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soulmatejunkeeTitle: 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral, Part 3/? (You & Me-Series)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
soulmatejunkee
Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 4.016
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta:adoringaudience - thanks so much!
I know it's fast, my muse is very lovely this week.
I have plans for this story, so far I have no idea how to put them into it! Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2
Brian's POV
I just hated those erratic mood swings I went through since I met Justin Taylor. And instead of getting better, it was getting worse. Since he moved to New York, it was walking from rain into sunshine into stormy weather into heat into rain and so on. And I had no idea what to do to change it, since it seemed that he had absolutely no problem with it, he seemed happy, he was able to deal with it, with us, with this long distance thing. But I wasn’t.
I tried, always, every day. And just as I said when I was walking in the sunshine or the heat I was able to handle it, it worked, it was okay. It was never really good, but I could deal with it. But then something would happen, most of time something totally minor, sometimes something that hadn’t anything to do with Justin, or me, or us, and the sunshine was gone and I was standing in the rain, unable to go back to my sunny place.
That was so fucking frustrating. I was thinking about possibilities to change that. My first thought was breaking up with him; two seconds later I rejected that thought. I still had a very vivid memory of the last breakups, I never felt better when he was gone – on the contrary - so breaking up was definitely no option, not for me. Sooner or later he would do it again, I knew that, but for now, it wasn’t an option.
Then I thought about moving to New York. I even started to calculate the business stuff. New York was expensive, I wouldn’t be able to keep my costs down and so I had to include losing some clients, probably even some of the big ones. On the other hand, I knew I was good at my job and even though it would be very hard in the beginning, I probably would be able to survive. I wouldn’t be as successful as I was in Pittsburgh, but I would be able to survive. And I would be in New York, where I always wanted to be – and where Justin was, too. After two days I rejected that thought, too. I wanted to be successful and not just one among many, so I had to stay in Pittsburgh and I had to work hard for the next five or ten years to make Kinnetik bigger and better than all the rest and then I could think about moving to New York. I also wasn’t sure if Justin would appreciate it if I would live there. For him, it was important to be independent. And somehow that seemed impossible when I was around.
At long last I thought about concentrating on Michael instead. He was still there, we still hung out, but as much as I tried to act as if we were still Brian and Mikey, the dynamic duo, we weren’t. He was a husband; he had a home, someone who waited for him… I didn’t. All I had was a daily phone call.
Then I tried to concentrate on Emmett, at least at nights. He was single, so there was no husband waiting for him, no home he loved to be… I thought we had something in common. We didn’t! As much as I respected him for who he was and who he wanted to be, he was no one I wanted to hang out with every single night. It was funny once in a while – but it didn’t help me.
I refused to concentrate on Ted, since it seemed that slowly but steady he started to live my old live – except for the backroom-appearances with nameless guys. He and Blake visited Babylon very often, they danced, they drank, they kissed – they even visited the backroom from time to time… together.
And so I concentrated on Justin, on the phone calls, on the phone sex and on the week he would spend at home with me soon. I also concentrated on the phone calls from Gus. I had no idea what had happened that he started calling me three times a week, but I just enjoyed talking to him – to listen to him. I didn’t say much. It worked. I still wasn’t happy, but it was better than all the alternatives.
But then it changed. It was Wednesday, ten days before Christmas, and I got a message from Justin “Where the fuck are you? Call me, it’s urgent.” So I called and there it was: The Success! He was happy, he was euphoric, and he was successful – at least for that moment, for that day. His project finally worked out. Later he called again to tell me that Sidney Bloom had sold his painting and wanted to show another one. All good news and I had to be happy for him, proud of him – and part of me was, of course. The other part expected what happened a few days later.
I was listening to Gus while he told me that his team had won the winter games and that he now was a real champion, even though he was the smallest kid in the team. He also told me that he had grown a few inches and that now all his T-shirts were too small and that he needed some new clothes for the soccer team. It was a very subtle way to tell me what he wanted to have for Christmas. Of course I already got an email from Lindsay before. And I knew that Michael got one from Melanie, to make sure that Christmas wouldn’t end as Thanksgiving did.
Justin was still euphoric, even though he hadn’t sold another painting since Wednesday. It didn’t matter, he felt successful and his bad mood disappeared and so did the attachment to the daily phone call. He didn’t call … so I called him, but all I got was his mailbox, so I left him a message and then I waited… nothing. I fell asleep and tried to call him again in the morning and reached his mailbox again. He didn’t call back.
I knew I shouldn’t panic about it; it was just one night, maybe he went out to party, to celebrate – it had been a successful week for him so far and he deserved to be happy and proud. But all the doubts I always had were omnipresent. Why didn’t he just call me to tell me that he went out celebrating? It’s not that I wanted him to stay home all the time. That was one of those moments I hated, it was so frustrating. I was in a bad mood, even though I knew I shouldn’t be and probably didn’t even have a reason for it. But it was beyond my control.
I went to the office. We had a lot of work to do the two months before Christmas, but now it was slowly quieting down. Some clients were already off for the holiday. Cynthia had planned a small Christmas brunch and so I had to say a few words. I thanked my team and got a big applause and then they all focused on the food Cynthia had ordered.
“Do you have any plans for Christmas?” Ted asked me.
I just looked at him. I was pretty sure that we would meet at Debbie’s for Christmas. “Same as you, I guess.”
“I meant between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I thought maybe you and Justin would go away.”
I nodded and looked down. “No, nothing planned. Guess we’ll be here.” At least I would be. And he would be, too, I knew that, but in my mind it was there again, the fear that he wouldn’t come home anymore, that he wouldn’t stay, that he wouldn’t care. It was so fucking frustrating.
“Blake and I had planned a few days off after New Year’s Eve, I hope that’s okay for you”, he said. “We just want to… you know…”
“Fuck somewhere else?”
Ted nodded. “It’s really amazing how reliable you are in finding the right words to describe the situation.”
I shrugged. “That’s my job.”
“So I guess you’re okay with it?”
I nodded. Of course I was. I just tried to ignore all the couples stuff that was happening around me all the time. I couldn’t stand the endless happiness anymore.
I wondered if I ever had been like them, even for a while. And I wasn’t sure what bothered me more; their endless happiness, my loneliness, or the knowledge that I wanted to have what they had – that I wanted to feel like them – instead of waiting for a fucking phone call.
“Brian!”
I turned around and saw Cynthia, waving at me with the telephone in her hand. “It’s Justin!”
I looked at my cell phone to see whether I had missed a call, but there was nothing. I motioned towards my office and took the call there. “Hey.”
“Hey”, he sighed. “What’s going on there?”
“Christmas party. Cynthia’s idea. Why do you call here?”
“My cell phone died. I mean really, it’s dead. And now I can tell you, technology sucks! Do you know how many numbers you have saved on your cell phone? And do you have any contingency plans for the moment your cell phone dies, because there’s no chance that you know all those numbers by heart.”
I sat down in my chair. His cell phone died. No party, no celebrating… “No, but I saved all my numbers and memories on my laptop. I synchronize it every evening.”
“Smartass”, he said and laughed. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you last night. Did you wait up?”
“It’s okay”, I said and leaned back. I had no idea why I lied to him. But what was I supposed to say? That I waited the entire night and the entire morning? That I checked my cell phone every five minutes? That I tried to call him twice and left him two messages? That I was worried?
“I sent you an email, but I guess you weren’t online”, he said. Fuck! I wasn’t. I checked my emails while talking to him and there it was, an email from last night that said: My fucking cell phone died, I don’t have any numbers and you’re not listed at the phonebook. Call me on my landline number. I’m waiting. Miss you. Love you.
Fuck!
“No, I wasn’t”, I just said and kept reading the message.
“I’m going to buy a new cell phone this afternoon and I’ll call you tonight. But just in case that something goes wrong… can you please give me your phone numbers?”
Justin's POV
I knew he lied to me when he said that it was okay that I didn’t call. I knew he waited for me to call him, I knew he was worried, he was always worried. I also knew that it scared him that I finally sold some paintings. I was sure that he was proud and even happy for me, but I also knew that it scared him. So I decided to take that scare away from him during the Christmas week.
Noelle had left New York two days before Christmas to go home to Georgia to her family. So I had the apartment all to myself for one day until I had to pack my stuff. Since her parents paid for a flight, she gave me her car, because I had to transport two of my paintings to Sidney’s gallery. He offered me a place at his New Year’s Eve Show. I mean - FUCK NEW YORK – he offered it to me and all he wanted to have was the general percentage. He trusted me or at least he believed in me. Why couldn’t New York do that?
I hated to drive all the way to Pittsburgh. But on the other hand I was very excited.
I was still very happy and proud about the sales and I was still totally unsure about the job offer. I had talked to Zack Mitchell, the company’s owner, who was a very nice guy and who told me that he needed my answer till the 30th since there were other candidates for that job. Of course there were. There are always hundreds of others in New York, you’re never the only one. He also told me that they were very impressed by Rage and how I created all those figures and that they would be very happy if I decided to join their team.
I didn’t sell any other paintings after that magic Wednesday anymore; just some Rage stuff. So I knew that rejecting Zack’s offer would be very stupid. Noelle was totally right. And I could really use the cash to finally get an agent and maybe some studio space. I wanted to draw again, I needed to draw again. But I wanted to talk to Brian about it first.
I was very excited about his reaction to a lot of things. First of all, we still had to celebrate the sales and since it had been two paintings we had to celebrate very much. Then we had to celebrate the job offer, since it was practically his idea that I should try something else and – as always, when Brian Kinney was in the game – it was a success. And then we had to celebrate my project, which I would finally show him and which I was very proud of.
I arrived at the loft in the early afternoon. When I closed the door I heard the shower, so I took off my clothes and went to the bathroom. Since I didn’t want to give him a heart attack, I knocked at the glass and smiled when he turned around. “Is there a little space for me in there?”
Shower sex is one of the best, always. I never figured out why, but it was always great. It was wet, it was slippery and it was hot. And when he held me close after we fucked I just thought that I was finally home again. “I missed you”, I sighed.
He didn’t answer anything, he just held me.
We ordered Thai – what else is there to order? – and while we were waiting for the delivery, I opened my laptop. “Want to see my project?”
“Sure”, he answered.
I went back to the couch and sat down beside him. “Voila.”
He looked at it and then he looked at me. “A website?”
I nodded proudly. “Yes, it’s my very own and official website.”
“And that was your big project? The one I wasn’t allowed to know about?” He was obviously confused.
“Well, it wasn’t just because of the website.” I clicked on the JT-Shop. “It was because of this. You know, I didn’t get any chance in New York, everything sucked and then I thought maybe I could sell some stuff online. But all they cared about was the Rage stuff. Until last week; and I… I wanted it to work out the way it was supposed to before I show it to you.”
“Hm.”
Not exactly the answer I wanted . After all it was a very professional website with a lot of stuff on it and a lot of work in it. I expected him to at least be a little more supportive. But before I could say anything, my cell phone rang and I left the laptop with him to talk to Daphne. She told me that she had some big news for me and we made a date for the next day, since I hadn’t planned to leave the loft and Brian that day. Again, we had some stuff to celebrate.
I hung up and sat down beside him again. Something was weird. He looked at me.
“What?” I asked. “Don’t you like the idea?”
“O no, the website it very well done and to have one if you want to be popular is never a bad idea”, he answered. “And it’s very interesting what kind of people you can meet through the guestbook.”
I laughed and leaned against him. “After the hundreds of sexual offers, I stopped reading the guestbook. Evan installed a filter for those spamming messages.”
He nodded, still… something was weird. “Yeah, it’s not so much the sexual stuff I’m talking about. It’s more the friendly stuff.”
I had no idea what was going on, what had happened in the few minutes I had talked to Daphne. This was supposed to lead into another celebration, but he didn’t look very happy or pleased. “What do you mean?”
“Hey Baby, just leaving you a message on your own little online place. Wish you all the best, we miss you. Love, hugs and kisses, Emmett H”, he read one of the messages. His voice had this arrogant, inaccessible tone.
“Emmett?” I tried to get a look. I had no idea that Emmett knew about my website. I should’ve checked the guestbook from time to time.
“O, its getting better”, Brian said and pointed to another message. “Hey Justin, your website looks great, I’m happy it worked out for you. Let me know if you need any help again. Ethan Gold.“
„Okay.“ I grabbed the laptop and shut it down. „The guestbook was not so much what I wanted to show you.“
„Understandable“, he answered. Still… I didn’t like this tone. „But it’s nice to read that you had someone who helped you, since you refused to let me help you.“
I closed my eyes briefly. „It’s not what you think.“
„What do I think?“
„It was…“, I sighed. „It was his idea … more or less. I practically copied it from him, so I asked him for help, it was easier.“ Wrong, wrong choice of words.
„It was easier to ask him for help than me?“
„Yes.“ Again, wrong choice of words. It was obviously not what he wanted to hear and it also wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have. How the fuck did we end up at the guestbook? And why the fuck did we talk about Ethan? After I answered, I got a really angry look before he stood up and walked away to get something to drink. I turned around, so that I kneeled on the couch. It was just a misunderstanding. „I don’t care what he thinks, it doesn’t matter. And honestly, I don’t think he cares either. It was easy to ask him because I don’t have to prove anything to him.“
Well, that was obviously not what he wanted to hear either, since he almost broke the glass while banging it back onto the table. „You don’t have to prove anything to me either!“
I stood up, too. „But I care what you think! It’s important.“
„Right now, I think you’re a cowardly liar. You told me you had to do this on your own.“
I was used to this, he tried to provoke me to push me away. But normally, I could see that coming. This time I didn’t. I had no idea what his problem was. „That’s not a lie.“
„You said it’s over!”
What the fuck? „It was years ago!”
„When did you want to tell me about him? O no wait, you never told me about him. It was my turn to figure it out, right? Here we go.”
„There’s nothing to tell!“ I yelled at him. I got angry. What the fuck was going on here? Just because of one stupid guestbook message we were fighting over Ethan Gold? That was ridiculous. „He came to the coffee shop, ordered his mocca, we talked while I serviced him and then he left! I googled his website, saw that he uses it to sell his stuff and thought this might be a good idea, so I asked him about it and he gave me Evan’s number and that’s it. I haven’t talked to him since then. By the way, he has a boyfriend!”
„You had one too, didn’t stop you.”
Ouch! „Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little? I just saw him once and it was just by chance. You’re freaking out because I talked to Ethan over the phone!”
„You mean because you’re doing the same with him as you’re doing with me, talking over the phone?“
„That’s not the same!” Fuck! I hated this. I was so not prepared for a fight; I had no intention to fight with him. „I haven’t talked to him for months, I just wanted his advice! Evan Porter is the guy who created Ethan’s website, so he gave me his number and that’s it.”
He shrugged. “Why ask me? What do I know about advertising?”
“Really, is this about me asking Ethan or me not asking you?” I shook my head. “Let’s get this straight - we will never be in a situation where you tell me who I am allowed to talk to.”
Then there was silence, a horrible silence. We just looked at each other. I had no idea what to say since I had no idea what had happened. This couldn’t be about Ethan, there must be something else. I walked towards him, but when I wanted to touch him, he shook his head.
“Don’t.”
“What’s your problem?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“Is it because I sold some paintings? Because it finally worked out?” Just a try.
He shook his head again.
“Do you prefer me to fail, so that you can save me?”
“No, of course not“, he said. „I want you to be successful!”
“But?”
He bit his lower lip, he always did that when he was nervous or afraid or both. „I just wanted ...“
“What?”
“I wanted to be a part of it. You cut me out.”
Again? Haven’t we already talked this out during Thanksgiving? “I offered to show it to you, you said no.”
He closed his eyes. “You cut me out, but you asked him. Of all the people in this world…“
„I told you, I met him by chance, it wasn’t planned. You always tell me that I have to take my chances, I did. Fuck you, Brian! I worked really hard on this to make it public, to put all my paintings on it, to make money with it. I wanted to do it on my own, I wanted to show you that I found a way to sell some of my works. That was the only reason why I created this website and that’s the reason why I didn’t tell you about it until I finally sold a piece. I don’t care about Emmett or Ethan or any other comment on this fucking guestbook! I wanted you to be proud of me!”
It was so unreal. What the fuck was going on? And why the fuck did I had to feel guilty for my website? I hadn’t done anything wrong. I didn’t lie, I didn’t cheat… what the fuck was his problem? I felt totally uncomfortable and helpless; I didn’t want to celebrate anything anymore. I was pretty close to burst out into tears, but I wouldn’t do that in front of him.
“I think I should leave“, I said and saw the panic in his eyes. His face didn’t change, but his eyes did. Of course he didn’t say anything, at least not in that moment. “Just for tonight; I… need some time alone.”
“Great idea, let’s run away… as always.”
“Fuck!” I knocked over one of the chairs and looked at him. “What’s your fucking problem?! And don’t you dare say this is about Ethan Gold, we both know it’s not! And I won’t justify myself for anything! I didn’t do anything wrong! I don’t have to account for everything I do! We’re not fucking married!”
I got a very, very deprecating smile. „Thanks for reminding me.“
I pointed at him. „It was your idea to cancel the wedding!“
He banged the glass on the table again. “Maybe that was a mistake!
TBC
Author:
soulmatejunkee Fandom: Queer as Folk US
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Post 5.13; POV's
Word Count: 4.016
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
Beta:
adoringaudience - thanks so much!I know it's fast, my muse is very lovely this week.
I have plans for this story, so far I have no idea how to put them into it! Things are going to change with that story, moving forward - finally! I hope you still enjoy it. As always: Every comment is welcome. I Love to read what you think. Thanks!
1. Listen to me
2. Trust me
3. Babylon Part 1 | Part 2
4. Find a way Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
5. ...remember what's missing?
6. The Party
7. Thanksgiving 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10
8. 1 wedding, 4 rings and 1 almost funeral 1 | 2
Brian's POV
I just hated those erratic mood swings I went through since I met Justin Taylor. And instead of getting better, it was getting worse. Since he moved to New York, it was walking from rain into sunshine into stormy weather into heat into rain and so on. And I had no idea what to do to change it, since it seemed that he had absolutely no problem with it, he seemed happy, he was able to deal with it, with us, with this long distance thing. But I wasn’t.
I tried, always, every day. And just as I said when I was walking in the sunshine or the heat I was able to handle it, it worked, it was okay. It was never really good, but I could deal with it. But then something would happen, most of time something totally minor, sometimes something that hadn’t anything to do with Justin, or me, or us, and the sunshine was gone and I was standing in the rain, unable to go back to my sunny place.
That was so fucking frustrating. I was thinking about possibilities to change that. My first thought was breaking up with him; two seconds later I rejected that thought. I still had a very vivid memory of the last breakups, I never felt better when he was gone – on the contrary - so breaking up was definitely no option, not for me. Sooner or later he would do it again, I knew that, but for now, it wasn’t an option.
Then I thought about moving to New York. I even started to calculate the business stuff. New York was expensive, I wouldn’t be able to keep my costs down and so I had to include losing some clients, probably even some of the big ones. On the other hand, I knew I was good at my job and even though it would be very hard in the beginning, I probably would be able to survive. I wouldn’t be as successful as I was in Pittsburgh, but I would be able to survive. And I would be in New York, where I always wanted to be – and where Justin was, too. After two days I rejected that thought, too. I wanted to be successful and not just one among many, so I had to stay in Pittsburgh and I had to work hard for the next five or ten years to make Kinnetik bigger and better than all the rest and then I could think about moving to New York. I also wasn’t sure if Justin would appreciate it if I would live there. For him, it was important to be independent. And somehow that seemed impossible when I was around.
At long last I thought about concentrating on Michael instead. He was still there, we still hung out, but as much as I tried to act as if we were still Brian and Mikey, the dynamic duo, we weren’t. He was a husband; he had a home, someone who waited for him… I didn’t. All I had was a daily phone call.
Then I tried to concentrate on Emmett, at least at nights. He was single, so there was no husband waiting for him, no home he loved to be… I thought we had something in common. We didn’t! As much as I respected him for who he was and who he wanted to be, he was no one I wanted to hang out with every single night. It was funny once in a while – but it didn’t help me.
I refused to concentrate on Ted, since it seemed that slowly but steady he started to live my old live – except for the backroom-appearances with nameless guys. He and Blake visited Babylon very often, they danced, they drank, they kissed – they even visited the backroom from time to time… together.
And so I concentrated on Justin, on the phone calls, on the phone sex and on the week he would spend at home with me soon. I also concentrated on the phone calls from Gus. I had no idea what had happened that he started calling me three times a week, but I just enjoyed talking to him – to listen to him. I didn’t say much. It worked. I still wasn’t happy, but it was better than all the alternatives.
But then it changed. It was Wednesday, ten days before Christmas, and I got a message from Justin “Where the fuck are you? Call me, it’s urgent.” So I called and there it was: The Success! He was happy, he was euphoric, and he was successful – at least for that moment, for that day. His project finally worked out. Later he called again to tell me that Sidney Bloom had sold his painting and wanted to show another one. All good news and I had to be happy for him, proud of him – and part of me was, of course. The other part expected what happened a few days later.
I was listening to Gus while he told me that his team had won the winter games and that he now was a real champion, even though he was the smallest kid in the team. He also told me that he had grown a few inches and that now all his T-shirts were too small and that he needed some new clothes for the soccer team. It was a very subtle way to tell me what he wanted to have for Christmas. Of course I already got an email from Lindsay before. And I knew that Michael got one from Melanie, to make sure that Christmas wouldn’t end as Thanksgiving did.
Justin was still euphoric, even though he hadn’t sold another painting since Wednesday. It didn’t matter, he felt successful and his bad mood disappeared and so did the attachment to the daily phone call. He didn’t call … so I called him, but all I got was his mailbox, so I left him a message and then I waited… nothing. I fell asleep and tried to call him again in the morning and reached his mailbox again. He didn’t call back.
I knew I shouldn’t panic about it; it was just one night, maybe he went out to party, to celebrate – it had been a successful week for him so far and he deserved to be happy and proud. But all the doubts I always had were omnipresent. Why didn’t he just call me to tell me that he went out celebrating? It’s not that I wanted him to stay home all the time. That was one of those moments I hated, it was so frustrating. I was in a bad mood, even though I knew I shouldn’t be and probably didn’t even have a reason for it. But it was beyond my control.
I went to the office. We had a lot of work to do the two months before Christmas, but now it was slowly quieting down. Some clients were already off for the holiday. Cynthia had planned a small Christmas brunch and so I had to say a few words. I thanked my team and got a big applause and then they all focused on the food Cynthia had ordered.
“Do you have any plans for Christmas?” Ted asked me.
I just looked at him. I was pretty sure that we would meet at Debbie’s for Christmas. “Same as you, I guess.”
“I meant between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I thought maybe you and Justin would go away.”
I nodded and looked down. “No, nothing planned. Guess we’ll be here.” At least I would be. And he would be, too, I knew that, but in my mind it was there again, the fear that he wouldn’t come home anymore, that he wouldn’t stay, that he wouldn’t care. It was so fucking frustrating.
“Blake and I had planned a few days off after New Year’s Eve, I hope that’s okay for you”, he said. “We just want to… you know…”
“Fuck somewhere else?”
Ted nodded. “It’s really amazing how reliable you are in finding the right words to describe the situation.”
I shrugged. “That’s my job.”
“So I guess you’re okay with it?”
I nodded. Of course I was. I just tried to ignore all the couples stuff that was happening around me all the time. I couldn’t stand the endless happiness anymore.
I wondered if I ever had been like them, even for a while. And I wasn’t sure what bothered me more; their endless happiness, my loneliness, or the knowledge that I wanted to have what they had – that I wanted to feel like them – instead of waiting for a fucking phone call.
“Brian!”
I turned around and saw Cynthia, waving at me with the telephone in her hand. “It’s Justin!”
I looked at my cell phone to see whether I had missed a call, but there was nothing. I motioned towards my office and took the call there. “Hey.”
“Hey”, he sighed. “What’s going on there?”
“Christmas party. Cynthia’s idea. Why do you call here?”
“My cell phone died. I mean really, it’s dead. And now I can tell you, technology sucks! Do you know how many numbers you have saved on your cell phone? And do you have any contingency plans for the moment your cell phone dies, because there’s no chance that you know all those numbers by heart.”
I sat down in my chair. His cell phone died. No party, no celebrating… “No, but I saved all my numbers and memories on my laptop. I synchronize it every evening.”
“Smartass”, he said and laughed. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you last night. Did you wait up?”
“It’s okay”, I said and leaned back. I had no idea why I lied to him. But what was I supposed to say? That I waited the entire night and the entire morning? That I checked my cell phone every five minutes? That I tried to call him twice and left him two messages? That I was worried?
“I sent you an email, but I guess you weren’t online”, he said. Fuck! I wasn’t. I checked my emails while talking to him and there it was, an email from last night that said: My fucking cell phone died, I don’t have any numbers and you’re not listed at the phonebook. Call me on my landline number. I’m waiting. Miss you. Love you.
Fuck!
“No, I wasn’t”, I just said and kept reading the message.
“I’m going to buy a new cell phone this afternoon and I’ll call you tonight. But just in case that something goes wrong… can you please give me your phone numbers?”
Justin's POV
I knew he lied to me when he said that it was okay that I didn’t call. I knew he waited for me to call him, I knew he was worried, he was always worried. I also knew that it scared him that I finally sold some paintings. I was sure that he was proud and even happy for me, but I also knew that it scared him. So I decided to take that scare away from him during the Christmas week.
Noelle had left New York two days before Christmas to go home to Georgia to her family. So I had the apartment all to myself for one day until I had to pack my stuff. Since her parents paid for a flight, she gave me her car, because I had to transport two of my paintings to Sidney’s gallery. He offered me a place at his New Year’s Eve Show. I mean - FUCK NEW YORK – he offered it to me and all he wanted to have was the general percentage. He trusted me or at least he believed in me. Why couldn’t New York do that?
I hated to drive all the way to Pittsburgh. But on the other hand I was very excited.
I was still very happy and proud about the sales and I was still totally unsure about the job offer. I had talked to Zack Mitchell, the company’s owner, who was a very nice guy and who told me that he needed my answer till the 30th since there were other candidates for that job. Of course there were. There are always hundreds of others in New York, you’re never the only one. He also told me that they were very impressed by Rage and how I created all those figures and that they would be very happy if I decided to join their team.
I didn’t sell any other paintings after that magic Wednesday anymore; just some Rage stuff. So I knew that rejecting Zack’s offer would be very stupid. Noelle was totally right. And I could really use the cash to finally get an agent and maybe some studio space. I wanted to draw again, I needed to draw again. But I wanted to talk to Brian about it first.
I was very excited about his reaction to a lot of things. First of all, we still had to celebrate the sales and since it had been two paintings we had to celebrate very much. Then we had to celebrate the job offer, since it was practically his idea that I should try something else and – as always, when Brian Kinney was in the game – it was a success. And then we had to celebrate my project, which I would finally show him and which I was very proud of.
I arrived at the loft in the early afternoon. When I closed the door I heard the shower, so I took off my clothes and went to the bathroom. Since I didn’t want to give him a heart attack, I knocked at the glass and smiled when he turned around. “Is there a little space for me in there?”
Shower sex is one of the best, always. I never figured out why, but it was always great. It was wet, it was slippery and it was hot. And when he held me close after we fucked I just thought that I was finally home again. “I missed you”, I sighed.
He didn’t answer anything, he just held me.
We ordered Thai – what else is there to order? – and while we were waiting for the delivery, I opened my laptop. “Want to see my project?”
“Sure”, he answered.
I went back to the couch and sat down beside him. “Voila.”
He looked at it and then he looked at me. “A website?”
I nodded proudly. “Yes, it’s my very own and official website.”
“And that was your big project? The one I wasn’t allowed to know about?” He was obviously confused.
“Well, it wasn’t just because of the website.” I clicked on the JT-Shop. “It was because of this. You know, I didn’t get any chance in New York, everything sucked and then I thought maybe I could sell some stuff online. But all they cared about was the Rage stuff. Until last week; and I… I wanted it to work out the way it was supposed to before I show it to you.”
“Hm.”
Not exactly the answer I wanted . After all it was a very professional website with a lot of stuff on it and a lot of work in it. I expected him to at least be a little more supportive. But before I could say anything, my cell phone rang and I left the laptop with him to talk to Daphne. She told me that she had some big news for me and we made a date for the next day, since I hadn’t planned to leave the loft and Brian that day. Again, we had some stuff to celebrate.
I hung up and sat down beside him again. Something was weird. He looked at me.
“What?” I asked. “Don’t you like the idea?”
“O no, the website it very well done and to have one if you want to be popular is never a bad idea”, he answered. “And it’s very interesting what kind of people you can meet through the guestbook.”
I laughed and leaned against him. “After the hundreds of sexual offers, I stopped reading the guestbook. Evan installed a filter for those spamming messages.”
He nodded, still… something was weird. “Yeah, it’s not so much the sexual stuff I’m talking about. It’s more the friendly stuff.”
I had no idea what was going on, what had happened in the few minutes I had talked to Daphne. This was supposed to lead into another celebration, but he didn’t look very happy or pleased. “What do you mean?”
“Hey Baby, just leaving you a message on your own little online place. Wish you all the best, we miss you. Love, hugs and kisses, Emmett H”, he read one of the messages. His voice had this arrogant, inaccessible tone.
“Emmett?” I tried to get a look. I had no idea that Emmett knew about my website. I should’ve checked the guestbook from time to time.
“O, its getting better”, Brian said and pointed to another message. “Hey Justin, your website looks great, I’m happy it worked out for you. Let me know if you need any help again. Ethan Gold.“
„Okay.“ I grabbed the laptop and shut it down. „The guestbook was not so much what I wanted to show you.“
„Understandable“, he answered. Still… I didn’t like this tone. „But it’s nice to read that you had someone who helped you, since you refused to let me help you.“
I closed my eyes briefly. „It’s not what you think.“
„What do I think?“
„It was…“, I sighed. „It was his idea … more or less. I practically copied it from him, so I asked him for help, it was easier.“ Wrong, wrong choice of words.
„It was easier to ask him for help than me?“
„Yes.“ Again, wrong choice of words. It was obviously not what he wanted to hear and it also wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have. How the fuck did we end up at the guestbook? And why the fuck did we talk about Ethan? After I answered, I got a really angry look before he stood up and walked away to get something to drink. I turned around, so that I kneeled on the couch. It was just a misunderstanding. „I don’t care what he thinks, it doesn’t matter. And honestly, I don’t think he cares either. It was easy to ask him because I don’t have to prove anything to him.“
Well, that was obviously not what he wanted to hear either, since he almost broke the glass while banging it back onto the table. „You don’t have to prove anything to me either!“
I stood up, too. „But I care what you think! It’s important.“
„Right now, I think you’re a cowardly liar. You told me you had to do this on your own.“
I was used to this, he tried to provoke me to push me away. But normally, I could see that coming. This time I didn’t. I had no idea what his problem was. „That’s not a lie.“
„You said it’s over!”
What the fuck? „It was years ago!”
„When did you want to tell me about him? O no wait, you never told me about him. It was my turn to figure it out, right? Here we go.”
„There’s nothing to tell!“ I yelled at him. I got angry. What the fuck was going on here? Just because of one stupid guestbook message we were fighting over Ethan Gold? That was ridiculous. „He came to the coffee shop, ordered his mocca, we talked while I serviced him and then he left! I googled his website, saw that he uses it to sell his stuff and thought this might be a good idea, so I asked him about it and he gave me Evan’s number and that’s it. I haven’t talked to him since then. By the way, he has a boyfriend!”
„You had one too, didn’t stop you.”
Ouch! „Don’t you think you’re overreacting a little? I just saw him once and it was just by chance. You’re freaking out because I talked to Ethan over the phone!”
„You mean because you’re doing the same with him as you’re doing with me, talking over the phone?“
„That’s not the same!” Fuck! I hated this. I was so not prepared for a fight; I had no intention to fight with him. „I haven’t talked to him for months, I just wanted his advice! Evan Porter is the guy who created Ethan’s website, so he gave me his number and that’s it.”
He shrugged. “Why ask me? What do I know about advertising?”
“Really, is this about me asking Ethan or me not asking you?” I shook my head. “Let’s get this straight - we will never be in a situation where you tell me who I am allowed to talk to.”
Then there was silence, a horrible silence. We just looked at each other. I had no idea what to say since I had no idea what had happened. This couldn’t be about Ethan, there must be something else. I walked towards him, but when I wanted to touch him, he shook his head.
“Don’t.”
“What’s your problem?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“Is it because I sold some paintings? Because it finally worked out?” Just a try.
He shook his head again.
“Do you prefer me to fail, so that you can save me?”
“No, of course not“, he said. „I want you to be successful!”
“But?”
He bit his lower lip, he always did that when he was nervous or afraid or both. „I just wanted ...“
“What?”
“I wanted to be a part of it. You cut me out.”
Again? Haven’t we already talked this out during Thanksgiving? “I offered to show it to you, you said no.”
He closed his eyes. “You cut me out, but you asked him. Of all the people in this world…“
„I told you, I met him by chance, it wasn’t planned. You always tell me that I have to take my chances, I did. Fuck you, Brian! I worked really hard on this to make it public, to put all my paintings on it, to make money with it. I wanted to do it on my own, I wanted to show you that I found a way to sell some of my works. That was the only reason why I created this website and that’s the reason why I didn’t tell you about it until I finally sold a piece. I don’t care about Emmett or Ethan or any other comment on this fucking guestbook! I wanted you to be proud of me!”
It was so unreal. What the fuck was going on? And why the fuck did I had to feel guilty for my website? I hadn’t done anything wrong. I didn’t lie, I didn’t cheat… what the fuck was his problem? I felt totally uncomfortable and helpless; I didn’t want to celebrate anything anymore. I was pretty close to burst out into tears, but I wouldn’t do that in front of him.
“I think I should leave“, I said and saw the panic in his eyes. His face didn’t change, but his eyes did. Of course he didn’t say anything, at least not in that moment. “Just for tonight; I… need some time alone.”
“Great idea, let’s run away… as always.”
“Fuck!” I knocked over one of the chairs and looked at him. “What’s your fucking problem?! And don’t you dare say this is about Ethan Gold, we both know it’s not! And I won’t justify myself for anything! I didn’t do anything wrong! I don’t have to account for everything I do! We’re not fucking married!”
I got a very, very deprecating smile. „Thanks for reminding me.“
I pointed at him. „It was your idea to cancel the wedding!“
He banged the glass on the table again. “Maybe that was a mistake!
TBC
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no subject
on 2011-01-27 07:15 am (UTC)Am I evil?
no subject
on 2011-01-27 03:41 pm (UTC)Excuse me, but I'm afraid you confuse me with someone else*whistle* I would never do anything like that*more whistle* I DO love you :D
Kinney whistle-kisses