Just another Dream (Oneshot; Gapfiller)
Apr. 12th, 2011 08:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
soulmatejunkeeTitle: Just another dream
Author:soulmatejunkee
Fandom: Queer as Folk
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Between episode 3.08 and 3.09
Rating: R
Word Count: 5.106
Summary: A little oneshot that starts after the reunion in the office and stops before the Cha-Cha-dance at Babylon! (POV)
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
A/N: This is my very first AU, just thought I should mention it. No Beta!
Author:
soulmatejunkeeFandom: Queer as Folk
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Timeline: Between episode 3.08 and 3.09
Rating: R
Word Count: 5.106
Summary: A little oneshot that starts after the reunion in the office and stops before the Cha-Cha-dance at Babylon! (POV)
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. It’s all CowLip and Showtime.
A/N: This is my very first AU, just thought I should mention it. No Beta!
Brian's POV
Perfect, it was perfect. And I felt... just perfect. Nothing was missing, no questions anymore, no weirdness... just perfect. It wasn’t what I expected, maybe it was what I was hoping for and yes, waiting for, because lets face it, I needed it, it’s like breathing. It’s way more than it was ever supposed to be. Something I can’t control anymore... I tried, but I failed. I have no idea how this happened and why it happened, but it did. And it was perfect.
I will never ask him for the reason, I don’t want to think about; that under other circumstances he wouldn’t be here right now, but he would still be with him. With the one who told him he loved him and wanted to be with him and only him. The one who gave him a fucking ring and thousands of promises. Well, the ring is gone now and so are the promises. Right now, I don’t know why, but I know, the perfect boyfriend failed, too.
I know he still wants to hear it and I know he’s still waiting for something. A little word, a little promise, a little gift, a little sign... While he was gone I thought about it. What if I would have given him all of it?
What if I would have told him that I was scared to death when he got bashed and all I could do was waiting and – I will never ever admit that loud – praying?
What if I would have told him that I was at the hospital every fucking night, waiting and – hell, yes – praying?
What if I would have told him that when he said „I want you inside me“ my heart beated so fast that I was afraid I wouldn’t live long enough anymore to end up inside him, because I was afraid to hurt him, afraid he still wasn’t able to do it?
What if I would have told him that I couldn’t fall asleep without him beside me anymore?
What if I would have celebrated his birthday with him the way he wanted me to, just the two of us?
What if I would have told him that I missed him when he went to Vermont - instead of just fucking him?
What if I would have let him have his little – romantic - picnic on the floor?
What if it wouldn’t scare me to death that I need him and want him and... love him?
They don’t understand why I won’t say it. They think I deny it, they think I won’t see it, feel it. They don’t know anything. They love him and want him to be happy and they told me that it was only a matter of time before he left and that he finally found someone who appreciates him.
They don’t know about the nights I spent at the hospital floor.
They don’t know about the nights I spent sleepless just to hold him after another nightmare.
They don’t know about that blond callboy who might have looked like him, but didn’t feel like him, didn’t smell like him... just wasn’t him.
They don’t know about all the tricks who were suppose to be him.
They don’t know about the endless nights I was waiting for something, a call, a sign, just something... just him.
All they can see is the tricking, the drinking, the drugging... the denying. It’s all I show them.
I don’t deny it. I know what I want and what I feel. I might not always see the consequences coming, I might not always expect them to be so hard to handle – okay, I definitely didn’t see it coming, but I know what I feel – fuck - I am the one who feels it! Every morning, every day, every night, with or without him.
They say it’s only an „I love you“ – only, it’s not only, it’s everything. Well, it’s supposed to be everything. Sometimes it’s just like a needle that hurt you, because you know it means nothing. It sounds cold and heartless, like somthing you don’t care about. And it makes you feel lonely, unloveable, needless. So you don’t want to hear it, you don’t believe it, it doesn’t mean what it’s supposed to mean.
Sometimes it’s just an excuse, an apology. Workes always with Michael. Always have, always will – and he forgives me everything. It’s not that I am lying, I do love him, I always have and I always will. But I can use that as an apology.
Once said, you can’t take it back anymore, you have to take the responsibility for it, you have to take the pity, the pain, the rejection. You can’t say „I love you“ and then expect nothing to change. Not when I love you is suppose to say „I am in love with you, I want to be with you“.
I agree with them when they say, he deserves better than me. But why do they blame me for that? I never asked him to stay or to come back – well, not when I was awake. In dreamy-dreamy-land I did, it’s easier there. You get what you want, always. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. It’s like fucking.
For some reason he always disagreed.
He stayed and he came back – and now he came back again and I wasn’t just dreaming. It was real. He came back, started to play a little game. He played really good, but then he failed and that’s the reason I know he’s still waiting for it, hoping for it. When he told me what he wanted me to do, what he expected me to do – and what I didn’t do. Actually, he made it pretty clear, that he wouldn’t have left me, if I would have done any of my what-if’s.
And I guess I made it pretty clear that if he wants something, he has to stand up for himself – fight for it, do it, work on it... see through it. It was one of those moments I lost control. I lose control very often when he’s around, it’s always hard work to keep it, especially when he really tries to take over. He didn’t in that moment, he just said: „You would have told me that you loved me.“ And then he said, „But as usual you never did. So it’s just as well that I go.“ As if I never said it. He couldn’t hear it anymore. And that was just because he somehow lost the focus... but there must have been a reason for him to start his game, something had changed. And if he expected me to say it... he must know it, right?
Then I lost control. He wanted to leave – again. And I wouldn’t say what he was waiting to hear – again. I remember the one second when I look into his eyes, watch him taking his bag and walking away. I already heard the door, I already figured myself alone in that fucking office. And then I pushed him back, right in front of me and provoked him, „Have some balls“. He just stood there, looked at me. And all I could think was, that I really shouldn’t speak that much, because what I said was bullshit. If half of the gay-community would have his balls, there wouldn’t be the goof-and-loser-center, also called the GLC.
He kissed me. Hard. Intense. So good. His lips, the taste, the smell... I was lost, I knew it. If he really played the game to get me back, to start over, to be with me again – he would win. I didn’t stand a chance to take control. He could have had me in that moment if he wanted to... but he was angry. Right there all he wanted was to prove that he has some balls. He was totally in control. Fuck!
But he kept playing his game. He came back – again. He said he knows what he can expect from me. So, he knows what he can’t expect. He’s still waiting for it, hoping for it, but not expecting it anymore. Is he finally able to see it without hearing the words? Or did he just gave up on it? And what would I prefer him to do? Maybe both.
Every night I fell asleep all alone and every morning I woke up without him I wished I had handled it – him – differently. Sometimes I wished I‘ve never met him, but it was impossible to live that wish. He was everywhere. In the bed, the bathroom, the shower, the kitchen. On the couch, the chair, the table. So I did what every dumped failure did after he realized he made a big mistake – I wished that I would have done things differently. I hoped for a second chance.
There I was, tired. It was late, very late. I could hear the cars on the street, I felt the duvet on my naked body and I knew he was here, right beside me, under the duvet. I knew when I would reach out to touch him, he was there.
But when I did, when I reached out for him, he was ... not there. I turned around, my eyes were open now, I was awake and my heart beated to hard and so fast, it almost hurt. It was dark. The streetlights and the moonlight was all that brightened up my loft. The bed beside me was empty. I swallowed.
He was here, I knew he was, he came here with me, right from the office, right after we fucked and kissed and came on my desk. He smiled at me, he was happy, he cuddled against me, he kissed me, we fucked again... right here, in this bed. He was here... wasn’t he? It was real, wasn’t it? It wasn’t just another visit in dreamy-dreamy-land, where everything always ended up the way I wanted it to be. He was here... with me. He was... it was him.
I swallowed again and sat up and looked around. No condom on the floor, nothing. But we used a condom, I always use condoms and I fucked him, I knew I did. He was here. Fuck!
Did he left?
Was it just a dream?
Why would he leave?
It must have been real, I could feel it, I remembered every detail.
Where did he go?
I remembered his hair, longer than the last time we fucked and so beautiful, so soft.
Was he thinking about him?
I remembered his eyes, the look, the desire.
Did he miss him?
I remembered his lips, he kissed me, my lips, me neck, my chest.
Did he left because of him - again?
I remembered „He loves me. He says he only wants to be with me. That is more than you ever said.“
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It still felt real. I looked beside me again, the bed was still empty. There was still no condom on the floor and also no clothes. Just me in an empty bed, in a dark loft, in the middle of the night – it was just a fucking dream, again.
I shook my head and sighed. Fuck! Fuck the dreams, fuck the desire, fuck the regrets. I don’t do regrets. Fuck him for being everywhere, all the time! „Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!“
Justin's POV
It was dark. All I could hear were the cars on the street and only the moonlight and the streetlights lightened up the room. I sat on the sofa and stared into the darkness. It felt familiar and strange at the same time.
I was scared. But that was nothing new. Being with Brian was always scary, because he is totally unpredictable. Normally I can handle that, I learned to handle it. But the situation was different now. I wasn’t the little naive kid anymore and he wasn’t the so called cold-hearted stud from Liberty Avenue who gave a shit about anything and anyone.
Daphne’s plan to win him back was good in theory, but seeing Brian, talking to him and working with him was not so easy, especially not when all you can think is kiss me, kiss me or – even worse – fuck me, fuck me. And he’s not stupid. He knew why I was there – at least I think he did.
He saw me fucking that trick at Babylon two nights after I broke up with Ethan and I am sure he figured I wouldn’t do that if I was still in my romantic relationship – in a monogamous relationship. Well, I had been in a monogamous relationship, but Ethan not so much. The trick I fucked that night in Babylon was just a fuck, I was angry, pissed and had tons of regrets. And admitting the truth to yourself is never funny.
I screwed things up. Yes, Ethan cheated, but even though I yelled at him and called him a liar, I actually yelled to myself, too. I cheated, too and I lied, too and then I left and then I blamed it all on Brian, because it’s easier to blame someone else.
I was hurt and disappointed and I should have said it – loud and clear. I shouldn’t have sat there waiting for something that wasn’t suppose to happen, that’s not the way you get through to Brian Kinney. He’s not good with words. That’s probably why he prefers fucking. Being with him means listen to everything, every single word in every single moment. If you do – and once I did – you can hear everything he doesn’t say.
I remember the day I told him I had 1500 points at the SAT and could easily chose a college everywhere I want to and he said “You’re going out of state?” – just a question, with anyone else it would be just Smalltalk, but he wouldn’t ask something like that if he wouldn’t care if you leave or not. So it wasn’t just “You’re going out of state?”, it was But if you leave we won’t see each other anymore. That’s Brian Kinney. You have to listen to him. And I didn’t listen anymore, I was tired of listening, tired of trying to get to the bottom of everything he said. I wanted to hear it straight.
I hurt him. And what’s even worse … I wanted to. I wanted to hurt him to get what I wanted – him telling me that he loves me, wants me, needs me and cares about me. I wanted to hurt him because I was hurt.
I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me and maybe if I wouldn’t have been tired of trying to get to the bottom of everything it wouldn’t have hurt me so much. But really, who wants to celebrate his birthday with a hustler? And why didn’t he just tell me about Vanguard and that he might lose his job instead of being an asshole? And why couldn’t he just spent one single night at home… just him and me?
Today I know his mistakes led into my mistakes which then led into his mistakes again and we totally failed with communication. That’s not going to happen again. I won’t let that happen again. There are ways to get what you want – even from Brian Kinney. He might not say the words you want to hear, but his actions always speak louder than his words.
I know he loves me, otherwise he would have said “I don’t love you” – he’s maybe not able to admit feelings he has, but he hasn’t any problems to tell you what he doesn’t feel. And… he said “You’re never to play violin music in my presence again.”
I know he cares, otherwise he wouldn’t have said stuff like “I hope you get what you want” and “Where did you get the ring?” and “Maybe I was a little hard on you” and he wouldn’t have paid for my school again.
I know he wants me, otherwise he wouldn’t have stopped me from leaving the office and he wouldn’t have fallen into that kiss the way he did, which was the reason why I came back. It was all or nothing. And I won – for now.
We didn’t really talk. We kissed, we touched, and we fucked. So we did what we always did instead of talking, which made me a little nervous now. We had to talk about stuff, I had to talk about some stuff. Not instead of the kissing, touching and fucking, because – god – I missed that so much, more than I ever expected. He’s a great kisser, always passionate, so intense and his lips are so soft. But I need the talking, too.
After we kissed, touched and fucked in his office he asked me to come home with him. Home, he really said that. I knew he didn’t mean Come back home, but it sounded familiar and I fought really hard against the instinct to smile brighter than the sun when he said that. So I just nodded. Back at the loft we didn’t talk either. There was more kissing, touching and fucking coming up. He fell asleep after the third round… and I got scared.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
I winced and jumped off the couch. It was still dark, no lights on. I went to the stairs that led to the bed and leaned against the doorframe. He was awake – obviously. He was sitting on his bed, eyes closed and he seemed to be angry. That scared me even more.
„Everything okay?“ I asked.
Now he winced and looked up, straight into my eyes. I swallowed. Sometimes I could read in his eyes, I could see what he feels, thinks and needs, but this time I didn’t see anything. He just looked somehow frightened and confused.
„Just a dream.“ His voice broke a little. “A nightmare.”
Normally I was the one with the nightmares.
He stared at me, as if he couldn’t believe that I was really there. That was one of the reasons why I was scared. What if he wanted me to leave after we fucked? I didn’t live here anymore, this wasn’t my home anymore, I was just a guest. And guests normally didn’t stay after fucking. See, that is why I need to talk!
I decided to keep my game on. It was all or nothing. He wouldn’t ask me to move back in, but I also had no reason to expect that he wanted me to leave. After all, I am Justin, not some nameless trick he picked up somewhere.
„Wanna talk about the nightmare?“ I asked and got over to the bed, knelt on it and smiled at him.
He still stared at me. He made me nervous. It was like he was thinking about something, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then he sighed, cleared his throat and shook his head.
„Why aren’t you sleeping?“
I woke up and you were gone … I was this close to fell into the brightest smile the world had ever seen - again. Instead I just shrugged and played it cool. „I had to pee. And then I watched you sleep and when you stopped your snoring I thought you might have passed out, but… it came back.“
„I never snore.“ His voice sounded really sharp.
„Of course not.“ I couldn’t help smiling at him. Not as bright as I wanted to, but it was a happy smile. „Anyway, I got bored and so I cleaned up the room, put he clothes on the chair. Then I got thirsty and I didn’t want to wake you up, so I took me some water and sat on the couch.“
One look to the clock made me realize that I had done all of that in less then half an hour. Just twentyfive minutes, they felt like an eternity.
„Ever thought about getting back to sleep?“ he asked me.
I wanted to draw him. Every night when I couldn’t sleep I draw. When I lived here I drew him. After I left I drew Ethan, especially when he was playing his violin, he was so passionate with doing it, I loved watching him and I loved drawing it. But when I woke up at night while Ethan was still sleeping I didn’t draw him or his violin. I guess every artist only has one real muse, something or someone he relates to, something or someone that always comes to his mind… when he’s lonely. I wasn’t alone in that nights, but I was lonely.
„I’m not really tired“, I said.
„You could have wake me up.“
Sure, I could have done that. I also could have tried to cuddle against him, maybe he would have let me do it. Sometimes he did. Sometimes he was the one who cuddled against me, but of course he was asleep when he was doing it, so I never mentioned it to him, I just enjoyed it when it happened. And I missed it. I missed the smell, the touch, the little sighs he was doing while he was sleeping – I missed him. I looked down and swallowed. „I was afraid you might tell me to leave, so I decided to stay and let you sleep.“
I know he hates it when I say things like that. For him it feels as if I want to corner him. He has to answer something, and he has to say something. Something he might not want to say or admit, because he’s afraid, too. Sometimes it’s necessary to corner him, but that wasn’t such a moment. And so I decided to help him.
“And I thought you might need your sleep, I mean… we fucked a lot and you’re not the youngest anymore, so…”
I was this close to say “You’re welcome” when I saw the relief in his eyes, but instead I just laughed when he raised an eyebrow and pushed me down on the mattress. He looked into my eyes for a moment, he seemed a little insecure. Not typical for him. I mean, Brian is a very insecure person, but he never shows that.
“Wanna go to Babylon?”
I frowned. “Now? It’s almost three.”
“Tomorrow”, he answered. “Dancing… fucking, you know.”
Dancing, fucking, drinking, dancing again, maybe fucking again… it sounded like the best idea since months. Especially because I remembered my last try to get exactly that from him and now he offered it. “Can I be sure that tomorrow night you’re going to dance with me to the void filling music?”
He laughed at me, his fingers were touching my face. My heart was beating so loud, I was sure he could hear it. I love it when he smiles, a totally happy smile, not the forced typical I-have-to-smile-now-smile. “O, come on, I had to reject you. I couldn’t give in that easily.”
I admit that my visit at Babylon wasn’t a very smart move. I should have thought about it twice and I should have played it differently. But … why would I admit that? “As if you were strong enough to resist the temptation to fuck me.”
His fingers started to play with my hair. I think he liked the cut I had. It was longer now and in my opinion it made me look a little older. He kissed me softly while he laid half on me. I could feel his skin, smell him and looked at him. Beautiful.
“You’re right, I am weak.”
I missed those moments. And I could have slapped myself for not seeing it anymore. Him, laying on me, playing with my hair, looking into my eyes, having a soft smile on his lips… it happened so often and it always meant so much, how could I overlook it so easily?
My timing was probably not the best, but there were things we had to talk about. Even though he doesn’t like talking – as if it was something dangerous. I am a talker.
“We broke up because he cheated on me”, I said out of the blue and rolled my eyes. “I know it’s pathetic. I did the same to you.”
He looked me in the eyes, the soft smile was gone, and he stopped playing with my hair. He nodded and rolled off of me. I felt cold, lonely, like I always felt when I wasn’t with him, but now he was here and I felt the same. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He maybe thought I wouldn’t be with him if Ethan wouldn’t have cheated on me. And maybe he was right. I have no doubt that sooner or later I would have tried to get him back, just because I missed him and just because I loved him. But I can’t say for how long I would have kept lying to myself if the cheating wouldn’t have happened.
“I saw him with the other guy, I asked him and he told me it was just a student. Later that night when I apologized for my distrust the so called student showed up with … a bunch of red roses.” I sighed. “Red roses. I mean, is there a bigger romance-cliché?”
I have no idea what he was thinking in that moment, but the second I said “a bunch of red roses” and “romance cliché” he swallowed, as if exactly that picture came to his mind in that moment. And I wouldn’t bet on it, but I thought for a second I saw a smile on his lips. Well, a smile was better than nothing, but I wanted him back on me. I still felt cold and lonely.
“I was pissed; I yelled at him, I was disappointed. Not because he cheated, but because he lied. That hurt. He looked me in the eyes and lied to me, with a smile on his face. And then he said that it was just one stupid mistake. And… he said, look how many times you forgave Brian.”
Brian cleared his throat. He didn’t look at me, he stared at the ceiling. He seemed a little nervous, like he always was when I corner him. I didn’t mean to do that. I just wanted to talk about what had happened.
“Well, he’s not totally wrong with that, isn’t he?” he said.. he almost whispered.
“You never lied.”
“I did other things. I guess I could have done some things differently.” His voice was really nothing more than a whisper. I had to concentrate to hear him. “I was not a good… mh…”
I was looking at him and I saw him searching for the right word. Boyfriend? Partner? Lover? None of it was a word he normally uses. I guess I was allowed to smile at him, because it wasn’t me who cornered him, he did it himself. But of course I knew what he wanted to say and for the second time this night I decided to help him out.
“We both made mistakes”, I said.
“Guess so.”
“I told you I don’t want you to change, but then I expected you to. I guess I am not as good as you are when it comes to distinguish between fucking a trick and fucking each other. I should have concentrate on what I wanted and not on what you did. And here’s the truth: I wasn’t angry about Ethan, I was angry about me. He lied to me, yes, but all I could think was, how stupid I was all the time. I lied to him, too and for a very long time and I lied to myself. I am sorry.”
“Sorry…”
“…is bullshit, I know”, I nodded and moved closer to him. I put my hand on his chest, just to touch him and I could feel his heartbeat. “Bullshit is bullshit, I’m still sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t see it anymore, sorry that I couldn’t see you anymore.”
“That’s a lot of sorry.”
“I have a lot of regrets.”
Now he looked at me. A few seconds he didn’t do anything, just looked at me. Then he put his hand on mine, on his chest. “I’m not angry.”
“But you are hurt”, I guessed.
He didn’t really answer to that. So I guess I was right. Most of time when he doesn’t object, it’s the truth.
“You did what you wanted to do, there’s nothing to regret”, he said. “Just because it didn’t turn out the way you expected it doesn’t mean it was wrong to do it.”
“Maybe”, I answered, leaned forward and kissed him softly, just happy to be right beside him. And he answered the kiss – a little. “But only because I wanted to do it, doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do.”
“You’re here now.”
I forgive you, let it go. I love him. Most people don’t understand why. And that means, I am doing the right thing, because love is never something you have to understand. I smiled at him. He rolled me over so that he laid half on me again. Finally! Then he kissed me passionately and deeply and I moaned into his mouth. We were definitely up for round 4. Thank god we started our reunion on a Friday night.
He leaned his forehead against mine and sighed. “So, no red roses for you?”
As if he would ever even think about giving me flowers. “I prefer sunflowers.”
He laughed out loud and buried his face in my neck. “Talking about clichés, Sunshine?”
I wrapped my legs around him to hold him close. I could have easily coming up with more romantic clichés, like golden gardenias, flowers for lovers who were meant to be, flowers that make sure that a love lasts forever. But I thought it would be too much to handle for him in that moment, so I decided to concentrate on round 4. “Well, Mr. Kinney.”
“Well, Taylor.”
“Now that I’m here, can I stay?”
He looked up and raised an eyebrow. “Don’t expect breakfast in bed.”
“Huh, maybe you want to think that over”, I answered and pushed my hips against his. “Remember, you love to eat me in bed and… to feed me in bed.”
I’m sure I made my point clear. He raised an eyebrow and smiled at me. “Fuck.”
Thank god, you’re back. Now I smiled the brightest smile the world had ever seen.
The End
Perfect, it was perfect. And I felt... just perfect. Nothing was missing, no questions anymore, no weirdness... just perfect. It wasn’t what I expected, maybe it was what I was hoping for and yes, waiting for, because lets face it, I needed it, it’s like breathing. It’s way more than it was ever supposed to be. Something I can’t control anymore... I tried, but I failed. I have no idea how this happened and why it happened, but it did. And it was perfect.
I will never ask him for the reason, I don’t want to think about; that under other circumstances he wouldn’t be here right now, but he would still be with him. With the one who told him he loved him and wanted to be with him and only him. The one who gave him a fucking ring and thousands of promises. Well, the ring is gone now and so are the promises. Right now, I don’t know why, but I know, the perfect boyfriend failed, too.
I know he still wants to hear it and I know he’s still waiting for something. A little word, a little promise, a little gift, a little sign... While he was gone I thought about it. What if I would have given him all of it?
What if I would have told him that I was scared to death when he got bashed and all I could do was waiting and – I will never ever admit that loud – praying?
What if I would have told him that I was at the hospital every fucking night, waiting and – hell, yes – praying?
What if I would have told him that when he said „I want you inside me“ my heart beated so fast that I was afraid I wouldn’t live long enough anymore to end up inside him, because I was afraid to hurt him, afraid he still wasn’t able to do it?
What if I would have told him that I couldn’t fall asleep without him beside me anymore?
What if I would have celebrated his birthday with him the way he wanted me to, just the two of us?
What if I would have told him that I missed him when he went to Vermont - instead of just fucking him?
What if I would have let him have his little – romantic - picnic on the floor?
What if it wouldn’t scare me to death that I need him and want him and... love him?
They don’t understand why I won’t say it. They think I deny it, they think I won’t see it, feel it. They don’t know anything. They love him and want him to be happy and they told me that it was only a matter of time before he left and that he finally found someone who appreciates him.
They don’t know about the nights I spent at the hospital floor.
They don’t know about the nights I spent sleepless just to hold him after another nightmare.
They don’t know about that blond callboy who might have looked like him, but didn’t feel like him, didn’t smell like him... just wasn’t him.
They don’t know about all the tricks who were suppose to be him.
They don’t know about the endless nights I was waiting for something, a call, a sign, just something... just him.
All they can see is the tricking, the drinking, the drugging... the denying. It’s all I show them.
I don’t deny it. I know what I want and what I feel. I might not always see the consequences coming, I might not always expect them to be so hard to handle – okay, I definitely didn’t see it coming, but I know what I feel – fuck - I am the one who feels it! Every morning, every day, every night, with or without him.
They say it’s only an „I love you“ – only, it’s not only, it’s everything. Well, it’s supposed to be everything. Sometimes it’s just like a needle that hurt you, because you know it means nothing. It sounds cold and heartless, like somthing you don’t care about. And it makes you feel lonely, unloveable, needless. So you don’t want to hear it, you don’t believe it, it doesn’t mean what it’s supposed to mean.
Sometimes it’s just an excuse, an apology. Workes always with Michael. Always have, always will – and he forgives me everything. It’s not that I am lying, I do love him, I always have and I always will. But I can use that as an apology.
Once said, you can’t take it back anymore, you have to take the responsibility for it, you have to take the pity, the pain, the rejection. You can’t say „I love you“ and then expect nothing to change. Not when I love you is suppose to say „I am in love with you, I want to be with you“.
I agree with them when they say, he deserves better than me. But why do they blame me for that? I never asked him to stay or to come back – well, not when I was awake. In dreamy-dreamy-land I did, it’s easier there. You get what you want, always. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. It’s like fucking.
For some reason he always disagreed.
He stayed and he came back – and now he came back again and I wasn’t just dreaming. It was real. He came back, started to play a little game. He played really good, but then he failed and that’s the reason I know he’s still waiting for it, hoping for it. When he told me what he wanted me to do, what he expected me to do – and what I didn’t do. Actually, he made it pretty clear, that he wouldn’t have left me, if I would have done any of my what-if’s.
And I guess I made it pretty clear that if he wants something, he has to stand up for himself – fight for it, do it, work on it... see through it. It was one of those moments I lost control. I lose control very often when he’s around, it’s always hard work to keep it, especially when he really tries to take over. He didn’t in that moment, he just said: „You would have told me that you loved me.“ And then he said, „But as usual you never did. So it’s just as well that I go.“ As if I never said it. He couldn’t hear it anymore. And that was just because he somehow lost the focus... but there must have been a reason for him to start his game, something had changed. And if he expected me to say it... he must know it, right?
Then I lost control. He wanted to leave – again. And I wouldn’t say what he was waiting to hear – again. I remember the one second when I look into his eyes, watch him taking his bag and walking away. I already heard the door, I already figured myself alone in that fucking office. And then I pushed him back, right in front of me and provoked him, „Have some balls“. He just stood there, looked at me. And all I could think was, that I really shouldn’t speak that much, because what I said was bullshit. If half of the gay-community would have his balls, there wouldn’t be the goof-and-loser-center, also called the GLC.
He kissed me. Hard. Intense. So good. His lips, the taste, the smell... I was lost, I knew it. If he really played the game to get me back, to start over, to be with me again – he would win. I didn’t stand a chance to take control. He could have had me in that moment if he wanted to... but he was angry. Right there all he wanted was to prove that he has some balls. He was totally in control. Fuck!
But he kept playing his game. He came back – again. He said he knows what he can expect from me. So, he knows what he can’t expect. He’s still waiting for it, hoping for it, but not expecting it anymore. Is he finally able to see it without hearing the words? Or did he just gave up on it? And what would I prefer him to do? Maybe both.
Every night I fell asleep all alone and every morning I woke up without him I wished I had handled it – him – differently. Sometimes I wished I‘ve never met him, but it was impossible to live that wish. He was everywhere. In the bed, the bathroom, the shower, the kitchen. On the couch, the chair, the table. So I did what every dumped failure did after he realized he made a big mistake – I wished that I would have done things differently. I hoped for a second chance.
There I was, tired. It was late, very late. I could hear the cars on the street, I felt the duvet on my naked body and I knew he was here, right beside me, under the duvet. I knew when I would reach out to touch him, he was there.
But when I did, when I reached out for him, he was ... not there. I turned around, my eyes were open now, I was awake and my heart beated to hard and so fast, it almost hurt. It was dark. The streetlights and the moonlight was all that brightened up my loft. The bed beside me was empty. I swallowed.
He was here, I knew he was, he came here with me, right from the office, right after we fucked and kissed and came on my desk. He smiled at me, he was happy, he cuddled against me, he kissed me, we fucked again... right here, in this bed. He was here... wasn’t he? It was real, wasn’t it? It wasn’t just another visit in dreamy-dreamy-land, where everything always ended up the way I wanted it to be. He was here... with me. He was... it was him.
I swallowed again and sat up and looked around. No condom on the floor, nothing. But we used a condom, I always use condoms and I fucked him, I knew I did. He was here. Fuck!
Did he left?
Was it just a dream?
Why would he leave?
It must have been real, I could feel it, I remembered every detail.
Where did he go?
I remembered his hair, longer than the last time we fucked and so beautiful, so soft.
Was he thinking about him?
I remembered his eyes, the look, the desire.
Did he miss him?
I remembered his lips, he kissed me, my lips, me neck, my chest.
Did he left because of him - again?
I remembered „He loves me. He says he only wants to be with me. That is more than you ever said.“
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It still felt real. I looked beside me again, the bed was still empty. There was still no condom on the floor and also no clothes. Just me in an empty bed, in a dark loft, in the middle of the night – it was just a fucking dream, again.
I shook my head and sighed. Fuck! Fuck the dreams, fuck the desire, fuck the regrets. I don’t do regrets. Fuck him for being everywhere, all the time! „Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!“
Justin's POV
It was dark. All I could hear were the cars on the street and only the moonlight and the streetlights lightened up the room. I sat on the sofa and stared into the darkness. It felt familiar and strange at the same time.
I was scared. But that was nothing new. Being with Brian was always scary, because he is totally unpredictable. Normally I can handle that, I learned to handle it. But the situation was different now. I wasn’t the little naive kid anymore and he wasn’t the so called cold-hearted stud from Liberty Avenue who gave a shit about anything and anyone.
Daphne’s plan to win him back was good in theory, but seeing Brian, talking to him and working with him was not so easy, especially not when all you can think is kiss me, kiss me or – even worse – fuck me, fuck me. And he’s not stupid. He knew why I was there – at least I think he did.
He saw me fucking that trick at Babylon two nights after I broke up with Ethan and I am sure he figured I wouldn’t do that if I was still in my romantic relationship – in a monogamous relationship. Well, I had been in a monogamous relationship, but Ethan not so much. The trick I fucked that night in Babylon was just a fuck, I was angry, pissed and had tons of regrets. And admitting the truth to yourself is never funny.
I screwed things up. Yes, Ethan cheated, but even though I yelled at him and called him a liar, I actually yelled to myself, too. I cheated, too and I lied, too and then I left and then I blamed it all on Brian, because it’s easier to blame someone else.
I was hurt and disappointed and I should have said it – loud and clear. I shouldn’t have sat there waiting for something that wasn’t suppose to happen, that’s not the way you get through to Brian Kinney. He’s not good with words. That’s probably why he prefers fucking. Being with him means listen to everything, every single word in every single moment. If you do – and once I did – you can hear everything he doesn’t say.
I remember the day I told him I had 1500 points at the SAT and could easily chose a college everywhere I want to and he said “You’re going out of state?” – just a question, with anyone else it would be just Smalltalk, but he wouldn’t ask something like that if he wouldn’t care if you leave or not. So it wasn’t just “You’re going out of state?”, it was But if you leave we won’t see each other anymore. That’s Brian Kinney. You have to listen to him. And I didn’t listen anymore, I was tired of listening, tired of trying to get to the bottom of everything he said. I wanted to hear it straight.
I hurt him. And what’s even worse … I wanted to. I wanted to hurt him to get what I wanted – him telling me that he loves me, wants me, needs me and cares about me. I wanted to hurt him because I was hurt.
I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me and maybe if I wouldn’t have been tired of trying to get to the bottom of everything it wouldn’t have hurt me so much. But really, who wants to celebrate his birthday with a hustler? And why didn’t he just tell me about Vanguard and that he might lose his job instead of being an asshole? And why couldn’t he just spent one single night at home… just him and me?
Today I know his mistakes led into my mistakes which then led into his mistakes again and we totally failed with communication. That’s not going to happen again. I won’t let that happen again. There are ways to get what you want – even from Brian Kinney. He might not say the words you want to hear, but his actions always speak louder than his words.
I know he loves me, otherwise he would have said “I don’t love you” – he’s maybe not able to admit feelings he has, but he hasn’t any problems to tell you what he doesn’t feel. And… he said “You’re never to play violin music in my presence again.”
I know he cares, otherwise he wouldn’t have said stuff like “I hope you get what you want” and “Where did you get the ring?” and “Maybe I was a little hard on you” and he wouldn’t have paid for my school again.
I know he wants me, otherwise he wouldn’t have stopped me from leaving the office and he wouldn’t have fallen into that kiss the way he did, which was the reason why I came back. It was all or nothing. And I won – for now.
We didn’t really talk. We kissed, we touched, and we fucked. So we did what we always did instead of talking, which made me a little nervous now. We had to talk about stuff, I had to talk about some stuff. Not instead of the kissing, touching and fucking, because – god – I missed that so much, more than I ever expected. He’s a great kisser, always passionate, so intense and his lips are so soft. But I need the talking, too.
After we kissed, touched and fucked in his office he asked me to come home with him. Home, he really said that. I knew he didn’t mean Come back home, but it sounded familiar and I fought really hard against the instinct to smile brighter than the sun when he said that. So I just nodded. Back at the loft we didn’t talk either. There was more kissing, touching and fucking coming up. He fell asleep after the third round… and I got scared.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
I winced and jumped off the couch. It was still dark, no lights on. I went to the stairs that led to the bed and leaned against the doorframe. He was awake – obviously. He was sitting on his bed, eyes closed and he seemed to be angry. That scared me even more.
„Everything okay?“ I asked.
Now he winced and looked up, straight into my eyes. I swallowed. Sometimes I could read in his eyes, I could see what he feels, thinks and needs, but this time I didn’t see anything. He just looked somehow frightened and confused.
„Just a dream.“ His voice broke a little. “A nightmare.”
Normally I was the one with the nightmares.
He stared at me, as if he couldn’t believe that I was really there. That was one of the reasons why I was scared. What if he wanted me to leave after we fucked? I didn’t live here anymore, this wasn’t my home anymore, I was just a guest. And guests normally didn’t stay after fucking. See, that is why I need to talk!
I decided to keep my game on. It was all or nothing. He wouldn’t ask me to move back in, but I also had no reason to expect that he wanted me to leave. After all, I am Justin, not some nameless trick he picked up somewhere.
„Wanna talk about the nightmare?“ I asked and got over to the bed, knelt on it and smiled at him.
He still stared at me. He made me nervous. It was like he was thinking about something, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then he sighed, cleared his throat and shook his head.
„Why aren’t you sleeping?“
I woke up and you were gone … I was this close to fell into the brightest smile the world had ever seen - again. Instead I just shrugged and played it cool. „I had to pee. And then I watched you sleep and when you stopped your snoring I thought you might have passed out, but… it came back.“
„I never snore.“ His voice sounded really sharp.
„Of course not.“ I couldn’t help smiling at him. Not as bright as I wanted to, but it was a happy smile. „Anyway, I got bored and so I cleaned up the room, put he clothes on the chair. Then I got thirsty and I didn’t want to wake you up, so I took me some water and sat on the couch.“
One look to the clock made me realize that I had done all of that in less then half an hour. Just twentyfive minutes, they felt like an eternity.
„Ever thought about getting back to sleep?“ he asked me.
I wanted to draw him. Every night when I couldn’t sleep I draw. When I lived here I drew him. After I left I drew Ethan, especially when he was playing his violin, he was so passionate with doing it, I loved watching him and I loved drawing it. But when I woke up at night while Ethan was still sleeping I didn’t draw him or his violin. I guess every artist only has one real muse, something or someone he relates to, something or someone that always comes to his mind… when he’s lonely. I wasn’t alone in that nights, but I was lonely.
„I’m not really tired“, I said.
„You could have wake me up.“
Sure, I could have done that. I also could have tried to cuddle against him, maybe he would have let me do it. Sometimes he did. Sometimes he was the one who cuddled against me, but of course he was asleep when he was doing it, so I never mentioned it to him, I just enjoyed it when it happened. And I missed it. I missed the smell, the touch, the little sighs he was doing while he was sleeping – I missed him. I looked down and swallowed. „I was afraid you might tell me to leave, so I decided to stay and let you sleep.“
I know he hates it when I say things like that. For him it feels as if I want to corner him. He has to answer something, and he has to say something. Something he might not want to say or admit, because he’s afraid, too. Sometimes it’s necessary to corner him, but that wasn’t such a moment. And so I decided to help him.
“And I thought you might need your sleep, I mean… we fucked a lot and you’re not the youngest anymore, so…”
I was this close to say “You’re welcome” when I saw the relief in his eyes, but instead I just laughed when he raised an eyebrow and pushed me down on the mattress. He looked into my eyes for a moment, he seemed a little insecure. Not typical for him. I mean, Brian is a very insecure person, but he never shows that.
“Wanna go to Babylon?”
I frowned. “Now? It’s almost three.”
“Tomorrow”, he answered. “Dancing… fucking, you know.”
Dancing, fucking, drinking, dancing again, maybe fucking again… it sounded like the best idea since months. Especially because I remembered my last try to get exactly that from him and now he offered it. “Can I be sure that tomorrow night you’re going to dance with me to the void filling music?”
He laughed at me, his fingers were touching my face. My heart was beating so loud, I was sure he could hear it. I love it when he smiles, a totally happy smile, not the forced typical I-have-to-smile-now-smile. “O, come on, I had to reject you. I couldn’t give in that easily.”
I admit that my visit at Babylon wasn’t a very smart move. I should have thought about it twice and I should have played it differently. But … why would I admit that? “As if you were strong enough to resist the temptation to fuck me.”
His fingers started to play with my hair. I think he liked the cut I had. It was longer now and in my opinion it made me look a little older. He kissed me softly while he laid half on me. I could feel his skin, smell him and looked at him. Beautiful.
“You’re right, I am weak.”
I missed those moments. And I could have slapped myself for not seeing it anymore. Him, laying on me, playing with my hair, looking into my eyes, having a soft smile on his lips… it happened so often and it always meant so much, how could I overlook it so easily?
My timing was probably not the best, but there were things we had to talk about. Even though he doesn’t like talking – as if it was something dangerous. I am a talker.
“We broke up because he cheated on me”, I said out of the blue and rolled my eyes. “I know it’s pathetic. I did the same to you.”
He looked me in the eyes, the soft smile was gone, and he stopped playing with my hair. He nodded and rolled off of me. I felt cold, lonely, like I always felt when I wasn’t with him, but now he was here and I felt the same. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He maybe thought I wouldn’t be with him if Ethan wouldn’t have cheated on me. And maybe he was right. I have no doubt that sooner or later I would have tried to get him back, just because I missed him and just because I loved him. But I can’t say for how long I would have kept lying to myself if the cheating wouldn’t have happened.
“I saw him with the other guy, I asked him and he told me it was just a student. Later that night when I apologized for my distrust the so called student showed up with … a bunch of red roses.” I sighed. “Red roses. I mean, is there a bigger romance-cliché?”
I have no idea what he was thinking in that moment, but the second I said “a bunch of red roses” and “romance cliché” he swallowed, as if exactly that picture came to his mind in that moment. And I wouldn’t bet on it, but I thought for a second I saw a smile on his lips. Well, a smile was better than nothing, but I wanted him back on me. I still felt cold and lonely.
“I was pissed; I yelled at him, I was disappointed. Not because he cheated, but because he lied. That hurt. He looked me in the eyes and lied to me, with a smile on his face. And then he said that it was just one stupid mistake. And… he said, look how many times you forgave Brian.”
Brian cleared his throat. He didn’t look at me, he stared at the ceiling. He seemed a little nervous, like he always was when I corner him. I didn’t mean to do that. I just wanted to talk about what had happened.
“Well, he’s not totally wrong with that, isn’t he?” he said.. he almost whispered.
“You never lied.”
“I did other things. I guess I could have done some things differently.” His voice was really nothing more than a whisper. I had to concentrate to hear him. “I was not a good… mh…”
I was looking at him and I saw him searching for the right word. Boyfriend? Partner? Lover? None of it was a word he normally uses. I guess I was allowed to smile at him, because it wasn’t me who cornered him, he did it himself. But of course I knew what he wanted to say and for the second time this night I decided to help him out.
“We both made mistakes”, I said.
“Guess so.”
“I told you I don’t want you to change, but then I expected you to. I guess I am not as good as you are when it comes to distinguish between fucking a trick and fucking each other. I should have concentrate on what I wanted and not on what you did. And here’s the truth: I wasn’t angry about Ethan, I was angry about me. He lied to me, yes, but all I could think was, how stupid I was all the time. I lied to him, too and for a very long time and I lied to myself. I am sorry.”
“Sorry…”
“…is bullshit, I know”, I nodded and moved closer to him. I put my hand on his chest, just to touch him and I could feel his heartbeat. “Bullshit is bullshit, I’m still sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t see it anymore, sorry that I couldn’t see you anymore.”
“That’s a lot of sorry.”
“I have a lot of regrets.”
Now he looked at me. A few seconds he didn’t do anything, just looked at me. Then he put his hand on mine, on his chest. “I’m not angry.”
“But you are hurt”, I guessed.
He didn’t really answer to that. So I guess I was right. Most of time when he doesn’t object, it’s the truth.
“You did what you wanted to do, there’s nothing to regret”, he said. “Just because it didn’t turn out the way you expected it doesn’t mean it was wrong to do it.”
“Maybe”, I answered, leaned forward and kissed him softly, just happy to be right beside him. And he answered the kiss – a little. “But only because I wanted to do it, doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do.”
“You’re here now.”
I forgive you, let it go. I love him. Most people don’t understand why. And that means, I am doing the right thing, because love is never something you have to understand. I smiled at him. He rolled me over so that he laid half on me again. Finally! Then he kissed me passionately and deeply and I moaned into his mouth. We were definitely up for round 4. Thank god we started our reunion on a Friday night.
He leaned his forehead against mine and sighed. “So, no red roses for you?”
As if he would ever even think about giving me flowers. “I prefer sunflowers.”
He laughed out loud and buried his face in my neck. “Talking about clichés, Sunshine?”
I wrapped my legs around him to hold him close. I could have easily coming up with more romantic clichés, like golden gardenias, flowers for lovers who were meant to be, flowers that make sure that a love lasts forever. But I thought it would be too much to handle for him in that moment, so I decided to concentrate on round 4. “Well, Mr. Kinney.”
“Well, Taylor.”
“Now that I’m here, can I stay?”
He looked up and raised an eyebrow. “Don’t expect breakfast in bed.”
“Huh, maybe you want to think that over”, I answered and pushed my hips against his. “Remember, you love to eat me in bed and… to feed me in bed.”
I’m sure I made my point clear. He raised an eyebrow and smiled at me. “Fuck.”
Thank god, you’re back. Now I smiled the brightest smile the world had ever seen.
The End