry anymore. I felt sick.
I took my wallet and opened the door. I knew what would happen before it happened and so I wasn’t shocked or surprised or angry or anything else when I saw Justin passing by the guy and walking down the stairs. I just paid for the food, took the bag and closed the door again.
I put the bag on the table and sat down. Right in front of me was the glass I had banged down a few minutes ago, right beside it the bottle of Beam. Beside me was the chair he knocked over a few minutes ago – still on the floor. The laptop was still on the coffee table. His backpack still lay in the corner. But he was gone.
And right in that moment, I probably was thankful for that.
Justin's POV
I walked down the stairs, I didn’t run, I just walked. I went to the car and I started the engine and then I just sat there, right in front of the building and waited. I had no idea what I was waiting for; it felt like I was outside of my body and watched everything that had happened.
Then I started to drive. I had no destination in mind, I wasn’t thinking. I was just driving and stopped when I reached my house, the manor, the palace – the place where I said “Yes, I will marry you” nine months ago. I parked the car and got out.
Ten minutes later I took my cell phone and pushed the speed dial button with Daphne’s number. When she answered I just said, “I’ll text message you an address, I’m waiting there. The door’s open, hurry up.”
Then I hung up and text messaged her the address of my house.
I couldn’t move. I just stood there, in the middle of the living room. The last time I was there it was empty, dark, and cold – except for the open fire – and some old furniture that were hidden under sheets. Now it was a fully rented room, cleaned up and heated.
I recognized some of the furniture I had chosen from the catalog.
What the fuck had happened here? I walked back to the hall, which was still dark, but also cleaned up and warm, until I reached the kitchen. When I first saw the kitchen it was an old furnishing, mangy and unsightly. Now it was a brand-new kitchen with high tech equipment. I opened the cupboards and there were plates and glasses and cups in it. Then I opened another cupboard and saw a pack of Cheerios. So I opened the fridge – it was empty and switched off. It smelled totally new.
I leaned against the table and closed my eyes. The house was renovated and furnished, ready to move in. I had no doubt that Brian did this – who else? Why didn’t he tell me? Why did he do it?
I walked to the bathroom – the small one, if you want to call it like that. It was luxurious. It had a shower and two sinks, a big cupboard, a toilette and a urinal. I was a little scared to walk upstairs. I had no doubt that all the rooms were done and furnished, but the more I saw, the guiltier I felt.
And then I was standing there, right in the middle of the main bedroom. It was painted white, just as I told him I wanted it to be. I wanted a bright and friendly bedroom. The bed was King sized and covered with cleaned sheets. They even smelled fresh. There were closet wardrobes all around, they had sliding doors, two of them were mirrors, and the rest was a warm brown wood, which fit perfectly with the rest of the room.
The main bathroom, which you can only reach from the bedroom, was unbelievable. A big shower, a Jacuzzi and a bath tub, not to mention the two big bathroom sinks, it was unbelievable, it was beautiful.
When I looked out of the window, I could see the stables or at least what was supposed to be the stables. It was renewed, too, it was obvious. It was painted. I was wondering what he had done with the stables, since I doubted that Brian was even thinking about getting horses or any other animals. I went downstairs again and walked out onto the terrace. The pool was covered. I walked to the stables and opened the big door, just to see the most beautiful room I’ve ever seen – for an artist. The stables were completely gone, there were four supporting pillars, the walls were white but empty and the daylight came through the roof. In one of the corners I could see some equipment like paint brushes, canvas in different sizes and a huge table with drawers. On the table I could see sketchbooks and pencils.
I would’ve moved into this studio immediately. He had built me my own studio. He had built me my own palace.
I walked back to the house and sat down on the stairs to wait for Daphne. She arrived 30 minutes later.
“Hey”, I welcomed her.
She looked at me and shrugged. “Here I am. What is this? What happened?”
I stood up. “Do you remember when I told you that Brian bought me a house? A really big house? A manor with stables and a pool?”
“Sure”, she nodded. “I also remember that you told me that the two of you decided not to move in there and that he would sell it again. And I also remember that you told me that he couldn’t sell it, because it was yours.”
“Well, welcome to my house.”
Of course she wanted to see everything, so I showed her the rest. It was absolutely incredible. It was beautiful, perfect. Even the guestrooms were perfect.
„It’s amazing”, she sighed when we reached the stables… the studio. “O my god, this is…” She turned around and looked at me. “Didn’t you say it’s a ruin?”
“I thought it was. The last time I saw it, it was a ruin. Well, it was old. And now it’s new and… I can’t believe he did that.”
“It’s perfect. Especially the large spaces he left empty on the walls. It’s like an invitation for a painting. It’s absolutely beautiful.” She looked at me again and her smile faded. “What’s wrong? You don’t look very happy.”
“Well, it’s my house. He furnished it and he... painted it, he didn’t tell me! He had no right!”
Of course that was ridiculous and of course she knew me well enough to realize that. I never could’ve paid for something like that, the house was absolutely incredible, beautiful and I loved it.
“Okay, we both know that’s bullshit. I mean, I know you love to be independent and make your own decisions, but this is fucking adorable and perfect and, normally, you would see that and you would love it.“
I sighed and sat down at the bottom, which was a very warm colored wood. It was fucking freezing outside, but it wasn’t that cold inside the studio. “We had a fight; a really bad fight.”
“About what?” she asked.
“Well, it was about Ethan, but I’m sure it was not really about him.”
She sat down beside me. “You lost me.”
I closed my eyes. „The idea for the website… I got it from Ethan. I met him one day at the coffee shop, and a few days later I googled his website and he was making money with it by selling his music online and I thought this would be a great idea for my art. So I contacted him and he gave me the number of the guy who built his website.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that you met Ethan?“ she asked.
Was I the only one who didn’t care about Ethan Gold anymore? At least not enough to make a big deal out of a random meeting? “Because it wasn’t important. I met him, so what? It was nothing special. I haven’t talked to him since he gave me Evan’s number.”
“Who is Evan?”
“The guy who built my website.”
“Ah.“
„I also haven’t seen Ethan since he showed up at the coffee shop once. I guess it was just a random visit for him, it’s obviously not his regular coffee shop. Brian totally freaked out when I told him. It was so ridiculous.”
“Hm, yeah, that’s weird”, she agreed. “So, how’s Ethan? How does he look?”
What? “What?”
“What?” she shrugged. “He was cute. I mean, he was a pain in the ass and totally the wrong guy for you, but he was cute. You know, this arrogant aura does make men sexy.”
“O my god!” I bumped her. “Would you please focus?”
“Ow!” She held her upper arm and frowned. “Well, why did you tell Brian about Ethan? Of course that’s a sensible spot. I mean why couldn’t you just bring up some... old friend or whatever?”
“I didn’t tell him. Unfortunately Ethan left a message in my guestbook.” I swallowed. “I was so proud and happy when I arrived this afternoon. I thought that I had finally found a way; I thought we would celebrate it. I wanted him to be proud, too. But instead of looking at the website or the shop, he just checked out the guestbook and freaked out.”
She took my hand.
„And then that was all that mattered. Not my website or my new stuff or the sellings or the money I made with it; just that stupid guestbook message. He totally freaked out, he called me a liar and a cheater.”
“Wow. Did you…?”
I looked at her. “Thank you.”
“O, come on, don’t queen out on me. I’m not there. I don’t know what’s going on in New York.”
“Nothing is going on there, absolutely nothing!”
„I’m sure it was just the heat of the moment, he didn’t mean it”, she said. “You should call him.”
“Why?” I looked at her and I realized that I was still angry, very angry. “Why am I always the one who has to fight for this?! I didn’t do anything wrong!” And then I realized that I was hurt, too. Really hurt. „I was proud of it, Daph. And now it’s something I have to be ashamed of?”
She shook her head and hugged me. “No it’s not. It’s still something to be proud of. Maybe you’re right and it was not really about Ethan. What else could’ve been the reason?”
I was still leaning my head against her shoulder. “I don’t know. It came out of nowhere. Everything was fine and a few minutes later we were fighting over stupid things and in the end I feel guilty and don’t know why. We had the same situation when I was here the last time. I thought everything was fine and then he freaked out.”
“I guess being all alone all the time isn’t that easy for him”, she said while fondling my hair.
“But we talk every day. And it’s always me who’s calling.”
“Yeah, but a phone call is not the same. It’s been a few minutes every day, but the rest of the time he’s alone.”
I sat up straight and looked at her. “I know that. I’m alone, too.”
“But you’re not like him, Justin.” She kneeled in front of me. “Look, it might be the same situation for both of you, but that doesn’t mean that you both handle it the same way. You’re an optimist. You might be lonely and you miss him, but you know that you will see him again and that’s enough for you to move on. Brian’s not an optimist, isn’t he?”
I sighed. “Not really.”
“So he’s just lonely, he doesn’t see the hello, he just sees the goodbye, so to say. You’re far away, you’re not here, and he doesn’t know what you do or who you’re with. Whatever happens, he doesn’t see it coming, and he can’t control it. All he can do is waiting. He’s expecting the worst every day and almost everything is unexpected and a danger. Not to mention that he’s practically surrounded by happy couples. That must be really frustrating.”
My best friend, psych student – fuck, she was good and she was right. I remembered the panic in his eyes when I told him that I wanted to leave. I also remembered the night when I left for New York, when he tried to be strong, but I knew he was sure he wouldn’t see me again.
“Where’s he now?” she asked.
“How should I know? I left after… well… I left.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You just left…?”
“I needed to get out of there, I needed… I didn’t want to see him anymore. He hurt me. So I left.”
“That’s mature.”
I rolled my eyes and thumped the floor with my fist. “Fuck you!”
“Why? Running away during a fight is cowardly. What do you expect him to do now?”
“Nothing.”
I knew that leaving wasn’t my best idea. I knew leaving Brian alone, especially after a fight, was somehow dangerous; since he tended to start thinking that it was a break up. On the other hand, I somehow wanted to hurt him, because he hurt me. Also not very mature, but fuck that, I’m just a human being. Sometimes I’m just tired of being strong all the time. He was my partner, wasn’t he? So wasn’t he supposed to support me, to be proud of me and above all that, to trust me? I looked down and cleared my throat. “He said maybe it was a mistake that we didn’t get married.”
What is it with girls that they always get this dreamy look in their eyes when someone talks about marriage? Girls and Emmett.
“He wants to marry you? Again? Or… still?”
Not to mention that their voice always changes from normal to baby when they’re in a romantic mood.
“No, he doesn’t”, I answered. “I mean, of course he doesn’t. This is so strange. I have absolutely no idea what’s going on here. This house, for example… why did he do that? My last state of knowledge was, that he just bought it because he thought it’s what I wanted. And now it’s furnished and beautiful and … no one lives here. And he didn’t even tell me. So what’s the point of doing it when he doesn’t tell me about it?”
„So he furnished the house he bought for you just because you wanted to have a house after you moved to New York. That’s very… interesting.”
“No, I think I’ll go with strange”, I said.
She snapped with her fingers. “Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe he really wanted this.”
“Wanted what?”
“This, this house, the wedding, everything.”
“Daph, come on”, I sighed.
“Maybe it wasn’t just because you wanted it, maybe he wanted it, too. A commitment, something safe, something that would tell him that you wouldn’t leave him again.”
Was it possible? “But if he really wanted that or... still wants it, whatever, why did we cancel the wedding? Why did he talk me into New York?”
“Because you wanted it.”
„Not really. I mean, not... that way. Of course I wanted to live in New York as an artist; every artist wants that, but it was always all or nothing; there was never a compromise. He has absolutely no trust in us. How can he always expect me to cheat and to leave and to not come back and whatthefuckelse? What kind of relationship is that supposed to be?”
“But he was never easy, Justin.” She looked at me and frowned. “What about your rules?”
“What about them?”
“Are they still up?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, I think so. We never talked about it.”
“You should talk about it, you need to talk. Why did you leave?”
“Because I needed to!” I lay down and closed my eyes. “I can’t believe that.”
“What did you answer him when he said it was a mistake?”
“Nothing, I was speechless. And then the delivery guy knocked and… I left.”
“Before you go back you have to figure out what you really want. Honestly, I think you two should make up some new rules. And if you want to break up, then...”
“I don’t want to break up. I never did.”
„Then tell him that!”
I looked up at her. “I did! What more than I love you can I say?”
“Anything.” She laid down beside me. “You know, it could be something else. We… we had this study at college last year, about losses and safeties, personal safeties. You know, how people act when they lose something they thought was safe.”
“But he didn’t lose me”, I said.
“It’s not only about losing, it’s also about changes. When something happens that changes all their plans. They try to hold on to something from the old safety, something steady, something they can still control, something that doesn’t change unless they change it.”
I looked at her and frowned. “Which would be…”
“This house. It’s a safety. It’s still there and it won’t disappear unless he sells it.”
“He said he can’t, because…”
"O, come on Justin, you’re smart enough to know that this 'It's your gift, it's not mine to sell' reason is bullshit. Did he ever give you a document with your name on it? He could’ve sold it if he wanted to. But he didn’t, and there must be a reason for.”
I nodded and looked back at the windows on the ceiling. Sometimes, it’s almost terrifying when things make sense. “Just like the rings.”
Again… that baby voice… “O my god, he kept the rings, too?”
“Fuck!” I sat up. “I could’ve recognized this sooner.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not that he’s an open book and most of time you’re not here.”
I shook my head. “I shouldn’t have left.” I looked at her. “I have to go back.”
She sat up, too and sighed. “Well, it’s just 7.30 PM, enough time to find a Christmas fuck.”
“What happened to… to… fuck, what was his name?”
“Exactly.” She jerked when my cell phone rang. “Holy shit!”
“It’s new, the ringtone is weird, I have to change that”, I said and looked at the display. I cleared my throat before I answered. “Hey Mom.”
“Justin...”
Brian's POV
“The person you are calling is temporarily not available.”
I hung up and put my cell phone on the table again. It was almost 1 AM and I’ve tried to reach Justin for five hours so far. And every time I got the same stupid voice. No mailbox, nothing.
The Thai food was still sitting in front of me, totally untouched.
The laptop still lay on the coffee table.
The chair he knocked over was still lying on the floor.
The glass I banged on the table was still there, right beside the beam.
His rucksack still sat in the corner.
And he was still gone…
And right in that moment, I wished he wouldn’t have left.
TBC
Author:
soulmatejunkee Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 3.350
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta:
adoringaudience - thanks so much!I have plans for this story, so far I have no idea how to put them into it! Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2 | 3
Brian's POV
Fuck, did I really say that? Did I speak it out loud?
We looked at each other, we stared at each other, and no one said anything. There was nothing to say. Or maybe there was too much to say, I didn’t know. I couldn’t believe what I had said.
I could hear my breath and my heartbeat, but I couldn’t hear anything else. There was just silence – and not a good one. It was like a big dark cloud that hang all over the loft, all over us.
I had no idea how long we just stood there and stared at each other without moving until we both jerked because someone knocked on the door.
I cleared my throat. “Must be the food.”
I wasn’t hungry anymore. I felt sick.
I took my wallet and opened the door. I knew what would happen before it happened and so I wasn’t shocked or surprised or angry or anything else when I saw Justin passing by the guy and walking down the stairs. I just paid for the food, took the bag and closed the door again.
I put the bag on the table and sat down. Right in front of me was the glass I had banged down a few minutes ago, right beside it the bottle of Beam. Beside me was the chair he knocked over a few minutes ago – still on the floor. The laptop was still on the coffee table. His backpack still lay in the corner. But he was gone.
And right in that moment, I probably was thankful for that.
Justin's POV
I walked down the stairs, I didn’t run, I just walked. I went to the car and I started the engine and then I just sat there, right in front of the building and waited. I had no idea what I was waiting for; it felt like I was outside of my body and watched everything that had happened.
Then I started to drive. I had no destination in mind, I wasn’t thinking. I was just driving and stopped when I reached my house, the manor, the palace – the place where I said “Yes, I will marry you” nine months ago. I parked the car and got out.
Ten minutes later I took my cell phone and pushed the speed dial button with Daphne’s number. When she answered I just said, “I’ll text message you an address, I’m waiting there. The door’s open, hurry up.”
Then I hung up and text messaged her the address of my house.
I couldn’t move. I just stood there, in the middle of the living room. The last time I was there it was empty, dark, and cold – except for the open fire – and some old furniture that were hidden under sheets. Now it was a fully rented room, cleaned up and heated.
I recognized some of the furniture I had chosen from the catalog.
What the fuck had happened here? I walked back to the hall, which was still dark, but also cleaned up and warm, until I reached the kitchen. When I first saw the kitchen it was an old furnishing, mangy and unsightly. Now it was a brand-new kitchen with high tech equipment. I opened the cupboards and there were plates and glasses and cups in it. Then I opened another cupboard and saw a pack of Cheerios. So I opened the fridge – it was empty and switched off. It smelled totally new.
I leaned against the table and closed my eyes. The house was renovated and furnished, ready to move in. I had no doubt that Brian did this – who else? Why didn’t he tell me? Why did he do it?
I walked to the bathroom – the small one, if you want to call it like that. It was luxurious. It had a shower and two sinks, a big cupboard, a toilette and a urinal. I was a little scared to walk upstairs. I had no doubt that all the rooms were done and furnished, but the more I saw, the guiltier I felt.
And then I was standing there, right in the middle of the main bedroom. It was painted white, just as I told him I wanted it to be. I wanted a bright and friendly bedroom. The bed was King sized and covered with cleaned sheets. They even smelled fresh. There were closet wardrobes all around, they had sliding doors, two of them were mirrors, and the rest was a warm brown wood, which fit perfectly with the rest of the room.
The main bathroom, which you can only reach from the bedroom, was unbelievable. A big shower, a Jacuzzi and a bath tub, not to mention the two big bathroom sinks, it was unbelievable, it was beautiful.
When I looked out of the window, I could see the stables or at least what was supposed to be the stables. It was renewed, too, it was obvious. It was painted. I was wondering what he had done with the stables, since I doubted that Brian was even thinking about getting horses or any other animals. I went downstairs again and walked out onto the terrace. The pool was covered. I walked to the stables and opened the big door, just to see the most beautiful room I’ve ever seen – for an artist. The stables were completely gone, there were four supporting pillars, the walls were white but empty and the daylight came through the roof. In one of the corners I could see some equipment like paint brushes, canvas in different sizes and a huge table with drawers. On the table I could see sketchbooks and pencils.
I would’ve moved into this studio immediately. He had built me my own studio. He had built me my own palace.
I walked back to the house and sat down on the stairs to wait for Daphne. She arrived 30 minutes later.
“Hey”, I welcomed her.
She looked at me and shrugged. “Here I am. What is this? What happened?”
I stood up. “Do you remember when I told you that Brian bought me a house? A really big house? A manor with stables and a pool?”
“Sure”, she nodded. “I also remember that you told me that the two of you decided not to move in there and that he would sell it again. And I also remember that you told me that he couldn’t sell it, because it was yours.”
“Well, welcome to my house.”
Of course she wanted to see everything, so I showed her the rest. It was absolutely incredible. It was beautiful, perfect. Even the guestrooms were perfect.
„It’s amazing”, she sighed when we reached the stables… the studio. “O my god, this is…” She turned around and looked at me. “Didn’t you say it’s a ruin?”
“I thought it was. The last time I saw it, it was a ruin. Well, it was old. And now it’s new and… I can’t believe he did that.”
“It’s perfect. Especially the large spaces he left empty on the walls. It’s like an invitation for a painting. It’s absolutely beautiful.” She looked at me again and her smile faded. “What’s wrong? You don’t look very happy.”
“Well, it’s my house. He furnished it and he... painted it, he didn’t tell me! He had no right!”
Of course that was ridiculous and of course she knew me well enough to realize that. I never could’ve paid for something like that, the house was absolutely incredible, beautiful and I loved it.
“Okay, we both know that’s bullshit. I mean, I know you love to be independent and make your own decisions, but this is fucking adorable and perfect and, normally, you would see that and you would love it.“
I sighed and sat down at the bottom, which was a very warm colored wood. It was fucking freezing outside, but it wasn’t that cold inside the studio. “We had a fight; a really bad fight.”
“About what?” she asked.
“Well, it was about Ethan, but I’m sure it was not really about him.”
She sat down beside me. “You lost me.”
I closed my eyes. „The idea for the website… I got it from Ethan. I met him one day at the coffee shop, and a few days later I googled his website and he was making money with it by selling his music online and I thought this would be a great idea for my art. So I contacted him and he gave me the number of the guy who built his website.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that you met Ethan?“ she asked.
Was I the only one who didn’t care about Ethan Gold anymore? At least not enough to make a big deal out of a random meeting? “Because it wasn’t important. I met him, so what? It was nothing special. I haven’t talked to him since he gave me Evan’s number.”
“Who is Evan?”
“The guy who built my website.”
“Ah.“
„I also haven’t seen Ethan since he showed up at the coffee shop once. I guess it was just a random visit for him, it’s obviously not his regular coffee shop. Brian totally freaked out when I told him. It was so ridiculous.”
“Hm, yeah, that’s weird”, she agreed. “So, how’s Ethan? How does he look?”
What? “What?”
“What?” she shrugged. “He was cute. I mean, he was a pain in the ass and totally the wrong guy for you, but he was cute. You know, this arrogant aura does make men sexy.”
“O my god!” I bumped her. “Would you please focus?”
“Ow!” She held her upper arm and frowned. “Well, why did you tell Brian about Ethan? Of course that’s a sensible spot. I mean why couldn’t you just bring up some... old friend or whatever?”
“I didn’t tell him. Unfortunately Ethan left a message in my guestbook.” I swallowed. “I was so proud and happy when I arrived this afternoon. I thought that I had finally found a way; I thought we would celebrate it. I wanted him to be proud, too. But instead of looking at the website or the shop, he just checked out the guestbook and freaked out.”
She took my hand.
„And then that was all that mattered. Not my website or my new stuff or the sellings or the money I made with it; just that stupid guestbook message. He totally freaked out, he called me a liar and a cheater.”
“Wow. Did you…?”
I looked at her. “Thank you.”
“O, come on, don’t queen out on me. I’m not there. I don’t know what’s going on in New York.”
“Nothing is going on there, absolutely nothing!”
„I’m sure it was just the heat of the moment, he didn’t mean it”, she said. “You should call him.”
“Why?” I looked at her and I realized that I was still angry, very angry. “Why am I always the one who has to fight for this?! I didn’t do anything wrong!” And then I realized that I was hurt, too. Really hurt. „I was proud of it, Daph. And now it’s something I have to be ashamed of?”
She shook her head and hugged me. “No it’s not. It’s still something to be proud of. Maybe you’re right and it was not really about Ethan. What else could’ve been the reason?”
I was still leaning my head against her shoulder. “I don’t know. It came out of nowhere. Everything was fine and a few minutes later we were fighting over stupid things and in the end I feel guilty and don’t know why. We had the same situation when I was here the last time. I thought everything was fine and then he freaked out.”
“I guess being all alone all the time isn’t that easy for him”, she said while fondling my hair.
“But we talk every day. And it’s always me who’s calling.”
“Yeah, but a phone call is not the same. It’s been a few minutes every day, but the rest of the time he’s alone.”
I sat up straight and looked at her. “I know that. I’m alone, too.”
“But you’re not like him, Justin.” She kneeled in front of me. “Look, it might be the same situation for both of you, but that doesn’t mean that you both handle it the same way. You’re an optimist. You might be lonely and you miss him, but you know that you will see him again and that’s enough for you to move on. Brian’s not an optimist, isn’t he?”
I sighed. “Not really.”
“So he’s just lonely, he doesn’t see the hello, he just sees the goodbye, so to say. You’re far away, you’re not here, and he doesn’t know what you do or who you’re with. Whatever happens, he doesn’t see it coming, and he can’t control it. All he can do is waiting. He’s expecting the worst every day and almost everything is unexpected and a danger. Not to mention that he’s practically surrounded by happy couples. That must be really frustrating.”
My best friend, psych student – fuck, she was good and she was right. I remembered the panic in his eyes when I told him that I wanted to leave. I also remembered the night when I left for New York, when he tried to be strong, but I knew he was sure he wouldn’t see me again.
“Where’s he now?” she asked.
“How should I know? I left after… well… I left.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You just left…?”
“I needed to get out of there, I needed… I didn’t want to see him anymore. He hurt me. So I left.”
“That’s mature.”
I rolled my eyes and thumped the floor with my fist. “Fuck you!”
“Why? Running away during a fight is cowardly. What do you expect him to do now?”
“Nothing.”
I knew that leaving wasn’t my best idea. I knew leaving Brian alone, especially after a fight, was somehow dangerous; since he tended to start thinking that it was a break up. On the other hand, I somehow wanted to hurt him, because he hurt me. Also not very mature, but fuck that, I’m just a human being. Sometimes I’m just tired of being strong all the time. He was my partner, wasn’t he? So wasn’t he supposed to support me, to be proud of me and above all that, to trust me? I looked down and cleared my throat. “He said maybe it was a mistake that we didn’t get married.”
What is it with girls that they always get this dreamy look in their eyes when someone talks about marriage? Girls and Emmett.
“He wants to marry you? Again? Or… still?”
Not to mention that their voice always changes from normal to baby when they’re in a romantic mood.
“No, he doesn’t”, I answered. “I mean, of course he doesn’t. This is so strange. I have absolutely no idea what’s going on here. This house, for example… why did he do that? My last state of knowledge was, that he just bought it because he thought it’s what I wanted. And now it’s furnished and beautiful and … no one lives here. And he didn’t even tell me. So what’s the point of doing it when he doesn’t tell me about it?”
„So he furnished the house he bought for you just because you wanted to have a house after you moved to New York. That’s very… interesting.”
“No, I think I’ll go with strange”, I said.
She snapped with her fingers. “Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe he really wanted this.”
“Wanted what?”
“This, this house, the wedding, everything.”
“Daph, come on”, I sighed.
“Maybe it wasn’t just because you wanted it, maybe he wanted it, too. A commitment, something safe, something that would tell him that you wouldn’t leave him again.”
Was it possible? “But if he really wanted that or... still wants it, whatever, why did we cancel the wedding? Why did he talk me into New York?”
“Because you wanted it.”
„Not really. I mean, not... that way. Of course I wanted to live in New York as an artist; every artist wants that, but it was always all or nothing; there was never a compromise. He has absolutely no trust in us. How can he always expect me to cheat and to leave and to not come back and whatthefuckelse? What kind of relationship is that supposed to be?”
“But he was never easy, Justin.” She looked at me and frowned. “What about your rules?”
“What about them?”
“Are they still up?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, I think so. We never talked about it.”
“You should talk about it, you need to talk. Why did you leave?”
“Because I needed to!” I lay down and closed my eyes. “I can’t believe that.”
“What did you answer him when he said it was a mistake?”
“Nothing, I was speechless. And then the delivery guy knocked and… I left.”
“Before you go back you have to figure out what you really want. Honestly, I think you two should make up some new rules. And if you want to break up, then...”
“I don’t want to break up. I never did.”
„Then tell him that!”
I looked up at her. “I did! What more than I love you can I say?”
“Anything.” She laid down beside me. “You know, it could be something else. We… we had this study at college last year, about losses and safeties, personal safeties. You know, how people act when they lose something they thought was safe.”
“But he didn’t lose me”, I said.
“It’s not only about losing, it’s also about changes. When something happens that changes all their plans. They try to hold on to something from the old safety, something steady, something they can still control, something that doesn’t change unless they change it.”
I looked at her and frowned. “Which would be…”
“This house. It’s a safety. It’s still there and it won’t disappear unless he sells it.”
“He said he can’t, because…”
"O, come on Justin, you’re smart enough to know that this 'It's your gift, it's not mine to sell' reason is bullshit. Did he ever give you a document with your name on it? He could’ve sold it if he wanted to. But he didn’t, and there must be a reason for.”
I nodded and looked back at the windows on the ceiling. Sometimes, it’s almost terrifying when things make sense. “Just like the rings.”
Again… that baby voice… “O my god, he kept the rings, too?”
“Fuck!” I sat up. “I could’ve recognized this sooner.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not that he’s an open book and most of time you’re not here.”
I shook my head. “I shouldn’t have left.” I looked at her. “I have to go back.”
She sat up, too and sighed. “Well, it’s just 7.30 PM, enough time to find a Christmas fuck.”
“What happened to… to… fuck, what was his name?”
“Exactly.” She jerked when my cell phone rang. “Holy shit!”
“It’s new, the ringtone is weird, I have to change that”, I said and looked at the display. I cleared my throat before I answered. “Hey Mom.”
“Justin...”
Brian's POV
“The person you are calling is temporarily not available.”
I hung up and put my cell phone on the table again. It was almost 1 AM and I’ve tried to reach Justin for five hours so far. And every time I got the same stupid voice. No mailbox, nothing.
The Thai food was still sitting in front of me, totally untouched.
The laptop still lay on the coffee table.
The chair he knocked over was still lying on the floor.
The glass I banged on the table was still there, right beside the beam.
His rucksack still sat in the corner.
And he was still gone…
And right in that moment, I wished he wouldn’t have left.
TBC
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no subject
on 2011-02-08 11:53 am (UTC)